We're all on our own journeys

I'm actually feeling a little bit good about life, so thought I'd take some time to not be such a debbie downer about school. Don't get me wrong, it still sucks, but as I get ready to take the boards again tomorrow, I'm feeling a sense of peace. Sure, it is terrifying, and yes it set me back, but when was the last time something gone the way I wanted it to? If I had had my way I would have gotten into medical school the first time I applied, and I'd have just graduated. Instead it took me two long years of trying, and in that time I went to Jordan, I learned to salsa dance, I made new friends, I realized I was not cut out for teaching, and I grew to be a stronger person.
When I lived in Jordan I adopted a new life motto: as long as it makes a good story, it doesn't matter what I go through. I realized this on a trip to Egypt where everything seemed to go wrong. And though I was in tears for part of it, I LOVED that trip. Nothing went the way it was supposed to, but we had the craziest adventure, and I got to tell people about it and they laugh so hard when they hear about it. And I've really tried to live by that motto. Bad days teaching were fine because I just thought about who I would tell what had happened and how they would react.
I've managed to hold onto that for most of medical school, but in the last month I've definitely lost sight of that life motto, and so now I'm trying to get it back. Sure, I've been trying to look on the bright side: I get to ride my bike a lot, I'm not in surgery right now, I've gotten more sleep, I can go salsa dancing in the evenings if I want to. But in reality, I've spent more time thinking about how all of this is going to set me back, and how hard it is going to be to get back on track. And for good reason, this has been a horrible experience, one that I really can't make out to be a funny story.
But it is one that I can turn into a story that I tell people. Hopefully my story will have a happy ending. It's not going to have the ending I was expecting. Because of this set back, and because of the fact that I'm not kicking ass and taking names on any tests or blocks, and I'm going to graduate as a mediocre student to the last, I might not get what I want. But I am going to be a doctor, and isn't that all that matters? Instead of worrying about the future, shouldn't I be enjoying the journey I'm on? And I will have a story to tell, one that people will be interested in, because I didn't get to go the easy road. I had to go this criss cross crazy path, and yeah I'm not a great test taker and none of my grades show that I'm I'm an accomplished person.
When it comes time to find a residency, I really believe I'm going to have to fight to get one, and that I might not get the residency I want. But damn it, I made Nebraska a fun place to live, I can do that anywhere. And what I'll get out of the experience may be much more valuable to me than it would have been in the residency of my dreams. My uncle, who is a kick ass surgeon, is only a kick ass surgeon because he didn't get the residency he wanted, he ended up somewhere no one wants to go, but he got more experience actually performing surgeries than he would have if he'd been here, and because of that he was highly sought after when he graduated from his fellowship.
It's time to remember that that which does not kill you only makes you stronger. And it is true. My collegues will all be fantastic doctors, but I am going to have a strength that few of them do. I'm going to have an appreciation for what I have because I've had to work twice as hard for it, and I've proven again and again and again that I can pick myself back up and be a stronger person for that. And that is an advantage that is finally going to get me where I need to go. I'm not sure why I had to take this path, but there is a purpose to it. And while right now I'd've really liked things to have been easier and more direct, there is a reason it wasn't.
Maybe it was only so that I could help others who struggle as well. Or maybe it is because I'm meant to be in some horrid small town hospital for my residency. Maybe I'll gain experience no one else is able to get. Maybe I'll have opportunities no one else will get.
Maybe I should stop planning what my life is going to be like and just get back to living it. Because obviously things don't work according to my plan. so instead of worrying about how all the pieces are going to fall into place, maybe I should just let them fall as they may. I seem to have no control over what happens, but I have control over how I respond to it. Maybe my resume isn't going to look awesome. Maybe I didn't honor my rotation like I thought I was going to. Maybe I'm just average when it comes to grades and evalutations. But none of that matters. What matters is that I'm strong enough to take whatever comes my way. What matters is that patients love me, and trust me, and team mates rely on me and find me competent. I can do my job, even if I can't seem to prove it to those who control my grades.
All I can do is keep telling myself that I'm going to be okay. And only lilsten to the positive. Sure, I didn't high pass the rotation when I was sure I was going to. I'm still not sure why, but I didn't. But I did have numerous people tell me I worked at an intern level, and that I was going to be a great doctor. I had patients open up to me. I was able to draw conclusions and put things together and work hard, and I made a good impression. Sadly I only make a good impression face to face, but if I just keep working hard I'm going to get where I need to be.
It's hard to hold yourself up when the world is trying to pull you down. I've had my share of bad times, but they are all part of my journey, of who I'm going to become. And yes it sucks, and if I had control over things this isn't the way I'd want them to turn out. But I don't have control, so I'd better just hold on.
Tomorrow I step back into the ring and hope to God I don't get the crap kicked out of me again. I have to stay positive and sure of myself. And God willing I'm not only going to pass this time but kick ass. And instead of feeling like people are demeaning me when they say how proud they are of how hard I've worked, I should take the complement, and realize that I have worked hard, and although I'm tired of proving myself, I'm going to. And everything is going to work out.
So have faith friends, it is all going to be okay. I can't promise that, but I have to hope for it. We are all on our own journeys, sometimes the journey leads us into a dark place, most of the time we can't help compare ourselves to others, but all that matters in the end is that you've lived your life and done what you need to do. Hold your head up high and just push on t hrough. It's what we do.