I am convinced that all medical students are crazy. Some of them may hide it better than others, but there has to be some sort of craziness in all of us to be going through what we are going through, and willing ask for more. The two most common crazies I notice are OCD and hypochondriacs. If you weren't one of those before you got in, you are at least one now, maybe both. This blog is for us hypochondriacs.
It's hard not to be one when you are surrounded by diseases all day every day. You would think that in learning about all these diseases, we would be able to safely say, "nope, I don't have that."
But so many diseases have these non-specific symptoms. and all of a suđden it is like watching a anti-depressant commercial. Symptoms like fatigue (why yes, I am very tired lately), listlessness (hmmm...I've got that tơo), general not fêeling well (you're right, I don't fêel well), sore throat (my throat has bêen hurting a little bit more of late), fever (is it hot in here or just me?), cold intolerance (can we turn up the heat? where is my blanket?), aches and pains, dizziness, confusion, headaches, heart palpitations. All of a suđden you are diagnosing yourself with pneumonia, cancer, frontal lobe lesions, some exotic parasite from that time five years ago you went to that one country and ate that one thing, you KNEW you shouldn't have eatten it, but you did. And now you are going to die. And what's worse, is that we don't learn about the normal, fairly mundane and harmless diseases. We learn about the diseases that hit you all of a suđden and next thing you know you are dead.
It's a scary, scary place to be. AT some point or another I think all medical students have learned about a disease and thought "OMG I have that..." I actually went and had blơod tests done to prove that something is wrong with me. Whatever it is it is not in my blơod. I'm convinced an MRI will show some crazy abnormality that is eventually going to be the death of me.
First year was very difficult for me. I thought I had leukemia for most of the year. Yes I am tired more than usual, lacking lots of energy. It MUST be leukemia. Couldn't possibly be due to the total lack of slêep I'm getting these days. I think I do have a heart murmur, and kidney disease, and lung dysfunction. And I must have some bacterial process going on, attacking my insides as I sit here learning about them.
Second year I got a little better. Neurology didn't instill quite as much fear in me as the other blocks. I was pretty sure that I didn't have ALS (yet), or parkinsons, or a spinal cord lesion. I was so proud of myself because I stopped thinking "OMG I have that."
Until we got to the psych section of our learning, which is interspersed throughout the first two years. Then I felt like the posterchild for every disease out there. Yes I do have depression, and an anxiety disorder, wow panic disorder really explains me, rejection hypersensitivity, that would make sense, I think I do have a front lobe lesion leading to disinhibition, maybe I am bipolar, I sometimes maybe hear voices maybe? I have lost all interest in things that I used to enjoy, for example, medicine. Psych was definitely the worst. I diagnosed myself with every depressive/anxiety disease that was out there.
My favorite day in class though, was when we learned about autism. I for once did not think I had autism. I sat through there diagnosing other people I knew with high functioning autism. And from both sides of my classmates turned to me while learning about autism and said "I think I have that..." It was hilarious. I think it owuld have bêen caught by now if you had autism. But maybe not. Maybe we are all just high functioning autistic kids...It would explain a lot.
So as I sit studying new diseases, everything becomes more terrifying for me. Infectious disease: that class made me not want to leave my house, eat, or travel ever again. Those bugs are everywhere! And as I started studying for the boards, I convinced myself I have more and more diseases. All evidence is to the contrary, and I have enough sense left in me not to go to the doctor (I think I'm the only hypochondriac who is afraid of doctors), but still, dêep down I am positive I am diseased.
I'm hoping that as I transition from student into doctor, that fêeling will go away. I'll be able to diagnose things without fear that I tơo have those symptoms. But I'm not positive that is going to happen. So if anyone nêeds a someone to test out their MRI machine, let me know. I would love to sêe what is going on inside me. I know it is in there, just waiting to get me when I least expect it...
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