I have been through a lot in medical school, a lot of disappointments that continuously break my spirit and pull me down. And I need someone to tell me that it is okay to be upset, which is something no one says to medical students it seems. But it is something we all need to hear.
Instead we hear things like "pull yourself together." Or "crying doesn't solve anything." Or "you have to be strong, brush this off, and try again." That is all true. We do have to pull ourselves together, brush it off and try agian. But who determines what strength is? I can still be a strong person, as I've shown a million times, and yet sometimes find the need to cry in the bathroom for half an hour. Can't I? why isn't that okay too?
In everything there is a grieving process, and the same is true in medical school. Bad things happen to us, and while they may not seem like that big of a deal, they can totally bring us down, and they are a big deal to us. So sure, if I fail a test I have to get my shit together and pass the next one, and work harder to do so, and I've done that a million times it seems. But why doesn't anyone ever tell me that it is okay to just sit and cry over something? Sure, I have to pull myself together, but I'm allowed to fall apart before that happens. I'm allowed to grieve, and bemoan my fate, and hate everything. As long as I eventually get up and pull myself back together.
Sometimes it feels like we aren't allowed a grieving period. Mostly because there just isn't enough time. We don't have enough time to be upset about one test before we have to start studying for the next test. And sometimes the disappointments just keep coming, to the point where we start to feel like every time things begin to go right something will go wrong. I am chicken little, waiting for the sky to fall. Because that is the experience I've had. Do well on one test, fail the next, pull my self back together. It's exhausting. It leads to constant self doubt which just makes me more likely to fail.
I constantly feel, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one, that I'm being pushed down into the mud, and every time I manage to get myself back up, I'm pushed back down again, and someone is just standing over me yelling to get up, brush it off, try again. And I'm good at getting up, I firmly believe you have to get up, and brush it off, and try again. But sometimes what I really need is someone to sit down in the mud with me, and hold me while I rest and cry for a little bit. I'm going to get back up, I'm probably going to get knocked back down, but can't I have just a second? Just a little while to lay crying in the mud and bemoan my fate and be pissed at the world and lack some self confidence and feel like a victim and wonder why this is happening to me? That's what I really need.
So since I need it, I'm going to assume everyone else needs it too. So I'm going to tell you, that if you get knocked down, it's okay to stay down for a bit. Take a rest. Weep, grieve, destroy things, be pissed. IT is okay to have emotions. It sucks, I know. Whatever you are going through sucks and there is no one or nothing that can make you feel better about it. Take that minute, cry your eyes out, bemoan your fate, hate everyone and everything. Emotions and feelings are good things, and we need them to survive. If I could I'd give you a big hug while you cried. And I'd just let you cry, let you be upset, let you vent without trying to tell you it's all going to be fine, because right now it doesn't feel like it is going to be fine. I'm not going to tell you people have it worse because you already know that, and don't care about them right now. I'm not going to tell you to try harder because you are trying your hardest. I'm going to let you feel, for once, whatever it is you want to feel, without passing judgement on you, without telling you to brush it off and try again. Because I have been there, I have had days when I can't even drag myself out of bed, because nothing seems worth it. And the harder I try the more disappointed I get. And it is hard.
All of us are strong people. That is how we got into medical school. That is how we are going to survive medical school. Just like you wouldn't tell a grieving mother to just get over the loss of her son, but would try and help her work through it, you too need to work through your disappointments. You need that time to be upset. And once you're done feeling all those things, that is when you can pick yourself back up out of the mud, stare your torturer in the face, and, with your shoulders back and head held high yell "thank you sir may I have another."
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