I used to be one of those people that made a list of things to do, and felt so good about crossing each thing off the list. I was very accomplished. And I could set a goal and actually see it through.
Not so much anymore. I'm not sure if it is the stress of medical school, or the ADD that has always been hiding out finally busting lose of all boundaries and taking over my life. I can't remember the last time I actually set a goal and then kept it. I usually keep some kind of variation of it. Demanding of myself to read ten pages turns into "okay I'll just finish this last page" which then often turns into "oh fuck it I'll do it tomorrow."
I also have to bribe myself to finish a task. "Okay, type up two more learning objectives and then you can play on facebook for five minutes." Thirty minutes later I'm still on facebook. How does that thing manage to hold my attention when nothing else does? I waste so much time on it and I don't even know what I'm doing. "read one more page and then you can take a break" which will then turn into me spending an hour in someone else's study room talking to them so that if I don't accomplish my goals, at least I am not the only one.
My week goals always start out so ambitious. I will get all my work done on time, study a little something extra each day, go to teh gym, have some time to send some emails, and accomplish at least one life related task a day. Not so much. I would rather do anything but study. Unfortunately that just fills me with guilt about not studying, and I don't really know how to balance it all out.
I neither know why I bother to set goals anymore nor why I have so much trouble accomplishing them. Little things like unpacking from a trip. I get halfway through and I think of other things I want to do. I had a big pile of mail today to go through, and I got through about half of it, and then put the other envelopes in a pile of stuff to deal with later. What did I do instead? I honestly can't tell you. I think my roommate came home. and then maybe I went out to dinner. But more often than not I just sit staring at all the things I have to do without getting any of them done.
Sometimes I'll sit in a study room with my books up and will be staring at the wall thinking of absolutely nothing, because that is more stimulating to my brain than learning about sarcoidosis, which I believe is a disease no one really actually has. But for some reason I need to learn all about it.
I also find myself acting like a work out trainer, outright lying to myself about how many pages I have left to read. "Okay, just one more. Just read this one more page and you'll be done. Good! Now just one more page! Last one I promise! Just one more quick page! Keep going! You're doing great! Just one more!" Wait a second! How many was that! You said just one more twenty pages ago.
The worst though is when I actually have a productive day. A day when I accomplish and even exceed my goals. That is just a recipe for disaster for the rest of the week. Because you can gaurantee that if I got today and tomorrow's work done today, there is no way in hell I'll be able to convince myself to do anything really productive for the next week at least. I just wear myself out too much. It is a disaster.
I quickly learned not to overexert myself, because the consequences of doing more work than I should was a disaster. Somehow it was better to only barely accomplish things. It keep the mystery in the relationship still alive. I had to find out more about it tomorrow. And so I sitll make lists, but it seems that for each thing I cross off I add at least twelve more. And I never know if everything or anything is going to be accomplished.
It is a daily struggle with myself, constantly hoping that today will be the day I actually get things done. It is of course worse with studying, but it creeps into the rest of my life as well. I have so much trouble balancing the two. The question really is, why do I think each day is going to be different? Why do I wake up in the morning, make a list of things to do, and then not get any of them accomplished? What is the point? And how do I get out of this vicious cycle? Besides getting a diagnosis of ADHD and getting some Ritalin to get me through my day, I really can't think of an option. Even as I'm sitting here I'm making my list of things to do tomorrow. And they are all so grandious. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe instead of saying "tomorrow I will read all of FirstAid, do 200 practice questions, and read through all the pharm cards" I should set more accomplishable goals, like "tomororw I will open my first Aid and finish the chapter I started. I will then do 48 questions and see how I feel from there, I'll take a little nap, get up and see what I want to do next, but hopefully it will involve some pharm cards and some more questions." That even might be too ambitious, I'm not quite sure. I can never tell if I put a larger variety of things to get half done will I be more accomplished than if I just have one long boring thing that I have to do all day until it is done? Which will suit my purpose better.
Either way, it is equally depressing when I cannot accomplish any of my tasks, no matter what they are. Whether it is one simple yet long task (finishing a complete chapter in a book) or a bunch of little things (ten pharm cards, five pages in first aid, 48 questions, nap), I feel equally ashamed of myself when the only thing I've acomplished that day is to take a nap.
When I was interviewing for medical school I talked about how I thrived off stress. I needed a constant level of activity and things to do in order to get anything done. That used to be very true, and I thought it would help me get through medical school. I was a big fan of crunch time. I could get that paper done only because there was another one to write afterwards, and then a test to study for, and work to do, and people to counsel, and organizations to run, and activities to plan. But I managed to get it all done.
Then somewhere along the line in medical school, I got twice as much stuff to do and half the ambition to do it. Why medical school? Why have you robbed me of my ability to get things done? And will it ever come back? Because I can tell you, my "I'll do it tomorrow" attitude gets me no where. Saying I'll return that email another day means I will maybe remember in three months that you emailed me. Saying I'll do my evaluations when I have more time to sit and pay attention to them means they will get done the day I get sent an email about how if I don't finish my evaluations I will not get to be a doctor. It is not good, and makes me worry about my future ability to handle a real job and real life.
Lately my goal has been to accomplish some of my goals each day. That holds true again tomorrow. For tonight, I'm going to go do something that doesn't matter or make any sense to my future, just like usual. Maybe, if I made my goals to ignore my homework and instead to do things like play on facebook for six hours and wander around the library in search of someone to talk to, I'll by some playing of the mind get myself to actually study. Hmmmm, I may be on to something here...
No comments:
Post a Comment