I specifically remember telling people that I enjoy studying when I was trying to get into medical school. "Oh yeah" I would say "it'll be hard, but I actually kind of like to study." Oh I rue the day I said those words. Because come to it, I don't like to study anymore. And really, I can't remember enjoying studying before.
Maybe I just enjoyed it because I was good at it. Or not necessarily good at it, but I would do it and then I would get good grades. Kind of like how I love math when I get the answer correct, but if I can't do it correctly I get really mad. Maybe medical school has just sucked my soul right out. Because I definitely do not enjoy studying any longer. I would rather do just about anything than sit down with a text book. I would rather stare up at the ceiling while lying on my couch. That is more entertaining to me than studying is.
What happened? Was I just a big fat liar all those times I said I enjoy studying? Because I kind of remember it partially somehow being true. I liked libraries, where I could sit quietly with a pile of books, or coffee shops where I could pretend to look busy. I must have at one point enjoyed learning at least right? I wouldn't have come this far if I didn't have some kind of sick pleasure from all of this...
I have noticed, however, that not only do I no longer enjoy studying, I don't even enjoy learning all that much. I used to be full of curiosity, wondering how things worked. If I didn't know, I'd ask, or I'd look it up. Now, if I don't understand it, the most I'm likely to do is check and see if wikipedia has the answer. Or if the girl sitting next to me in class has it. I don't want to ask questions anymore. I generally don't care how something I don't understand works.
I think it is from information overload. That and my happiness and lifeforce are being sucked away by medical school. But hopefully mostly the information overload. It comes to the point where I know that if I have a question about something and look it up, all it is really going to lead to is another question, and I'll have to look that up, and so forth and so on, because there is always something more to learn. And I just can't take that on. Unfortunately, the baseline I set myself at is fairly low, so there is quite a bit that I don't know and am not willing to learn.
Luckily, third year changes that a bit, or at least I felt like it did. I still don't enjoy studying. But now at least when I study something its because I am seeing it. Wegener's granulomatous disease comes to live when I actually meet someone who has it. Sarcoidosis is no longer a figment of some test maker's imagination. And all the path and phys and pharm start to slowly click into place. I can't wait to get back to that. But it still wasn't all there, and I found myself still not wanting to ask too many questions, because after awhile I just stop listening to the answer. I can only hold so much in my poor little brain at a time.
And I still don't enjoy studying. Studying is now equated with nap time, because I'm more likely to be asleep on my books than actually reading them. Unfortunately gaining information through osmosis does not actually work, try as hard as I may. And I've got to be really interested in something to spend time lookingstuff up about it.
So, whether or not I used to like studying, I sure as hell don't now, and kind of wish I had known this before making this leap into medical school. Because it sure is a lot of time spent doing things I don't like, mainly studying. But every hopeful medical student to be I meet, or that you will meet, or that you once were, will say to you "I actually kinda like studying..." Yep, you keep telling yourself that.
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