There is another session I distinctly remember from orientation into medical school. In fact, I think I heard this more than once. But it was always in the context husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend, so I didn't take it that seriously. It wsa the advice from other students to remember that other people in your life also had problems and issues and they were just as important as your own. And it was kind of like "duh" when I first heard it. Even when I heard it a second time. I mean, I'm going to be a doctor, I want to help people with their problems.
But somewhere along the line, as medical was stealing my soul, it also stole my perception of things. I entered the medical school bubble, and very few things were important enough to get me out of the medical school bubble. I realized that I honestly didn't care about other people's problems. And what's more, I couldn't understand why they thought they could take up my precious time by telling me their problems when obviously I have more important problems of my own, like passing a test that has so much information on it I want to scream but all of it could save lives. And I became very self-righteous and big headed, even while my self esteem was being crushed to the ground repeatedly by medical school. Because damn it, I'm a medical student, I'm going to be a doctor,and that is important, and that makes me more important than everyone else, doesn't it? That's what the culture of medical school is instilling in me.
I would literally sit listening to my mom or sister telling me about their awful day and all I could think was "I don't care. I have to go study. My life sucks more than yours." That was pretty much my entire first year of medical school. Why are you people bothering me with your trifle issues, don't you understand I am in MEDICAL SCHOOL? I have a lot to deal with.
You know, I'm not sure when becoming a medical student filled me with this false sense of importance, but I still have trouble shaking it some times. Really, I have to go study? That's more important than my best friend telling me she had a fight with her boyfriend? Looking back on it even from just now, I am suprised and ashamed that I had to have a mantra running through my head when listening to other people "other people have problems too, they are just as important to them as your problems are to you, other people have problems too."
I'm hoping that it is a product of being a medical student, and not just that I am a selfish bitch who only cares about herself. Since it makes me feel better to think that it is a passing phase of being a medical student, instead of just thinking I'm a horrible person who couldn't care about anyone but myself, I will continue to think what I like.
It seems so ridiculous, looking at it from the "outside" as I'm doing now. My whole behavior to people the past three years (and it's a behavior that has been continuing and I'm only slightly improved about) has been horrible! and based of this silly notion that what I'm doing has so much more importance than what anyone else is doing. I think it's all part of the culture of things, and just the sheer stress of it all. You're being told from all sides that everything you are learning is so important, and you have to succeed, and you have to learn it all, and you have to be the most amazing student in the world to get a residency so that you can be a doctor and do what you really want to do. And when you get sucked into this bullshit reality, you really have trouble remembering that it isn't everyone else's reality. They have their own reality to deal with, and somehow you have to remember that their reality, their problems, are just as big as yours are. Even bigger sometimes, because when it comes down to it I'm in SCHOOL. That is my reality, it's not that important. There is more to life than just how much mine currently happens to suck. But I can tell you that even now there are certain days when someone tells me something and I really not only couldn't care less, but wonder why they have the gall to take away from my study time by telling me something in the first place.
So now my friend from outside of medical school are reading this thinking "gee thanks, we thought we could go to you with our problems." And truth be told, most of the time I am able to pull my head out of my ass and put things into perspective, and listen to your problems and your day and really I am interested (please still be my friend). I even sometimes find that other people having drama is perfect for me, because then I can live through it but don't have to have my own (I'm really not doing a good job of explaining why you should still be my friend...).
I think medical school is so competitive and so isolating that you just get sucked into yourself while you are there. And somewhere along the line you can't figure out why people think they have it harder than you do. All you can see is your own problems and your own struggles and your own life, and you have this twisted vision of everyone else's lives and how perfect they are and how trouble free they are. And you can't see through any of it. I still have this problem with my friend, now more my medical school friend than others. They'll tell me about a bad day of rotations, and all I can think is "I FUCKING FAILED THE BOARDS! Your problems cannot even come close to that." And yet they are talking about way more important things, lives saved and lives lost, hopes and dreams shattered. But I cannot get out of my own self-important bubble and let that in.
But, I will own to the fact that I am getting a bit better. Well, I was. Right now I'm in a world of hate so forgive me as I isolate myself to stop myself from being rude. But for the most part I am getting better. I can take a moment to hear what other people have going on in their lives, and remember that mine isn't quite as important as I think it is. I'm slowly starting to learn to separate my problems from other people's, and find I even enjoy people coming to me with their problems so we can talk through them. I've learned that their problems are not mine, and I don't need to take them on as mine, but I can lift the other person's burden a bit by being there for them. And that helps me remember that I got into this whole mess in the first place because I wanted to help people. So bring on your troubles friends, I am here for you.
It's all about perspective, which I think we lose sight of in medical school. It gets so twisted around, and we focus on things we think are so important and we just get so caught up in it, but if we could take a step back we'd realize what was truly going on. It doesn't always help. Honestly sometimes I cannot for the life of me figure out why someone is taking up my time by telling me something that seems very trivial. But then I remember that people sit and listen to me bitch about studying all day, and I'm pretty sure they couldn't give a crap less. So medical student friends, tone it down a little. I know your life sucks, you know your life sucks, but don't forget that other people's lives suck as well, for different reasons.
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