I love my friends. And I really love having friends outside of school, because those friends don't compare grades with me, or talk about all the answers on the last test, or make me feel guilty for not studying. We can talk about the important things, like boys, fashion, the latest gossip, movies, whatever. It is a great release from the stresses of other type A people. And you realize who you really are friends with by the people you are willing to keep touch with outside of school. Becaue it is really hard, to fit in time for people and let yourself relax. Non-medical school friends are very important to the sanity of a medical student.
That being said, people who are not in medical school or haven't gone to medical school have no clue what we are going through. It's very difficult for them to empathize with our bitching and moaning, because to them it is just school. And for them, most of us have always been really good at school, and this is what we've always wanted, so why aren't we happy? Because they don't know. I have noticed four variations of replies from my friends when I complain about medical school or how much trouble I'm having. They think they are being helpful, but really, it doesn't make me feel better. Here we go:
1. Oh I'm sure you'll be fine. You're always fine, you always do well, I'm not worried. You're so smart you can do anything.
Why this isn't helpful: we know you mean well, and we thank you for the faith you have in us and for the compliment. But the point of all of my complaining is that I'm no longer smart, I'm average. I honestly do not feel like I can keep up with what is going on, and I feel like an idiot every day. And the fact that I used to be smart just makes it worse, because you are right, I am smart and I always used to do well. But now I'm not doing well and everyone has high expectations for me to be doing so great. It's a lot of pressure to put on a person who already has a crapton of self inflicted pressure put on them. And then when we do fail, it makes it even more difficult, because everyone was rooting for us and never had a doubt in their minds about our ability to do well. Now we've shown them. We've built this entire friendship around you thinking I'm a smart, hard working person who always does well. Now I have to prove to you that in fact I am an imbicil who cannot get anything right. You saying that I'm going to do just fine because I always do well and you aren't worried doesn't instill me with a feeling of confidence. Instead it puts on pressure that you didn't realize you were putting on me.
2. Well of course medical school is hard. You're going to be a doctor, I want it to be hard. If you are going to be in charge of the health and wellbeing of people, medical school should be hard.
Why this doesn't help: DUH! We know medical school is supposed to be hard because we are going to be doctors and that is a big responsibility. This response just makes us think that maybe we really aren't cut out for this. If I find medical school so hard, maybe I just don't have what it takes! And you're right, I'm going to be responsible for peoples LIVES! If I don't know every little fact about every little disease or process or medicine I could KILL people! Thanks for reminding me of that. I now have to leave your company and go study some more. We joke around in medical school (it's a pretty sick joke, but we are pretty sick) that only needing a 70% to pass a test means that 70% of our patients will live. Obviously that isn't really how it works, because I definitely know more than 70% of the stuff I've learned, I just can't always answer the test question correctly, and in the real world I'll be able to look things up or ask my collegues. But when my friends says "it's supposed to be hard because you are going to be a doctor, I want it to be hard, so I faith in going to the doctor," I want to bitchslap them, because again, it just puts more stress on me than is needed. And reminds me of the seriousness of everything that I'm doing and how hard it is and that failure could mean someone's life, and remember the stakes I'm playing against. Seriously, this response just sends me into a fit of panic. Don't use this one.
3. If you hate it so much, why don't you just quit?
Why this doesn't help: Do you know how hard I worked to get into medical school? The hours of studying for the MCAT and all myclasses? The hours typing up applications, the money spent applying, the hell of interviews and rejection and having to figure out some way to make myself more appealing to some medical school to get in? And I finally did and do you know how many hours of studying I've put into this in the past two and a half years? And the financial burden I'm in trying to pay for medical school? I'm not going to quit! How dare you suggest it? This is a totally childish "if you love it so much why dont you marry it" kind of response. Because at the end of the day I still want to be a doctor. This is just harder than I thought. And, I'm a medical student. I got here by working hard and kicking ass, I'm not a quitter! But the worst part of hearing this response is that most, if not all, of us have contemplated quitting at some point. We don't need encouragement to give up, because it would be so easy to just walk away. Deep down inside us there is a voice that constantly asks why are we doing this? Why take it anymore? Why not just walk away and start some new life. Why not go off and be a professional salsa dancer? Or travel the world meeting new people? Or become a chef, or open up a bakery, or become a Disney Princess. I'm a people person, I'm a hard worker, I can get it done right? I can be whatever I want. So why do I want to go through this hell when there are so many other things I could do? It's this nagging doubt about my abilities to succeed that lead me to wanting to quit, and someone reminding me that I should just quit instead of putting up with this isn't helpful. It just makes me think "maybe I should quit..." and it doesn't get to the heart of the issue, which is that medical school sucks but it is part of my life now. That's like someone complaining about how hard marriage is and a friend saying "well just get divorced." There are serious ramifications for just quitting, and it isn't necessarily the right idea. So no, I'm not going to quit medical school, although sometimes running away does sound like the greatest plan ever.
4. Well you knew it was going to be hard. You signed up for it..(this one is the worst)
Why this doesn't help: Because we just want to scream F-k You to whoever says this. Thanks jackass. Yes I knew medical school was going to be hard, and I did in fact sign up for it. Not only did I sign up for it, but I purposefully fought other people for this opportunity, and am paying a lot of money for this hell I am going through. But I can tell you that while I knew medical school was going to be hard and I did sign up for it, I did not know it was going to be THIS hard, and I sure didn't mean to sign up for this hell. I didn't mean to sign up for never ending discouragement and relentless inadequacy. I signed up to study to become a doctor. And if I had known what it really entailed, I'm not positive I would do it again. I'll have to see how I feel when I'm actually a doctor. But you saying this just means that not only do you not have the slightest clue what I'm going through, but you actually don't care. because if you were listening to what I was saying, you would realize that I'm in way over my head. I signed up for medical school, I didn't realize it was going to be the worst four years of my entire life. I didn't sign up for the hell I'm going through right now. I signed up for hours of studying, experience with patients, sleepless nights, long days running around a hospital. I understood all of that going in. I didn't understand that I was slowly going to question everything about myself and my ability to succeed in life every single day. I didn't sign up to cry at least once a day for two months, but I unfortunately lived through it. I didn't sign up to feel like a failure constantly while everyorne else around me seems to understand everything. And I certainly didn't sign up for this overwhelming depression and despair that seems to follow me everywhere. I had NO CLUE what I was getting into when I decided to become a doctor. And now I totally understand why all those people asked me if I was sure when I told them I wanted to be a doctor. No one actually signs up for this. We get suckered into it.
When I brought up the idea of this blog post to another medical student (who completely agreed that there are no other responses you get), she told me I should give you non-medical school friends out there advice on what to say to us when we are complaining about medical school. But to be honest, I'm not sure there is anything you can say. Certainly not the things above. Because for the most part I'm not necessarily looking for advice of any kind, I just need to tell someone what I'm going through. So a simple "man, that sounds awful! How do you cope?" Or "I'm so sorry that sounds like crap, how can I make you feel better?" would probably suffice. Or even maybe asking me what I do like about medical school. But really, I just want someone to listen to what I say and pity me and what I'm going through, because it really sucks. So while I can't tell you waht you should say, I can give you the above suggestions on what NOT to say when Suzy Mc-medical student comes and tells you about how much she hates medical school.
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