Oh the life of an underdog. It always seems so glamourous in the movies. Guy works hard, gets pushed down, gets back up, succeeds, wins glory and fame. Things finally start working out for him, and after a long hard road he makes it and then it is happily ever after.
Not so much, I've learned. I never would have considered myself an underdog before trying to get into medical school. I worked hard and I got what I wanted because of it. The amount of effort I put into something was equal to the amount of gain I got from it. I didn't struggle, I didn't get pushed down, things just worked. Probably the first time I realized that this wasn't going to be the case forever was when I took the MCAT. That was a bitch of a test, and I tried to study, and I thought I was doing what I needed to do, and yet it didn't work out for me.
So, I perservered and took it two more times and finally did well enough to get into medical school, after three years of trying. And I thought, okay, I did it. Look what I accomplished. Against the odds I got into medical school. Now it's time for my happy ending. I still didn't really consider myself an underdog. I mean, eventually I was going to get in, it just took some more workthan I thought. I came from a privelidged background for the most part. I didn't have to struggle against all odds to make it through the world. I pretty much was doing what was expected. I went to high school, went to college, graduated, and went to medical school. Sure, it took me awhile to get in, and a lot of hard work and disappointment, but I figured that was just what I needed to make me strong enough to get through.
I didn't realize how strong I was going to need to be, or that once an underdog, always an underdog. Because it did slowly start to seem like all the odds were stacked against me, in some strange way. I never struggled to learn before, now all of a sudden I struggle every day to learn. I used to just get things. Now it seems like no matter how hard I try I can't figure anything out. I became an underdog. No one doubted my abilities at first, but now they all probably do. I was never considered an "at risk" student, but I sure as hell became one somewhere along the way.
But, what I'd learned from not getting into medical school (bitter disappointment), has in fact helped me through medical school. The difference is, I worked hard and then got into medical school. I now put in a lot of hard work and get crap back from it. And I feel like I have to constantly keep proving myself, and it gets tiring. Yes, I know I can pull myself up off the ground when knocked down, brush it off, and start again. So why do I have to keep showing that? Why do I constantly have to prove myself while others just manage to get by. I'm not saying they don't work hard, they do, but they get what they put in. Whereas I feel like I put all my energy into just getting by, because every time I get my feet back under me someone knocks them back out.
So yes, I can do it. I can re-take and pass the boards. I can work harder to have things on my resume that will offset my bad grades. But I don't want to. I want to get things right the first time. I want to work hard and get what I deserve out of it. I don't want to have to convince people that I'm going to be an awesome doctor, I want my grades to show that. I want my happy ending damn it!
and I know that I'm not quite at the end yet, and so maybe I just have to realize life isn't a movie. Or that I'm still the underdog, and I haven't reached the part where things just start to go well. Or maybe I should just resign myself to the fact that things are going to be harder for me than others, and I'd better get used to it. That is a depressing thought, but the one I'm going with the most so far it seems.
I know that my journey is different from everyone else's, and that there is a purpose behind all of this. And one day I am going to be a damned good doctor, no matter what path I have to take to get there. I just sometimes wish I wasn't paving my own path, but walking on a nice paved road that would get me where I want to be. I need a life GPS it seems, and I want to stop taking so many detours. But, as they say, it's not the destination, it's the journey. So I'd better get back to mine, even if I hate it right now.
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