I often feeling like I'm a fake medical student. All the other medical students are so excited about hands on training and getting to do procedures and all that jazz. I enjoy the occasional procedure. But really, I'd rather just listen to hearts and lungs and people's problems all day. If I could be a psychiatrist and cardiologist at the same time, I would. but I can't be a psychiatrist because I don't deal well with other crazies and I like my stethoscope too much.
What I do not like, is blood. I used to have all kinds of ways of justifying it. we'd be watching a gory movie and I would just say I didn't like the way it was portrayed, or that it was different in real life, or something. But when it comes right down to it, I'm just kinda squeamish. And I feel that that does not bode well for my future as a physician. I literally turn my head any time a television show or movie shows blood and guts. I do not think it is cool. I do not enjoy looking at it. But somehow I want to be a doctor. Hmmmm.
I thought I was getting over my crazy dislike of blood. when I lived in Jordan I almost passed out one day in the ER because there was this person with a huge gash in his hand and the doctor was like digging a probe in it to show me the tendons and everything. But I hadn't had a similar episode since starting school. Turns out that is probably because I haven't been around bleeding people since starting school. Sounds strange, since I work in hospitals. But except for the occasional blood draw, I really didnt have that much contact with blood. So I foolishly convinced myself I'd gotten over that fear.
Wrong. Monday I was watching a skin biopsy, again of the hand, of this little old lady. The doc was taking a chunk of her skin to send to pathology to see if it was cancer. I was going find until he was done, and she was spewing blood (or just leaking a little) and he was showing me the tendon again (maybe it's the tendon I'm scared of?) and then felt like I was going to pass out. I managed to play it off pretty well, he didn't notice, but I felt sick the rest of the day.
Then the next day, when I'm finally starting to feel better, he tells me that another patient is coming in for a skin biopsy of her nose the next day and I could do it. Any other medical student would have been so excited to get that chance. Not this one. My first thought was "holy crap how do I get out of this?" But throughout the day I slowly resigned myself to the fact that unless I wanted to be unfairly judged, I had better pretned to be excited about this. So this morning, full of terror at 1) mangling some poor old woman's face and 2) passing out, I brought a tomato to work to practice, under the direct supervision of the doctor.
After watching me work my magic on the tomato, the doc said "I think for this one I'm just going to let you see one." Awesome shot to the self esteem. But, I was happy, although I will admit slightly bummed, that I didn't have to do it. I just watched. And for some reason, the blood didn't bother me today, good news. And just as I'm getting out of there thinking how lucky I am, the doc tells me someone else needs a biospy later and that one will be all mine.
Who was it? A nurse at the doc's office who had WATCHED ME DESTROY THE TOMATO. Apparently she has no fear, and really believes in teaching students, because she let me go to town with her skin. Hacked off a nice slice of it, and it bled like crazy, and my hands were shaking, but I didn't pass out. But, I honestly don't want to do another one, ever again in my whole life.
What can I say? I don't like procedures. I think that makes me weird, abnormal, not cut out to be a doctor, but that's just the way I am. I have no interest in sticking people or cutting them up or removing things from them or inserting things into them. My personal nightmare: knowing one day I may have to remove someone's toe nail. I might vomit all over them, that shit is gross. I would rather a patient vomit on me, to be honest, that doesn't bother me at all.
Eventually I'll be able to find a career that involves only those things I like: my stethoscope, looking in people's ears, looking in their eyes, talking to them about their problems. I don't think I'm going to be in a position that involves a lot of cutting, blood, guts, etc. But until I get to that point, I have to put on my brave face and pretend I really enjoy making other people bleed so that I can stop their bleeding. It's going to be a long couple of years...
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
I know exactly how you feel
I have found, during my months of soul searching, the the thing that helps most is having someone who feels the same way you do. It helps to normalize feelings and make you think that you are not as crazy or messed up or horrible as you seem. For instance, it really helped me to know that other students struggle in medical school. It always helps me when my best friend says "man I hate that bitch" whenever we find out one of our friends is engaged. Because I'm not the only person who deep down inside hates everyone for being happier than I am. It's comforting, in it's own sick way. It makes me feel like I'm not as horrible of a person to hear other people say that they know how I feel, and actually do. At first I thought it was just because then I didn't feel like such a bad person. and it is still kind of like that, but there is more to it I think. It's comforting to know that other people feel the same way I do because it makes my feelings seem somewhat rational. It doesn't always take the feelings away, but then I at least don't have to worry about also feeling bad about the way I feel.
Case in point. When I failed the boards, the best part of that day was when a friend of mine called and said she also failed the boards. At first I felt like a horrible person for thinking that way. Because my immediate reaction to her failing wasn't "oh I wish that hadn't happened to her" or "that sucks" but rather "YES! Someone else failed." I didn't necessarily want it to be her, I'm very sorry she failed, but it was comforting to have someone else who I knew and got along with and felt on par with also fail the boards. But then I felt guilty and like a horrible person because I was glad she also failed. Part of it was, I'll admit, vindictive. Yes, someone else failed. Someone else has to go through what I'm going through. But mostly it was just comfort at not being alone. And when she told me that the only thing that got her through finding out she'd failed the boards was knowing that I had failed too and there was someone else going through what she was going through, I was finally able to at least let go of the guilt of having those feelings. One less feeling to have.
That same friend and I were talking the other day about all the other crazy feelings that we have that we are ashamed of, but that the two of us share so hopefully everyone has those feelings. It made me feel better at least to hear that she also felt the same way about certain things. Like how we've gotten to the point where we get mad at other people in class for being curious. Ask a question of someone and you are sure to have earned my scorn. Why? Is it because you asking a question makes me feel dumb? Or like I should be more interested? Why is it that when you ask a question about something I have no interest in finding out the answer? Then I just feel bad because I no longer care to know about things. And I can justify this all I want- oh I have so much to learn already, I can't take in anymore, whatever-but when it comes down to it I still feel bad for the feeling. Until someone else comes along and says "yeah, I totally feel that way. When someone asks a question I get frustrated that I'm going to have to sit and listen through an answer instead of being excited/interested to know what the answer is." A breath of fresh air. Because now I can convince myself that everyone feels this way.
Normalizing the feelings at least helps me to not feel bad for the way I feel or react to things. And I think that it may be the secret to really helping other people get through hard times. I mean, it won't always work. Because you can't really normalize murdering someone or stealing or stuff like that. But you can normalize wanted to throw a rock at a window for no good reason (also known as a compulsion) or your immediate reaction to your friend telling you she is engaged being "that bitch I hate her!" instead of feeling joy for another person's joy. Having someone else tell me they went through the same problems I'm going through helps me not feel so alone in the world all the time, no matter what it is I'm going through. Someone else failing a test, someone else wondering every day why they are doing what they are doing, someone else feeling envious or infuriated at friends just because they are smarter, someone else hating every second of the past two years. It's a sense of camaraderie with other people, something to tether you back to the world of others.
So really all I can say is I know how you feel. And I hope that knowing someone else is feeling the same way comforts you as it has managed to comfort me
Case in point. When I failed the boards, the best part of that day was when a friend of mine called and said she also failed the boards. At first I felt like a horrible person for thinking that way. Because my immediate reaction to her failing wasn't "oh I wish that hadn't happened to her" or "that sucks" but rather "YES! Someone else failed." I didn't necessarily want it to be her, I'm very sorry she failed, but it was comforting to have someone else who I knew and got along with and felt on par with also fail the boards. But then I felt guilty and like a horrible person because I was glad she also failed. Part of it was, I'll admit, vindictive. Yes, someone else failed. Someone else has to go through what I'm going through. But mostly it was just comfort at not being alone. And when she told me that the only thing that got her through finding out she'd failed the boards was knowing that I had failed too and there was someone else going through what she was going through, I was finally able to at least let go of the guilt of having those feelings. One less feeling to have.
That same friend and I were talking the other day about all the other crazy feelings that we have that we are ashamed of, but that the two of us share so hopefully everyone has those feelings. It made me feel better at least to hear that she also felt the same way about certain things. Like how we've gotten to the point where we get mad at other people in class for being curious. Ask a question of someone and you are sure to have earned my scorn. Why? Is it because you asking a question makes me feel dumb? Or like I should be more interested? Why is it that when you ask a question about something I have no interest in finding out the answer? Then I just feel bad because I no longer care to know about things. And I can justify this all I want- oh I have so much to learn already, I can't take in anymore, whatever-but when it comes down to it I still feel bad for the feeling. Until someone else comes along and says "yeah, I totally feel that way. When someone asks a question I get frustrated that I'm going to have to sit and listen through an answer instead of being excited/interested to know what the answer is." A breath of fresh air. Because now I can convince myself that everyone feels this way.
Normalizing the feelings at least helps me to not feel bad for the way I feel or react to things. And I think that it may be the secret to really helping other people get through hard times. I mean, it won't always work. Because you can't really normalize murdering someone or stealing or stuff like that. But you can normalize wanted to throw a rock at a window for no good reason (also known as a compulsion) or your immediate reaction to your friend telling you she is engaged being "that bitch I hate her!" instead of feeling joy for another person's joy. Having someone else tell me they went through the same problems I'm going through helps me not feel so alone in the world all the time, no matter what it is I'm going through. Someone else failing a test, someone else wondering every day why they are doing what they are doing, someone else feeling envious or infuriated at friends just because they are smarter, someone else hating every second of the past two years. It's a sense of camaraderie with other people, something to tether you back to the world of others.
So really all I can say is I know how you feel. And I hope that knowing someone else is feeling the same way comforts you as it has managed to comfort me
Friday, September 17, 2010
I actually don't like other medical students
Don't get me wrong, I have some AMAZING friends in my class and within the school. But outside of them, if I don't have to spend time with other students, my life is actually much happier.
This is a new finding for me. I had always enjoyed the pack mentality in the past. Working together, having someone else to feed off of, having someone to cover me if I didn't know what was going on, having someone to bitch too when things weren't going right. And it worked great in things like anatomy, where I sure as hell didn't want to be doing all that work by myself. I didn't want to be doing ANY of the work, so I needed a team. And when I first started volunteering for elective clinic sites, I never wanted to go alone. I needed someone there smarter than me who could show me the ropes so that I wasn't the dumb medical student always asking questions.
When did this realization that I really just don't enjoy being around others of my kind come in? In retrospect, it really started when I was studying for the boards the first time around. I started realizng that while I was dependent on other students being around so I didn't feel like I was suffering alone, really they made me suffer more. By constantly telling me what THEY were doing to study and how many hours they put in and how well they scored on practice tests really kinda made me want to kill myself. Self esteem dropped more and more by the day. Anxiety increased. Heart raced. And the amount of time I spent in the bathroom crying definitely increased. And then I fucking failed the boards anyway, so what good were those other students?
But I didn't really understand I didn't want to be around other medical students. I was very excited that I was doing my internal medicine rotation with other people in my class so I wouldn't be alone at Denver Health trying to survive each day without looking like a complete idiot. I even remember looking at the list and seeing I was on a team by myself but two of the students were on a team together and I was jealous that I wasn't on a team with someone else, that it was just me, fending for myself.
Now I thank God every day that He didn't put me on a team with anyone else. Why? Because medical students are evil, evil, backstabbing people. In the medical school situation that is. In general we are all very nice, well meaning people. But put us together and grade us against each other, and oooohhhh will we turn on each other. Sometimes you don't even realize that you've just been stabbed in the back. Example: another student bringing in an article FOR YOU because you guys had been talking baout it the day before. Seems friendly right? But no, it's really just a way for other student to show she is better than you. They were paying attention, they did some research, they showed that YOU didn't do the research but they did. Look at me look at me! Bitchslapped, that's what just happened.
But, I thought it was just the way of the world. The nature of the beast, so to speak, something you had to deal with. Then, I was sent to west side clinic. And at first, even with my hatred of other students, I was scared to be off on my own. I didn't want to! I needed someone! I needed a crutch. Maybe just a nice medical student? Maybe? Why must I go alone? I was terrified.
But then...oh then I realized the magical magical world of being the only medical student in a practice. It is amazing. Every day, I show up, and I don't have to worry about whether another medical student got there earlier than I did. Because God forbid I be the last medical student to show up. It'll look like I don't care. Even if I can get all my notes done in thirty minutes and pre-round on all my patients,so I dont NEED to be there at 5am, the fact that another student got there at 5am makes ME look bad! Even though I'm waymore efficient! The resident/attending won't necessarily see that. They'll see me meandering in all late and stuff while other medical students are diligently and happily there working before I am. It's a no win situation!
But at West Side, I could just show up, no worries. And then, when patients came, I just got to have them. I didn't have to fight for them with another student. They were just mine. I could spend all the time I wanted with one, and do my job, and actually learn things, instead of spending all my time worrying that the other medical students were doing better than me and were working harder than me and were sucking up more than me. I didn't have to impress people by being better than everyone else, I just had to impress them by doing my thing, which is good enough. I am a good student. I am going to be a good doctor. but I am not THE BEST, and I don't care to be THE BEST, and I don't do well in competition because I spend more time thinking about competing than I do working. So that cut the anxiety and stress of competing out, of constantly worrying that othermedical students were smarter than me.I could just be me, and do my job, and I realized that it was good enough. And I realized that it wasn't just that I was stuck with some gunners in myother rotation. I realized that it is just the way we are when we are together.
Because wednesday mornings when we get together for didactics, it's the same thing. Everyone trying to impress everyone else with their knowledge and how much they care about things. And being a medical student, I can' help being competitive even though I hate being competitive. I have to shout out the answer if I know it. So that everyone knows I know the answer. Why? Because that is what we do. and it SUCKS.
So now, I want to do all my rotations where I am the only medical student. I don't know that I can manage to do so, but if I can, I will. Because I have finally realized, I don't like other medical students...
This is a new finding for me. I had always enjoyed the pack mentality in the past. Working together, having someone else to feed off of, having someone to cover me if I didn't know what was going on, having someone to bitch too when things weren't going right. And it worked great in things like anatomy, where I sure as hell didn't want to be doing all that work by myself. I didn't want to be doing ANY of the work, so I needed a team. And when I first started volunteering for elective clinic sites, I never wanted to go alone. I needed someone there smarter than me who could show me the ropes so that I wasn't the dumb medical student always asking questions.
When did this realization that I really just don't enjoy being around others of my kind come in? In retrospect, it really started when I was studying for the boards the first time around. I started realizng that while I was dependent on other students being around so I didn't feel like I was suffering alone, really they made me suffer more. By constantly telling me what THEY were doing to study and how many hours they put in and how well they scored on practice tests really kinda made me want to kill myself. Self esteem dropped more and more by the day. Anxiety increased. Heart raced. And the amount of time I spent in the bathroom crying definitely increased. And then I fucking failed the boards anyway, so what good were those other students?
But I didn't really understand I didn't want to be around other medical students. I was very excited that I was doing my internal medicine rotation with other people in my class so I wouldn't be alone at Denver Health trying to survive each day without looking like a complete idiot. I even remember looking at the list and seeing I was on a team by myself but two of the students were on a team together and I was jealous that I wasn't on a team with someone else, that it was just me, fending for myself.
Now I thank God every day that He didn't put me on a team with anyone else. Why? Because medical students are evil, evil, backstabbing people. In the medical school situation that is. In general we are all very nice, well meaning people. But put us together and grade us against each other, and oooohhhh will we turn on each other. Sometimes you don't even realize that you've just been stabbed in the back. Example: another student bringing in an article FOR YOU because you guys had been talking baout it the day before. Seems friendly right? But no, it's really just a way for other student to show she is better than you. They were paying attention, they did some research, they showed that YOU didn't do the research but they did. Look at me look at me! Bitchslapped, that's what just happened.
But, I thought it was just the way of the world. The nature of the beast, so to speak, something you had to deal with. Then, I was sent to west side clinic. And at first, even with my hatred of other students, I was scared to be off on my own. I didn't want to! I needed someone! I needed a crutch. Maybe just a nice medical student? Maybe? Why must I go alone? I was terrified.
But then...oh then I realized the magical magical world of being the only medical student in a practice. It is amazing. Every day, I show up, and I don't have to worry about whether another medical student got there earlier than I did. Because God forbid I be the last medical student to show up. It'll look like I don't care. Even if I can get all my notes done in thirty minutes and pre-round on all my patients,so I dont NEED to be there at 5am, the fact that another student got there at 5am makes ME look bad! Even though I'm waymore efficient! The resident/attending won't necessarily see that. They'll see me meandering in all late and stuff while other medical students are diligently and happily there working before I am. It's a no win situation!
But at West Side, I could just show up, no worries. And then, when patients came, I just got to have them. I didn't have to fight for them with another student. They were just mine. I could spend all the time I wanted with one, and do my job, and actually learn things, instead of spending all my time worrying that the other medical students were doing better than me and were working harder than me and were sucking up more than me. I didn't have to impress people by being better than everyone else, I just had to impress them by doing my thing, which is good enough. I am a good student. I am going to be a good doctor. but I am not THE BEST, and I don't care to be THE BEST, and I don't do well in competition because I spend more time thinking about competing than I do working. So that cut the anxiety and stress of competing out, of constantly worrying that othermedical students were smarter than me.I could just be me, and do my job, and I realized that it was good enough. And I realized that it wasn't just that I was stuck with some gunners in myother rotation. I realized that it is just the way we are when we are together.
Because wednesday mornings when we get together for didactics, it's the same thing. Everyone trying to impress everyone else with their knowledge and how much they care about things. And being a medical student, I can' help being competitive even though I hate being competitive. I have to shout out the answer if I know it. So that everyone knows I know the answer. Why? Because that is what we do. and it SUCKS.
So now, I want to do all my rotations where I am the only medical student. I don't know that I can manage to do so, but if I can, I will. Because I have finally realized, I don't like other medical students...
Thursday, August 19, 2010
All I want is some free time. Until I get it. Then I have no clue what to do with it
As a medical student, well as a person in general I guess, a respectable "adult" with things to do, nothing is more sacred to me than my free time. And all I want is some more of it. I love free time. It's my me time, when I can get stuff done, relax, take in a movie, sleep, run errands, pay bills, clean, do my laundry, mostly just to chill. I can do whatever I want. I can go to the mountains, I can ride my bike, work out, go for a swim, whatevs man. It is very exciting. I spend most of my day dreaming about my free time, and what I'm going to do with it, and how awesome it is going to be. I'm just going to sit on the couch, watch some television, read a book, take a nap, eat, and have a perfectly wonderful, stress free period of time.
The problem with free time is that we are all type A personalities. We don't know what to do with an unscheduled moment of time. So we end up planning things for our free time, like doing the dishes, paying bills, cleaning the apartment, anything to keep us busy and make us feel important. And there is the fine balance between just enough free time and too much free time. Too much free time leads to disaster. At first you think it's going to be great: a week with absolutely nothing to do. Monday starts out, you sleep in, relax, watch some tv, make a to do list for the rest of the week. Tuesday comes around and you do exactly the same thing, rarely leaving your house for anything. By Wednesday you are itching for something to do, to get you out of your house, or make you feel important.
There are two ways to respond to this. One is to make random projects for yourself. Get out that to do list and start cleaning, laundry, bill paying, bike riding, and all of a sudden you realize that your free time is no longer free, you are doing stuff with it. What happened to relaxing? Now you are just stressed out about all the stuff you need to do. Some people are able to do one important task per free day, and then enjoy the rest of it.
I am not one of those people. I respond this way: Oh, I'll do it tomorrow. I get so bored just sitting on the couch watching television, but I refuse to spend my free time doing something important. That would be a waste of free time. But then I start to feel guilty, and start thinking about all the things I should be doing instead. But I didn't make plans, and I'm not a spontaneous person, so I just sit there, wondering what to do with myself. Every once in awhile I get a random burst of energy, in which I can do something productive or fun. Sometimes I can get ahold of someone to hang out with me and keep me entertained. But more often than not I just create lists of things to do and never get them done.
Case in point, I've had this entire week off. It is now Thursday. Today I finally did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the living room, paid some bills, and got my pager set up. The rest of the week? I've sat around watching television. Occasionally go for a bike ride. Mostly napped. That is how I handle myself. Instead of doing what I should be doing, I figure it can all be done later and just take a nap. So now I'm going to start back up in rotations on Monday, and I'm sure there are millions of things I should have done by now but haven't. All because a week of free time is absolutely too much for me to handle. I need like two days. That's my max. I can be productive AND get relaxed. After that I start feeling guilty about all the stuff I shoudl be doing, but instead of doing it I just sit there feeling guilty about it. I go to bed each night thinking "Tomorrow, tomorrow is going to be the day." Then tomorrow comes and I decide I'd rather lay in bed until noon, then watch a movie, take a nap, and convince myself I have plenty of time to get all my work done the next day. In the mean time, i try to figure out how to entertain myself. Because I get bored fairly easily. But instead of doing all the things I should be doing, I play solitaire in front of the tv, thinking if I do two things at once I'm multitasking and not being so lazy, right? Upstairs the bills are still unpaid, the laundry is still dirty, the bathroom has not decided it wants to clean itself. And for some reason putting the dishes in the dishwasher seems like too much work for me. At some point I'm oging to have to get all this work done, but I'm not sure when. Tomorrow I guess.
What is worse than large amounts of free time is unplanned free time. You would think that unplanned free time would be a blessing. Like yeah! Where did this hour come from? I can use it to relax! Not the case. Unplanned free time causes stress. Becaue it is never enough time to get anything done. It's always like an hour, and then I have to be in class again, or at the next meeting, or whatever. 45 minutes? What the heck do I do with that? I could take a nap, but I'd need to find a safe nap place. I can't go home and get things done because I live at least fifteen minutes away from everything. I can't study, because by the time I pull out all my books, set them up, find my favorite high lighter, and get down to reading, it's time to pack them all back up again. Unscheduled free time is a medical student's worst nightmare. Mostly because there is always something you COULD be doing, but it just isn't enough time. Or I just can't get there and back to what I need to be doing. And it never comes in at a handy time. It's never like I got off an hour early from school and don't have anywhere else to be. It's more like, class ended twenty minutes early and I have a meeting in an hour. Awesome. Or like at one of the hospitals I rotated through, where we had morning report from 1030 til 1130, then noon conference at noon. What am I supposed to do with that half hour? It's just enough time to start something thatI can't possibly finish. It's a disaster.
So, while you will constantly hear me moaning about how I don't have enough free time, the second I get some, I garauntee I'm going to waste it in some way shape or form, even if it is just by resenting at what time it came to me. But that won't stop me from convincing myself that if I only had a little bit of free time I'd be a better person. It's a vicious cycle that cannot be broken.
The problem with free time is that we are all type A personalities. We don't know what to do with an unscheduled moment of time. So we end up planning things for our free time, like doing the dishes, paying bills, cleaning the apartment, anything to keep us busy and make us feel important. And there is the fine balance between just enough free time and too much free time. Too much free time leads to disaster. At first you think it's going to be great: a week with absolutely nothing to do. Monday starts out, you sleep in, relax, watch some tv, make a to do list for the rest of the week. Tuesday comes around and you do exactly the same thing, rarely leaving your house for anything. By Wednesday you are itching for something to do, to get you out of your house, or make you feel important.
There are two ways to respond to this. One is to make random projects for yourself. Get out that to do list and start cleaning, laundry, bill paying, bike riding, and all of a sudden you realize that your free time is no longer free, you are doing stuff with it. What happened to relaxing? Now you are just stressed out about all the stuff you need to do. Some people are able to do one important task per free day, and then enjoy the rest of it.
I am not one of those people. I respond this way: Oh, I'll do it tomorrow. I get so bored just sitting on the couch watching television, but I refuse to spend my free time doing something important. That would be a waste of free time. But then I start to feel guilty, and start thinking about all the things I should be doing instead. But I didn't make plans, and I'm not a spontaneous person, so I just sit there, wondering what to do with myself. Every once in awhile I get a random burst of energy, in which I can do something productive or fun. Sometimes I can get ahold of someone to hang out with me and keep me entertained. But more often than not I just create lists of things to do and never get them done.
Case in point, I've had this entire week off. It is now Thursday. Today I finally did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the living room, paid some bills, and got my pager set up. The rest of the week? I've sat around watching television. Occasionally go for a bike ride. Mostly napped. That is how I handle myself. Instead of doing what I should be doing, I figure it can all be done later and just take a nap. So now I'm going to start back up in rotations on Monday, and I'm sure there are millions of things I should have done by now but haven't. All because a week of free time is absolutely too much for me to handle. I need like two days. That's my max. I can be productive AND get relaxed. After that I start feeling guilty about all the stuff I shoudl be doing, but instead of doing it I just sit there feeling guilty about it. I go to bed each night thinking "Tomorrow, tomorrow is going to be the day." Then tomorrow comes and I decide I'd rather lay in bed until noon, then watch a movie, take a nap, and convince myself I have plenty of time to get all my work done the next day. In the mean time, i try to figure out how to entertain myself. Because I get bored fairly easily. But instead of doing all the things I should be doing, I play solitaire in front of the tv, thinking if I do two things at once I'm multitasking and not being so lazy, right? Upstairs the bills are still unpaid, the laundry is still dirty, the bathroom has not decided it wants to clean itself. And for some reason putting the dishes in the dishwasher seems like too much work for me. At some point I'm oging to have to get all this work done, but I'm not sure when. Tomorrow I guess.
What is worse than large amounts of free time is unplanned free time. You would think that unplanned free time would be a blessing. Like yeah! Where did this hour come from? I can use it to relax! Not the case. Unplanned free time causes stress. Becaue it is never enough time to get anything done. It's always like an hour, and then I have to be in class again, or at the next meeting, or whatever. 45 minutes? What the heck do I do with that? I could take a nap, but I'd need to find a safe nap place. I can't go home and get things done because I live at least fifteen minutes away from everything. I can't study, because by the time I pull out all my books, set them up, find my favorite high lighter, and get down to reading, it's time to pack them all back up again. Unscheduled free time is a medical student's worst nightmare. Mostly because there is always something you COULD be doing, but it just isn't enough time. Or I just can't get there and back to what I need to be doing. And it never comes in at a handy time. It's never like I got off an hour early from school and don't have anywhere else to be. It's more like, class ended twenty minutes early and I have a meeting in an hour. Awesome. Or like at one of the hospitals I rotated through, where we had morning report from 1030 til 1130, then noon conference at noon. What am I supposed to do with that half hour? It's just enough time to start something thatI can't possibly finish. It's a disaster.
So, while you will constantly hear me moaning about how I don't have enough free time, the second I get some, I garauntee I'm going to waste it in some way shape or form, even if it is just by resenting at what time it came to me. But that won't stop me from convincing myself that if I only had a little bit of free time I'd be a better person. It's a vicious cycle that cannot be broken.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
It doesn't matter what you tell yourself. If you're upset you're upset
We try all we can to convince ourselves that our problems aren't that big and that we shouldn't be upset about things. I'm a medical student, I'll say. How can I equate my problems with real problems? Tests, studying, hating school, all of that is nothing compared to real people's problems right? So why am I so upset about everything? Why do I hate my life so much? Really there is nothing wrong with it. I've got a great opportunity ahead of me. I'm not starving, I'm not crippled, I'm not looking for work, I'm not really suffering in any way. I should be happy. I shouldn't complain. In fact, telling people my problems makes me feel even worse about them, because I listen to how stupid they are and wonder why i'm even upset about such things.
But the truth of the matter is, it doesn't matter at all why you are upset about something, it just matters that you are upset. It doesn't matter how stupid something is, or how juvenille things have become. Trying to convince yourself that you shouldn't feel bad about something only makes you feel worse about it. And what makes it the worst is that you feel like you can't talk to anyone about it, and it just starts to eat you up inside.
Why can't we all just openly admit that we feel like crap most of the time? why do we have to pretend that we love everything and have no problems? Why do we have to pretend that everything is okay? Why isn't there anyone out there telling us that things are okay? Or at least that it is okay for us to feel this way. Tell us that it doesn't matter what our problems may be, or how small they may seem, just the fact that we have problems is okay and we don't have to explain them away.
We should be facing our problems, and facing the fact that we all hate things every once in awhile, or always, whichever it may be. And that is okay.
Every day we wake up, we feel like crap, and we keep going. We keep the faith and hope that one day everything is going to be better tomorrow. Somedays we really can't believe that is true, and we have no reason to believe that it may be true, becaue things keep feeling like crap no matter what we do. And nothing makes it better, and thinking about how our problems really aren't that big of a deal doesn't make them go away.
So what can we do? how can we make things better? Maybe by just admitting that things aren't perfect, and finding someone that we can talk to about the little things. Because it's all the little things that build up, making us all feel crazy on the inside. None of the good stuff matters when all we can feel is inadequate, unloved, and unhappy. Life doesn't stop for us because we are on our way to becoming doctors. We still have all the same old crap to deal with. Dating, family, friends, drama coming from every direction. It just adds up onto the feelings of not being satisfied with where we are in life, wondering if any of it is worth it. And it doesn't just happen to medical students. Everyone out there feels bad about something, hates something about their lives, has woken up one day unexplicably upset about something, feeling depressed. And most of us try to push it off, pretend it doesn't exist. Pretend that it doesn't matter that much, or that we shouldn't be upset about it. But the truth of the matter is, no matter what you are feeling, you have a right to feel that way. And that's the best advice I can give to anyone out there. Don't hide your feelings behind more feelings of guilt for feeling the way you do. Just feel. Let it out. Find someone to talk to. Don't listen to yourself when you are talking to them, so you can't tell yourself you're being stupid.
It's okay to be upset. It is okay to be depressed. It is okay to be sad. It doesn't matter what the reason is. You don't have to suck it up and move on. Sure, you have t ocontinue living your life and make sure you don't let it all get to you, but being an adult is not about feeling good all the time. It's not about making all the right decisions. It's about knowing that if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you're eventually going to get there.
My problems sometimes seem so insignificant that I can't even believe I waste time thinking about them, let alone going to therapy to talk them out with someone. But the more I think about them, the more I realize that it really is the little things in life that have the biggest weight in my life, and if I can't learn to deal with those, if I can't find it in myself to recognize that there is a problem, and that I shouldn't be ashamed of the problem, I'm never going to be able to get over it, no matter how hard I try to push it out of my mind or out of my life.
The only reason I know to do this is because someone once told me it didn't matter why I was depressed. It only mattered that I was depressed and that I should work on taking care of it. I didn't not deserve to be treated for depression just because I was a medical student and I'm overwhelmed with school and really it is no big deal. That is total bullshit. It doesn't matter why, but it does matter. So don't hide your feelings. And don't ever tell someone to get over their feelings. But be honest with each other, and find someone you can share with, who you can trust, you won't make you feel like the biggest asshole in the world for being upset about a date that went wrong while there are natural disasters around the world ruining people's lives. If you can't find someone like that, come talk to me. I'll be there for you.
But the truth of the matter is, it doesn't matter at all why you are upset about something, it just matters that you are upset. It doesn't matter how stupid something is, or how juvenille things have become. Trying to convince yourself that you shouldn't feel bad about something only makes you feel worse about it. And what makes it the worst is that you feel like you can't talk to anyone about it, and it just starts to eat you up inside.
Why can't we all just openly admit that we feel like crap most of the time? why do we have to pretend that we love everything and have no problems? Why do we have to pretend that everything is okay? Why isn't there anyone out there telling us that things are okay? Or at least that it is okay for us to feel this way. Tell us that it doesn't matter what our problems may be, or how small they may seem, just the fact that we have problems is okay and we don't have to explain them away.
We should be facing our problems, and facing the fact that we all hate things every once in awhile, or always, whichever it may be. And that is okay.
Every day we wake up, we feel like crap, and we keep going. We keep the faith and hope that one day everything is going to be better tomorrow. Somedays we really can't believe that is true, and we have no reason to believe that it may be true, becaue things keep feeling like crap no matter what we do. And nothing makes it better, and thinking about how our problems really aren't that big of a deal doesn't make them go away.
So what can we do? how can we make things better? Maybe by just admitting that things aren't perfect, and finding someone that we can talk to about the little things. Because it's all the little things that build up, making us all feel crazy on the inside. None of the good stuff matters when all we can feel is inadequate, unloved, and unhappy. Life doesn't stop for us because we are on our way to becoming doctors. We still have all the same old crap to deal with. Dating, family, friends, drama coming from every direction. It just adds up onto the feelings of not being satisfied with where we are in life, wondering if any of it is worth it. And it doesn't just happen to medical students. Everyone out there feels bad about something, hates something about their lives, has woken up one day unexplicably upset about something, feeling depressed. And most of us try to push it off, pretend it doesn't exist. Pretend that it doesn't matter that much, or that we shouldn't be upset about it. But the truth of the matter is, no matter what you are feeling, you have a right to feel that way. And that's the best advice I can give to anyone out there. Don't hide your feelings behind more feelings of guilt for feeling the way you do. Just feel. Let it out. Find someone to talk to. Don't listen to yourself when you are talking to them, so you can't tell yourself you're being stupid.
It's okay to be upset. It is okay to be depressed. It is okay to be sad. It doesn't matter what the reason is. You don't have to suck it up and move on. Sure, you have t ocontinue living your life and make sure you don't let it all get to you, but being an adult is not about feeling good all the time. It's not about making all the right decisions. It's about knowing that if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you're eventually going to get there.
My problems sometimes seem so insignificant that I can't even believe I waste time thinking about them, let alone going to therapy to talk them out with someone. But the more I think about them, the more I realize that it really is the little things in life that have the biggest weight in my life, and if I can't learn to deal with those, if I can't find it in myself to recognize that there is a problem, and that I shouldn't be ashamed of the problem, I'm never going to be able to get over it, no matter how hard I try to push it out of my mind or out of my life.
The only reason I know to do this is because someone once told me it didn't matter why I was depressed. It only mattered that I was depressed and that I should work on taking care of it. I didn't not deserve to be treated for depression just because I was a medical student and I'm overwhelmed with school and really it is no big deal. That is total bullshit. It doesn't matter why, but it does matter. So don't hide your feelings. And don't ever tell someone to get over their feelings. But be honest with each other, and find someone you can share with, who you can trust, you won't make you feel like the biggest asshole in the world for being upset about a date that went wrong while there are natural disasters around the world ruining people's lives. If you can't find someone like that, come talk to me. I'll be there for you.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
We're all on our own journeys
I'm actually feeling a little bit good about life, so thought I'd take some time to not be such a debbie downer about school. Don't get me wrong, it still sucks, but as I get ready to take the boards again tomorrow, I'm feeling a sense of peace. Sure, it is terrifying, and yes it set me back, but when was the last time something gone the way I wanted it to? If I had had my way I would have gotten into medical school the first time I applied, and I'd have just graduated. Instead it took me two long years of trying, and in that time I went to Jordan, I learned to salsa dance, I made new friends, I realized I was not cut out for teaching, and I grew to be a stronger person.
When I lived in Jordan I adopted a new life motto: as long as it makes a good story, it doesn't matter what I go through. I realized this on a trip to Egypt where everything seemed to go wrong. And though I was in tears for part of it, I LOVED that trip. Nothing went the way it was supposed to, but we had the craziest adventure, and I got to tell people about it and they laugh so hard when they hear about it. And I've really tried to live by that motto. Bad days teaching were fine because I just thought about who I would tell what had happened and how they would react.
I've managed to hold onto that for most of medical school, but in the last month I've definitely lost sight of that life motto, and so now I'm trying to get it back. Sure, I've been trying to look on the bright side: I get to ride my bike a lot, I'm not in surgery right now, I've gotten more sleep, I can go salsa dancing in the evenings if I want to. But in reality, I've spent more time thinking about how all of this is going to set me back, and how hard it is going to be to get back on track. And for good reason, this has been a horrible experience, one that I really can't make out to be a funny story.
But it is one that I can turn into a story that I tell people. Hopefully my story will have a happy ending. It's not going to have the ending I was expecting. Because of this set back, and because of the fact that I'm not kicking ass and taking names on any tests or blocks, and I'm going to graduate as a mediocre student to the last, I might not get what I want. But I am going to be a doctor, and isn't that all that matters? Instead of worrying about the future, shouldn't I be enjoying the journey I'm on? And I will have a story to tell, one that people will be interested in, because I didn't get to go the easy road. I had to go this criss cross crazy path, and yeah I'm not a great test taker and none of my grades show that I'm I'm an accomplished person.
When it comes time to find a residency, I really believe I'm going to have to fight to get one, and that I might not get the residency I want. But damn it, I made Nebraska a fun place to live, I can do that anywhere. And what I'll get out of the experience may be much more valuable to me than it would have been in the residency of my dreams. My uncle, who is a kick ass surgeon, is only a kick ass surgeon because he didn't get the residency he wanted, he ended up somewhere no one wants to go, but he got more experience actually performing surgeries than he would have if he'd been here, and because of that he was highly sought after when he graduated from his fellowship.
It's time to remember that that which does not kill you only makes you stronger. And it is true. My collegues will all be fantastic doctors, but I am going to have a strength that few of them do. I'm going to have an appreciation for what I have because I've had to work twice as hard for it, and I've proven again and again and again that I can pick myself back up and be a stronger person for that. And that is an advantage that is finally going to get me where I need to go. I'm not sure why I had to take this path, but there is a purpose to it. And while right now I'd've really liked things to have been easier and more direct, there is a reason it wasn't.
Maybe it was only so that I could help others who struggle as well. Or maybe it is because I'm meant to be in some horrid small town hospital for my residency. Maybe I'll gain experience no one else is able to get. Maybe I'll have opportunities no one else will get.
Maybe I should stop planning what my life is going to be like and just get back to living it. Because obviously things don't work according to my plan. so instead of worrying about how all the pieces are going to fall into place, maybe I should just let them fall as they may. I seem to have no control over what happens, but I have control over how I respond to it. Maybe my resume isn't going to look awesome. Maybe I didn't honor my rotation like I thought I was going to. Maybe I'm just average when it comes to grades and evalutations. But none of that matters. What matters is that I'm strong enough to take whatever comes my way. What matters is that patients love me, and trust me, and team mates rely on me and find me competent. I can do my job, even if I can't seem to prove it to those who control my grades.
All I can do is keep telling myself that I'm going to be okay. And only lilsten to the positive. Sure, I didn't high pass the rotation when I was sure I was going to. I'm still not sure why, but I didn't. But I did have numerous people tell me I worked at an intern level, and that I was going to be a great doctor. I had patients open up to me. I was able to draw conclusions and put things together and work hard, and I made a good impression. Sadly I only make a good impression face to face, but if I just keep working hard I'm going to get where I need to be.
It's hard to hold yourself up when the world is trying to pull you down. I've had my share of bad times, but they are all part of my journey, of who I'm going to become. And yes it sucks, and if I had control over things this isn't the way I'd want them to turn out. But I don't have control, so I'd better just hold on.
Tomorrow I step back into the ring and hope to God I don't get the crap kicked out of me again. I have to stay positive and sure of myself. And God willing I'm not only going to pass this time but kick ass. And instead of feeling like people are demeaning me when they say how proud they are of how hard I've worked, I should take the complement, and realize that I have worked hard, and although I'm tired of proving myself, I'm going to. And everything is going to work out.
So have faith friends, it is all going to be okay. I can't promise that, but I have to hope for it. We are all on our own journeys, sometimes the journey leads us into a dark place, most of the time we can't help compare ourselves to others, but all that matters in the end is that you've lived your life and done what you need to do. Hold your head up high and just push on t hrough. It's what we do.
When I lived in Jordan I adopted a new life motto: as long as it makes a good story, it doesn't matter what I go through. I realized this on a trip to Egypt where everything seemed to go wrong. And though I was in tears for part of it, I LOVED that trip. Nothing went the way it was supposed to, but we had the craziest adventure, and I got to tell people about it and they laugh so hard when they hear about it. And I've really tried to live by that motto. Bad days teaching were fine because I just thought about who I would tell what had happened and how they would react.
I've managed to hold onto that for most of medical school, but in the last month I've definitely lost sight of that life motto, and so now I'm trying to get it back. Sure, I've been trying to look on the bright side: I get to ride my bike a lot, I'm not in surgery right now, I've gotten more sleep, I can go salsa dancing in the evenings if I want to. But in reality, I've spent more time thinking about how all of this is going to set me back, and how hard it is going to be to get back on track. And for good reason, this has been a horrible experience, one that I really can't make out to be a funny story.
But it is one that I can turn into a story that I tell people. Hopefully my story will have a happy ending. It's not going to have the ending I was expecting. Because of this set back, and because of the fact that I'm not kicking ass and taking names on any tests or blocks, and I'm going to graduate as a mediocre student to the last, I might not get what I want. But I am going to be a doctor, and isn't that all that matters? Instead of worrying about the future, shouldn't I be enjoying the journey I'm on? And I will have a story to tell, one that people will be interested in, because I didn't get to go the easy road. I had to go this criss cross crazy path, and yeah I'm not a great test taker and none of my grades show that I'm I'm an accomplished person.
When it comes time to find a residency, I really believe I'm going to have to fight to get one, and that I might not get the residency I want. But damn it, I made Nebraska a fun place to live, I can do that anywhere. And what I'll get out of the experience may be much more valuable to me than it would have been in the residency of my dreams. My uncle, who is a kick ass surgeon, is only a kick ass surgeon because he didn't get the residency he wanted, he ended up somewhere no one wants to go, but he got more experience actually performing surgeries than he would have if he'd been here, and because of that he was highly sought after when he graduated from his fellowship.
It's time to remember that that which does not kill you only makes you stronger. And it is true. My collegues will all be fantastic doctors, but I am going to have a strength that few of them do. I'm going to have an appreciation for what I have because I've had to work twice as hard for it, and I've proven again and again and again that I can pick myself back up and be a stronger person for that. And that is an advantage that is finally going to get me where I need to go. I'm not sure why I had to take this path, but there is a purpose to it. And while right now I'd've really liked things to have been easier and more direct, there is a reason it wasn't.
Maybe it was only so that I could help others who struggle as well. Or maybe it is because I'm meant to be in some horrid small town hospital for my residency. Maybe I'll gain experience no one else is able to get. Maybe I'll have opportunities no one else will get.
Maybe I should stop planning what my life is going to be like and just get back to living it. Because obviously things don't work according to my plan. so instead of worrying about how all the pieces are going to fall into place, maybe I should just let them fall as they may. I seem to have no control over what happens, but I have control over how I respond to it. Maybe my resume isn't going to look awesome. Maybe I didn't honor my rotation like I thought I was going to. Maybe I'm just average when it comes to grades and evalutations. But none of that matters. What matters is that I'm strong enough to take whatever comes my way. What matters is that patients love me, and trust me, and team mates rely on me and find me competent. I can do my job, even if I can't seem to prove it to those who control my grades.
All I can do is keep telling myself that I'm going to be okay. And only lilsten to the positive. Sure, I didn't high pass the rotation when I was sure I was going to. I'm still not sure why, but I didn't. But I did have numerous people tell me I worked at an intern level, and that I was going to be a great doctor. I had patients open up to me. I was able to draw conclusions and put things together and work hard, and I made a good impression. Sadly I only make a good impression face to face, but if I just keep working hard I'm going to get where I need to be.
It's hard to hold yourself up when the world is trying to pull you down. I've had my share of bad times, but they are all part of my journey, of who I'm going to become. And yes it sucks, and if I had control over things this isn't the way I'd want them to turn out. But I don't have control, so I'd better just hold on.
Tomorrow I step back into the ring and hope to God I don't get the crap kicked out of me again. I have to stay positive and sure of myself. And God willing I'm not only going to pass this time but kick ass. And instead of feeling like people are demeaning me when they say how proud they are of how hard I've worked, I should take the complement, and realize that I have worked hard, and although I'm tired of proving myself, I'm going to. And everything is going to work out.
So have faith friends, it is all going to be okay. I can't promise that, but I have to hope for it. We are all on our own journeys, sometimes the journey leads us into a dark place, most of the time we can't help compare ourselves to others, but all that matters in the end is that you've lived your life and done what you need to do. Hold your head up high and just push on t hrough. It's what we do.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Did I really used to enjoy studying?
I specifically remember telling people that I enjoy studying when I was trying to get into medical school. "Oh yeah" I would say "it'll be hard, but I actually kind of like to study." Oh I rue the day I said those words. Because come to it, I don't like to study anymore. And really, I can't remember enjoying studying before.
Maybe I just enjoyed it because I was good at it. Or not necessarily good at it, but I would do it and then I would get good grades. Kind of like how I love math when I get the answer correct, but if I can't do it correctly I get really mad. Maybe medical school has just sucked my soul right out. Because I definitely do not enjoy studying any longer. I would rather do just about anything than sit down with a text book. I would rather stare up at the ceiling while lying on my couch. That is more entertaining to me than studying is.
What happened? Was I just a big fat liar all those times I said I enjoy studying? Because I kind of remember it partially somehow being true. I liked libraries, where I could sit quietly with a pile of books, or coffee shops where I could pretend to look busy. I must have at one point enjoyed learning at least right? I wouldn't have come this far if I didn't have some kind of sick pleasure from all of this...
I have noticed, however, that not only do I no longer enjoy studying, I don't even enjoy learning all that much. I used to be full of curiosity, wondering how things worked. If I didn't know, I'd ask, or I'd look it up. Now, if I don't understand it, the most I'm likely to do is check and see if wikipedia has the answer. Or if the girl sitting next to me in class has it. I don't want to ask questions anymore. I generally don't care how something I don't understand works.
I think it is from information overload. That and my happiness and lifeforce are being sucked away by medical school. But hopefully mostly the information overload. It comes to the point where I know that if I have a question about something and look it up, all it is really going to lead to is another question, and I'll have to look that up, and so forth and so on, because there is always something more to learn. And I just can't take that on. Unfortunately, the baseline I set myself at is fairly low, so there is quite a bit that I don't know and am not willing to learn.
Luckily, third year changes that a bit, or at least I felt like it did. I still don't enjoy studying. But now at least when I study something its because I am seeing it. Wegener's granulomatous disease comes to live when I actually meet someone who has it. Sarcoidosis is no longer a figment of some test maker's imagination. And all the path and phys and pharm start to slowly click into place. I can't wait to get back to that. But it still wasn't all there, and I found myself still not wanting to ask too many questions, because after awhile I just stop listening to the answer. I can only hold so much in my poor little brain at a time.
And I still don't enjoy studying. Studying is now equated with nap time, because I'm more likely to be asleep on my books than actually reading them. Unfortunately gaining information through osmosis does not actually work, try as hard as I may. And I've got to be really interested in something to spend time lookingstuff up about it.
So, whether or not I used to like studying, I sure as hell don't now, and kind of wish I had known this before making this leap into medical school. Because it sure is a lot of time spent doing things I don't like, mainly studying. But every hopeful medical student to be I meet, or that you will meet, or that you once were, will say to you "I actually kinda like studying..." Yep, you keep telling yourself that.
Maybe I just enjoyed it because I was good at it. Or not necessarily good at it, but I would do it and then I would get good grades. Kind of like how I love math when I get the answer correct, but if I can't do it correctly I get really mad. Maybe medical school has just sucked my soul right out. Because I definitely do not enjoy studying any longer. I would rather do just about anything than sit down with a text book. I would rather stare up at the ceiling while lying on my couch. That is more entertaining to me than studying is.
What happened? Was I just a big fat liar all those times I said I enjoy studying? Because I kind of remember it partially somehow being true. I liked libraries, where I could sit quietly with a pile of books, or coffee shops where I could pretend to look busy. I must have at one point enjoyed learning at least right? I wouldn't have come this far if I didn't have some kind of sick pleasure from all of this...
I have noticed, however, that not only do I no longer enjoy studying, I don't even enjoy learning all that much. I used to be full of curiosity, wondering how things worked. If I didn't know, I'd ask, or I'd look it up. Now, if I don't understand it, the most I'm likely to do is check and see if wikipedia has the answer. Or if the girl sitting next to me in class has it. I don't want to ask questions anymore. I generally don't care how something I don't understand works.
I think it is from information overload. That and my happiness and lifeforce are being sucked away by medical school. But hopefully mostly the information overload. It comes to the point where I know that if I have a question about something and look it up, all it is really going to lead to is another question, and I'll have to look that up, and so forth and so on, because there is always something more to learn. And I just can't take that on. Unfortunately, the baseline I set myself at is fairly low, so there is quite a bit that I don't know and am not willing to learn.
Luckily, third year changes that a bit, or at least I felt like it did. I still don't enjoy studying. But now at least when I study something its because I am seeing it. Wegener's granulomatous disease comes to live when I actually meet someone who has it. Sarcoidosis is no longer a figment of some test maker's imagination. And all the path and phys and pharm start to slowly click into place. I can't wait to get back to that. But it still wasn't all there, and I found myself still not wanting to ask too many questions, because after awhile I just stop listening to the answer. I can only hold so much in my poor little brain at a time.
And I still don't enjoy studying. Studying is now equated with nap time, because I'm more likely to be asleep on my books than actually reading them. Unfortunately gaining information through osmosis does not actually work, try as hard as I may. And I've got to be really interested in something to spend time lookingstuff up about it.
So, whether or not I used to like studying, I sure as hell don't now, and kind of wish I had known this before making this leap into medical school. Because it sure is a lot of time spent doing things I don't like, mainly studying. But every hopeful medical student to be I meet, or that you will meet, or that you once were, will say to you "I actually kinda like studying..." Yep, you keep telling yourself that.
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