I have found, during my months of soul searching, the the thing that helps most is having someone who feels the same way you do. It helps to normalize feelings and make you think that you are not as crazy or messed up or horrible as you seem. For instance, it really helped me to know that other students struggle in medical school. It always helps me when my best friend says "man I hate that bitch" whenever we find out one of our friends is engaged. Because I'm not the only person who deep down inside hates everyone for being happier than I am. It's comforting, in it's own sick way. It makes me feel like I'm not as horrible of a person to hear other people say that they know how I feel, and actually do. At first I thought it was just because then I didn't feel like such a bad person. and it is still kind of like that, but there is more to it I think. It's comforting to know that other people feel the same way I do because it makes my feelings seem somewhat rational. It doesn't always take the feelings away, but then I at least don't have to worry about also feeling bad about the way I feel.
Case in point. When I failed the boards, the best part of that day was when a friend of mine called and said she also failed the boards. At first I felt like a horrible person for thinking that way. Because my immediate reaction to her failing wasn't "oh I wish that hadn't happened to her" or "that sucks" but rather "YES! Someone else failed." I didn't necessarily want it to be her, I'm very sorry she failed, but it was comforting to have someone else who I knew and got along with and felt on par with also fail the boards. But then I felt guilty and like a horrible person because I was glad she also failed. Part of it was, I'll admit, vindictive. Yes, someone else failed. Someone else has to go through what I'm going through. But mostly it was just comfort at not being alone. And when she told me that the only thing that got her through finding out she'd failed the boards was knowing that I had failed too and there was someone else going through what she was going through, I was finally able to at least let go of the guilt of having those feelings. One less feeling to have.
That same friend and I were talking the other day about all the other crazy feelings that we have that we are ashamed of, but that the two of us share so hopefully everyone has those feelings. It made me feel better at least to hear that she also felt the same way about certain things. Like how we've gotten to the point where we get mad at other people in class for being curious. Ask a question of someone and you are sure to have earned my scorn. Why? Is it because you asking a question makes me feel dumb? Or like I should be more interested? Why is it that when you ask a question about something I have no interest in finding out the answer? Then I just feel bad because I no longer care to know about things. And I can justify this all I want- oh I have so much to learn already, I can't take in anymore, whatever-but when it comes down to it I still feel bad for the feeling. Until someone else comes along and says "yeah, I totally feel that way. When someone asks a question I get frustrated that I'm going to have to sit and listen through an answer instead of being excited/interested to know what the answer is." A breath of fresh air. Because now I can convince myself that everyone feels this way.
Normalizing the feelings at least helps me to not feel bad for the way I feel or react to things. And I think that it may be the secret to really helping other people get through hard times. I mean, it won't always work. Because you can't really normalize murdering someone or stealing or stuff like that. But you can normalize wanted to throw a rock at a window for no good reason (also known as a compulsion) or your immediate reaction to your friend telling you she is engaged being "that bitch I hate her!" instead of feeling joy for another person's joy. Having someone else tell me they went through the same problems I'm going through helps me not feel so alone in the world all the time, no matter what it is I'm going through. Someone else failing a test, someone else wondering every day why they are doing what they are doing, someone else feeling envious or infuriated at friends just because they are smarter, someone else hating every second of the past two years. It's a sense of camaraderie with other people, something to tether you back to the world of others.
So really all I can say is I know how you feel. And I hope that knowing someone else is feeling the same way comforts you as it has managed to comfort me
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