As a medical student, well as a person in general I guess, a respectable "adult" with things to do, nothing is more sacred to me than my free time. And all I want is some more of it. I love free time. It's my me time, when I can get stuff done, relax, take in a movie, sleep, run errands, pay bills, clean, do my laundry, mostly just to chill. I can do whatever I want. I can go to the mountains, I can ride my bike, work out, go for a swim, whatevs man. It is very exciting. I spend most of my day dreaming about my free time, and what I'm going to do with it, and how awesome it is going to be. I'm just going to sit on the couch, watch some television, read a book, take a nap, eat, and have a perfectly wonderful, stress free period of time.
The problem with free time is that we are all type A personalities. We don't know what to do with an unscheduled moment of time. So we end up planning things for our free time, like doing the dishes, paying bills, cleaning the apartment, anything to keep us busy and make us feel important. And there is the fine balance between just enough free time and too much free time. Too much free time leads to disaster. At first you think it's going to be great: a week with absolutely nothing to do. Monday starts out, you sleep in, relax, watch some tv, make a to do list for the rest of the week. Tuesday comes around and you do exactly the same thing, rarely leaving your house for anything. By Wednesday you are itching for something to do, to get you out of your house, or make you feel important.
There are two ways to respond to this. One is to make random projects for yourself. Get out that to do list and start cleaning, laundry, bill paying, bike riding, and all of a sudden you realize that your free time is no longer free, you are doing stuff with it. What happened to relaxing? Now you are just stressed out about all the stuff you need to do. Some people are able to do one important task per free day, and then enjoy the rest of it.
I am not one of those people. I respond this way: Oh, I'll do it tomorrow. I get so bored just sitting on the couch watching television, but I refuse to spend my free time doing something important. That would be a waste of free time. But then I start to feel guilty, and start thinking about all the things I should be doing instead. But I didn't make plans, and I'm not a spontaneous person, so I just sit there, wondering what to do with myself. Every once in awhile I get a random burst of energy, in which I can do something productive or fun. Sometimes I can get ahold of someone to hang out with me and keep me entertained. But more often than not I just create lists of things to do and never get them done.
Case in point, I've had this entire week off. It is now Thursday. Today I finally did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the living room, paid some bills, and got my pager set up. The rest of the week? I've sat around watching television. Occasionally go for a bike ride. Mostly napped. That is how I handle myself. Instead of doing what I should be doing, I figure it can all be done later and just take a nap. So now I'm going to start back up in rotations on Monday, and I'm sure there are millions of things I should have done by now but haven't. All because a week of free time is absolutely too much for me to handle. I need like two days. That's my max. I can be productive AND get relaxed. After that I start feeling guilty about all the stuff I shoudl be doing, but instead of doing it I just sit there feeling guilty about it. I go to bed each night thinking "Tomorrow, tomorrow is going to be the day." Then tomorrow comes and I decide I'd rather lay in bed until noon, then watch a movie, take a nap, and convince myself I have plenty of time to get all my work done the next day. In the mean time, i try to figure out how to entertain myself. Because I get bored fairly easily. But instead of doing all the things I should be doing, I play solitaire in front of the tv, thinking if I do two things at once I'm multitasking and not being so lazy, right? Upstairs the bills are still unpaid, the laundry is still dirty, the bathroom has not decided it wants to clean itself. And for some reason putting the dishes in the dishwasher seems like too much work for me. At some point I'm oging to have to get all this work done, but I'm not sure when. Tomorrow I guess.
What is worse than large amounts of free time is unplanned free time. You would think that unplanned free time would be a blessing. Like yeah! Where did this hour come from? I can use it to relax! Not the case. Unplanned free time causes stress. Becaue it is never enough time to get anything done. It's always like an hour, and then I have to be in class again, or at the next meeting, or whatever. 45 minutes? What the heck do I do with that? I could take a nap, but I'd need to find a safe nap place. I can't go home and get things done because I live at least fifteen minutes away from everything. I can't study, because by the time I pull out all my books, set them up, find my favorite high lighter, and get down to reading, it's time to pack them all back up again. Unscheduled free time is a medical student's worst nightmare. Mostly because there is always something you COULD be doing, but it just isn't enough time. Or I just can't get there and back to what I need to be doing. And it never comes in at a handy time. It's never like I got off an hour early from school and don't have anywhere else to be. It's more like, class ended twenty minutes early and I have a meeting in an hour. Awesome. Or like at one of the hospitals I rotated through, where we had morning report from 1030 til 1130, then noon conference at noon. What am I supposed to do with that half hour? It's just enough time to start something thatI can't possibly finish. It's a disaster.
So, while you will constantly hear me moaning about how I don't have enough free time, the second I get some, I garauntee I'm going to waste it in some way shape or form, even if it is just by resenting at what time it came to me. But that won't stop me from convincing myself that if I only had a little bit of free time I'd be a better person. It's a vicious cycle that cannot be broken.
No comments:
Post a Comment