I'm actually feeling a little bit good about life, so thought I'd take some time to not be such a debbie downer about school. Don't get me wrong, it still sucks, but as I get ready to take the boards again tomorrow, I'm feeling a sense of peace. Sure, it is terrifying, and yes it set me back, but when was the last time something gone the way I wanted it to? If I had had my way I would have gotten into medical school the first time I applied, and I'd have just graduated. Instead it took me two long years of trying, and in that time I went to Jordan, I learned to salsa dance, I made new friends, I realized I was not cut out for teaching, and I grew to be a stronger person.
When I lived in Jordan I adopted a new life motto: as long as it makes a good story, it doesn't matter what I go through. I realized this on a trip to Egypt where everything seemed to go wrong. And though I was in tears for part of it, I LOVED that trip. Nothing went the way it was supposed to, but we had the craziest adventure, and I got to tell people about it and they laugh so hard when they hear about it. And I've really tried to live by that motto. Bad days teaching were fine because I just thought about who I would tell what had happened and how they would react.
I've managed to hold onto that for most of medical school, but in the last month I've definitely lost sight of that life motto, and so now I'm trying to get it back. Sure, I've been trying to look on the bright side: I get to ride my bike a lot, I'm not in surgery right now, I've gotten more sleep, I can go salsa dancing in the evenings if I want to. But in reality, I've spent more time thinking about how all of this is going to set me back, and how hard it is going to be to get back on track. And for good reason, this has been a horrible experience, one that I really can't make out to be a funny story.
But it is one that I can turn into a story that I tell people. Hopefully my story will have a happy ending. It's not going to have the ending I was expecting. Because of this set back, and because of the fact that I'm not kicking ass and taking names on any tests or blocks, and I'm going to graduate as a mediocre student to the last, I might not get what I want. But I am going to be a doctor, and isn't that all that matters? Instead of worrying about the future, shouldn't I be enjoying the journey I'm on? And I will have a story to tell, one that people will be interested in, because I didn't get to go the easy road. I had to go this criss cross crazy path, and yeah I'm not a great test taker and none of my grades show that I'm I'm an accomplished person.
When it comes time to find a residency, I really believe I'm going to have to fight to get one, and that I might not get the residency I want. But damn it, I made Nebraska a fun place to live, I can do that anywhere. And what I'll get out of the experience may be much more valuable to me than it would have been in the residency of my dreams. My uncle, who is a kick ass surgeon, is only a kick ass surgeon because he didn't get the residency he wanted, he ended up somewhere no one wants to go, but he got more experience actually performing surgeries than he would have if he'd been here, and because of that he was highly sought after when he graduated from his fellowship.
It's time to remember that that which does not kill you only makes you stronger. And it is true. My collegues will all be fantastic doctors, but I am going to have a strength that few of them do. I'm going to have an appreciation for what I have because I've had to work twice as hard for it, and I've proven again and again and again that I can pick myself back up and be a stronger person for that. And that is an advantage that is finally going to get me where I need to go. I'm not sure why I had to take this path, but there is a purpose to it. And while right now I'd've really liked things to have been easier and more direct, there is a reason it wasn't.
Maybe it was only so that I could help others who struggle as well. Or maybe it is because I'm meant to be in some horrid small town hospital for my residency. Maybe I'll gain experience no one else is able to get. Maybe I'll have opportunities no one else will get.
Maybe I should stop planning what my life is going to be like and just get back to living it. Because obviously things don't work according to my plan. so instead of worrying about how all the pieces are going to fall into place, maybe I should just let them fall as they may. I seem to have no control over what happens, but I have control over how I respond to it. Maybe my resume isn't going to look awesome. Maybe I didn't honor my rotation like I thought I was going to. Maybe I'm just average when it comes to grades and evalutations. But none of that matters. What matters is that I'm strong enough to take whatever comes my way. What matters is that patients love me, and trust me, and team mates rely on me and find me competent. I can do my job, even if I can't seem to prove it to those who control my grades.
All I can do is keep telling myself that I'm going to be okay. And only lilsten to the positive. Sure, I didn't high pass the rotation when I was sure I was going to. I'm still not sure why, but I didn't. But I did have numerous people tell me I worked at an intern level, and that I was going to be a great doctor. I had patients open up to me. I was able to draw conclusions and put things together and work hard, and I made a good impression. Sadly I only make a good impression face to face, but if I just keep working hard I'm going to get where I need to be.
It's hard to hold yourself up when the world is trying to pull you down. I've had my share of bad times, but they are all part of my journey, of who I'm going to become. And yes it sucks, and if I had control over things this isn't the way I'd want them to turn out. But I don't have control, so I'd better just hold on.
Tomorrow I step back into the ring and hope to God I don't get the crap kicked out of me again. I have to stay positive and sure of myself. And God willing I'm not only going to pass this time but kick ass. And instead of feeling like people are demeaning me when they say how proud they are of how hard I've worked, I should take the complement, and realize that I have worked hard, and although I'm tired of proving myself, I'm going to. And everything is going to work out.
So have faith friends, it is all going to be okay. I can't promise that, but I have to hope for it. We are all on our own journeys, sometimes the journey leads us into a dark place, most of the time we can't help compare ourselves to others, but all that matters in the end is that you've lived your life and done what you need to do. Hold your head up high and just push on t hrough. It's what we do.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Did I really used to enjoy studying?
I specifically remember telling people that I enjoy studying when I was trying to get into medical school. "Oh yeah" I would say "it'll be hard, but I actually kind of like to study." Oh I rue the day I said those words. Because come to it, I don't like to study anymore. And really, I can't remember enjoying studying before.
Maybe I just enjoyed it because I was good at it. Or not necessarily good at it, but I would do it and then I would get good grades. Kind of like how I love math when I get the answer correct, but if I can't do it correctly I get really mad. Maybe medical school has just sucked my soul right out. Because I definitely do not enjoy studying any longer. I would rather do just about anything than sit down with a text book. I would rather stare up at the ceiling while lying on my couch. That is more entertaining to me than studying is.
What happened? Was I just a big fat liar all those times I said I enjoy studying? Because I kind of remember it partially somehow being true. I liked libraries, where I could sit quietly with a pile of books, or coffee shops where I could pretend to look busy. I must have at one point enjoyed learning at least right? I wouldn't have come this far if I didn't have some kind of sick pleasure from all of this...
I have noticed, however, that not only do I no longer enjoy studying, I don't even enjoy learning all that much. I used to be full of curiosity, wondering how things worked. If I didn't know, I'd ask, or I'd look it up. Now, if I don't understand it, the most I'm likely to do is check and see if wikipedia has the answer. Or if the girl sitting next to me in class has it. I don't want to ask questions anymore. I generally don't care how something I don't understand works.
I think it is from information overload. That and my happiness and lifeforce are being sucked away by medical school. But hopefully mostly the information overload. It comes to the point where I know that if I have a question about something and look it up, all it is really going to lead to is another question, and I'll have to look that up, and so forth and so on, because there is always something more to learn. And I just can't take that on. Unfortunately, the baseline I set myself at is fairly low, so there is quite a bit that I don't know and am not willing to learn.
Luckily, third year changes that a bit, or at least I felt like it did. I still don't enjoy studying. But now at least when I study something its because I am seeing it. Wegener's granulomatous disease comes to live when I actually meet someone who has it. Sarcoidosis is no longer a figment of some test maker's imagination. And all the path and phys and pharm start to slowly click into place. I can't wait to get back to that. But it still wasn't all there, and I found myself still not wanting to ask too many questions, because after awhile I just stop listening to the answer. I can only hold so much in my poor little brain at a time.
And I still don't enjoy studying. Studying is now equated with nap time, because I'm more likely to be asleep on my books than actually reading them. Unfortunately gaining information through osmosis does not actually work, try as hard as I may. And I've got to be really interested in something to spend time lookingstuff up about it.
So, whether or not I used to like studying, I sure as hell don't now, and kind of wish I had known this before making this leap into medical school. Because it sure is a lot of time spent doing things I don't like, mainly studying. But every hopeful medical student to be I meet, or that you will meet, or that you once were, will say to you "I actually kinda like studying..." Yep, you keep telling yourself that.
Maybe I just enjoyed it because I was good at it. Or not necessarily good at it, but I would do it and then I would get good grades. Kind of like how I love math when I get the answer correct, but if I can't do it correctly I get really mad. Maybe medical school has just sucked my soul right out. Because I definitely do not enjoy studying any longer. I would rather do just about anything than sit down with a text book. I would rather stare up at the ceiling while lying on my couch. That is more entertaining to me than studying is.
What happened? Was I just a big fat liar all those times I said I enjoy studying? Because I kind of remember it partially somehow being true. I liked libraries, where I could sit quietly with a pile of books, or coffee shops where I could pretend to look busy. I must have at one point enjoyed learning at least right? I wouldn't have come this far if I didn't have some kind of sick pleasure from all of this...
I have noticed, however, that not only do I no longer enjoy studying, I don't even enjoy learning all that much. I used to be full of curiosity, wondering how things worked. If I didn't know, I'd ask, or I'd look it up. Now, if I don't understand it, the most I'm likely to do is check and see if wikipedia has the answer. Or if the girl sitting next to me in class has it. I don't want to ask questions anymore. I generally don't care how something I don't understand works.
I think it is from information overload. That and my happiness and lifeforce are being sucked away by medical school. But hopefully mostly the information overload. It comes to the point where I know that if I have a question about something and look it up, all it is really going to lead to is another question, and I'll have to look that up, and so forth and so on, because there is always something more to learn. And I just can't take that on. Unfortunately, the baseline I set myself at is fairly low, so there is quite a bit that I don't know and am not willing to learn.
Luckily, third year changes that a bit, or at least I felt like it did. I still don't enjoy studying. But now at least when I study something its because I am seeing it. Wegener's granulomatous disease comes to live when I actually meet someone who has it. Sarcoidosis is no longer a figment of some test maker's imagination. And all the path and phys and pharm start to slowly click into place. I can't wait to get back to that. But it still wasn't all there, and I found myself still not wanting to ask too many questions, because after awhile I just stop listening to the answer. I can only hold so much in my poor little brain at a time.
And I still don't enjoy studying. Studying is now equated with nap time, because I'm more likely to be asleep on my books than actually reading them. Unfortunately gaining information through osmosis does not actually work, try as hard as I may. And I've got to be really interested in something to spend time lookingstuff up about it.
So, whether or not I used to like studying, I sure as hell don't now, and kind of wish I had known this before making this leap into medical school. Because it sure is a lot of time spent doing things I don't like, mainly studying. But every hopeful medical student to be I meet, or that you will meet, or that you once were, will say to you "I actually kinda like studying..." Yep, you keep telling yourself that.
Friday, July 23, 2010
I know I can do it, I just don't want to anymore
Oh the life of an underdog. It always seems so glamourous in the movies. Guy works hard, gets pushed down, gets back up, succeeds, wins glory and fame. Things finally start working out for him, and after a long hard road he makes it and then it is happily ever after.
Not so much, I've learned. I never would have considered myself an underdog before trying to get into medical school. I worked hard and I got what I wanted because of it. The amount of effort I put into something was equal to the amount of gain I got from it. I didn't struggle, I didn't get pushed down, things just worked. Probably the first time I realized that this wasn't going to be the case forever was when I took the MCAT. That was a bitch of a test, and I tried to study, and I thought I was doing what I needed to do, and yet it didn't work out for me.
So, I perservered and took it two more times and finally did well enough to get into medical school, after three years of trying. And I thought, okay, I did it. Look what I accomplished. Against the odds I got into medical school. Now it's time for my happy ending. I still didn't really consider myself an underdog. I mean, eventually I was going to get in, it just took some more workthan I thought. I came from a privelidged background for the most part. I didn't have to struggle against all odds to make it through the world. I pretty much was doing what was expected. I went to high school, went to college, graduated, and went to medical school. Sure, it took me awhile to get in, and a lot of hard work and disappointment, but I figured that was just what I needed to make me strong enough to get through.
I didn't realize how strong I was going to need to be, or that once an underdog, always an underdog. Because it did slowly start to seem like all the odds were stacked against me, in some strange way. I never struggled to learn before, now all of a sudden I struggle every day to learn. I used to just get things. Now it seems like no matter how hard I try I can't figure anything out. I became an underdog. No one doubted my abilities at first, but now they all probably do. I was never considered an "at risk" student, but I sure as hell became one somewhere along the way.
But, what I'd learned from not getting into medical school (bitter disappointment), has in fact helped me through medical school. The difference is, I worked hard and then got into medical school. I now put in a lot of hard work and get crap back from it. And I feel like I have to constantly keep proving myself, and it gets tiring. Yes, I know I can pull myself up off the ground when knocked down, brush it off, and start again. So why do I have to keep showing that? Why do I constantly have to prove myself while others just manage to get by. I'm not saying they don't work hard, they do, but they get what they put in. Whereas I feel like I put all my energy into just getting by, because every time I get my feet back under me someone knocks them back out.
So yes, I can do it. I can re-take and pass the boards. I can work harder to have things on my resume that will offset my bad grades. But I don't want to. I want to get things right the first time. I want to work hard and get what I deserve out of it. I don't want to have to convince people that I'm going to be an awesome doctor, I want my grades to show that. I want my happy ending damn it!
and I know that I'm not quite at the end yet, and so maybe I just have to realize life isn't a movie. Or that I'm still the underdog, and I haven't reached the part where things just start to go well. Or maybe I should just resign myself to the fact that things are going to be harder for me than others, and I'd better get used to it. That is a depressing thought, but the one I'm going with the most so far it seems.
I know that my journey is different from everyone else's, and that there is a purpose behind all of this. And one day I am going to be a damned good doctor, no matter what path I have to take to get there. I just sometimes wish I wasn't paving my own path, but walking on a nice paved road that would get me where I want to be. I need a life GPS it seems, and I want to stop taking so many detours. But, as they say, it's not the destination, it's the journey. So I'd better get back to mine, even if I hate it right now.
Not so much, I've learned. I never would have considered myself an underdog before trying to get into medical school. I worked hard and I got what I wanted because of it. The amount of effort I put into something was equal to the amount of gain I got from it. I didn't struggle, I didn't get pushed down, things just worked. Probably the first time I realized that this wasn't going to be the case forever was when I took the MCAT. That was a bitch of a test, and I tried to study, and I thought I was doing what I needed to do, and yet it didn't work out for me.
So, I perservered and took it two more times and finally did well enough to get into medical school, after three years of trying. And I thought, okay, I did it. Look what I accomplished. Against the odds I got into medical school. Now it's time for my happy ending. I still didn't really consider myself an underdog. I mean, eventually I was going to get in, it just took some more workthan I thought. I came from a privelidged background for the most part. I didn't have to struggle against all odds to make it through the world. I pretty much was doing what was expected. I went to high school, went to college, graduated, and went to medical school. Sure, it took me awhile to get in, and a lot of hard work and disappointment, but I figured that was just what I needed to make me strong enough to get through.
I didn't realize how strong I was going to need to be, or that once an underdog, always an underdog. Because it did slowly start to seem like all the odds were stacked against me, in some strange way. I never struggled to learn before, now all of a sudden I struggle every day to learn. I used to just get things. Now it seems like no matter how hard I try I can't figure anything out. I became an underdog. No one doubted my abilities at first, but now they all probably do. I was never considered an "at risk" student, but I sure as hell became one somewhere along the way.
But, what I'd learned from not getting into medical school (bitter disappointment), has in fact helped me through medical school. The difference is, I worked hard and then got into medical school. I now put in a lot of hard work and get crap back from it. And I feel like I have to constantly keep proving myself, and it gets tiring. Yes, I know I can pull myself up off the ground when knocked down, brush it off, and start again. So why do I have to keep showing that? Why do I constantly have to prove myself while others just manage to get by. I'm not saying they don't work hard, they do, but they get what they put in. Whereas I feel like I put all my energy into just getting by, because every time I get my feet back under me someone knocks them back out.
So yes, I can do it. I can re-take and pass the boards. I can work harder to have things on my resume that will offset my bad grades. But I don't want to. I want to get things right the first time. I want to work hard and get what I deserve out of it. I don't want to have to convince people that I'm going to be an awesome doctor, I want my grades to show that. I want my happy ending damn it!
and I know that I'm not quite at the end yet, and so maybe I just have to realize life isn't a movie. Or that I'm still the underdog, and I haven't reached the part where things just start to go well. Or maybe I should just resign myself to the fact that things are going to be harder for me than others, and I'd better get used to it. That is a depressing thought, but the one I'm going with the most so far it seems.
I know that my journey is different from everyone else's, and that there is a purpose behind all of this. And one day I am going to be a damned good doctor, no matter what path I have to take to get there. I just sometimes wish I wasn't paving my own path, but walking on a nice paved road that would get me where I want to be. I need a life GPS it seems, and I want to stop taking so many detours. But, as they say, it's not the destination, it's the journey. So I'd better get back to mine, even if I hate it right now.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
It is in fact okay to cry over failing a test
I have been through a lot in medical school, a lot of disappointments that continuously break my spirit and pull me down. And I need someone to tell me that it is okay to be upset, which is something no one says to medical students it seems. But it is something we all need to hear.
Instead we hear things like "pull yourself together." Or "crying doesn't solve anything." Or "you have to be strong, brush this off, and try again." That is all true. We do have to pull ourselves together, brush it off and try agian. But who determines what strength is? I can still be a strong person, as I've shown a million times, and yet sometimes find the need to cry in the bathroom for half an hour. Can't I? why isn't that okay too?
In everything there is a grieving process, and the same is true in medical school. Bad things happen to us, and while they may not seem like that big of a deal, they can totally bring us down, and they are a big deal to us. So sure, if I fail a test I have to get my shit together and pass the next one, and work harder to do so, and I've done that a million times it seems. But why doesn't anyone ever tell me that it is okay to just sit and cry over something? Sure, I have to pull myself together, but I'm allowed to fall apart before that happens. I'm allowed to grieve, and bemoan my fate, and hate everything. As long as I eventually get up and pull myself back together.
Sometimes it feels like we aren't allowed a grieving period. Mostly because there just isn't enough time. We don't have enough time to be upset about one test before we have to start studying for the next test. And sometimes the disappointments just keep coming, to the point where we start to feel like every time things begin to go right something will go wrong. I am chicken little, waiting for the sky to fall. Because that is the experience I've had. Do well on one test, fail the next, pull my self back together. It's exhausting. It leads to constant self doubt which just makes me more likely to fail.
I constantly feel, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one, that I'm being pushed down into the mud, and every time I manage to get myself back up, I'm pushed back down again, and someone is just standing over me yelling to get up, brush it off, try again. And I'm good at getting up, I firmly believe you have to get up, and brush it off, and try again. But sometimes what I really need is someone to sit down in the mud with me, and hold me while I rest and cry for a little bit. I'm going to get back up, I'm probably going to get knocked back down, but can't I have just a second? Just a little while to lay crying in the mud and bemoan my fate and be pissed at the world and lack some self confidence and feel like a victim and wonder why this is happening to me? That's what I really need.
So since I need it, I'm going to assume everyone else needs it too. So I'm going to tell you, that if you get knocked down, it's okay to stay down for a bit. Take a rest. Weep, grieve, destroy things, be pissed. IT is okay to have emotions. It sucks, I know. Whatever you are going through sucks and there is no one or nothing that can make you feel better about it. Take that minute, cry your eyes out, bemoan your fate, hate everyone and everything. Emotions and feelings are good things, and we need them to survive. If I could I'd give you a big hug while you cried. And I'd just let you cry, let you be upset, let you vent without trying to tell you it's all going to be fine, because right now it doesn't feel like it is going to be fine. I'm not going to tell you people have it worse because you already know that, and don't care about them right now. I'm not going to tell you to try harder because you are trying your hardest. I'm going to let you feel, for once, whatever it is you want to feel, without passing judgement on you, without telling you to brush it off and try again. Because I have been there, I have had days when I can't even drag myself out of bed, because nothing seems worth it. And the harder I try the more disappointed I get. And it is hard.
All of us are strong people. That is how we got into medical school. That is how we are going to survive medical school. Just like you wouldn't tell a grieving mother to just get over the loss of her son, but would try and help her work through it, you too need to work through your disappointments. You need that time to be upset. And once you're done feeling all those things, that is when you can pick yourself back up out of the mud, stare your torturer in the face, and, with your shoulders back and head held high yell "thank you sir may I have another."
Instead we hear things like "pull yourself together." Or "crying doesn't solve anything." Or "you have to be strong, brush this off, and try again." That is all true. We do have to pull ourselves together, brush it off and try agian. But who determines what strength is? I can still be a strong person, as I've shown a million times, and yet sometimes find the need to cry in the bathroom for half an hour. Can't I? why isn't that okay too?
In everything there is a grieving process, and the same is true in medical school. Bad things happen to us, and while they may not seem like that big of a deal, they can totally bring us down, and they are a big deal to us. So sure, if I fail a test I have to get my shit together and pass the next one, and work harder to do so, and I've done that a million times it seems. But why doesn't anyone ever tell me that it is okay to just sit and cry over something? Sure, I have to pull myself together, but I'm allowed to fall apart before that happens. I'm allowed to grieve, and bemoan my fate, and hate everything. As long as I eventually get up and pull myself back together.
Sometimes it feels like we aren't allowed a grieving period. Mostly because there just isn't enough time. We don't have enough time to be upset about one test before we have to start studying for the next test. And sometimes the disappointments just keep coming, to the point where we start to feel like every time things begin to go right something will go wrong. I am chicken little, waiting for the sky to fall. Because that is the experience I've had. Do well on one test, fail the next, pull my self back together. It's exhausting. It leads to constant self doubt which just makes me more likely to fail.
I constantly feel, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one, that I'm being pushed down into the mud, and every time I manage to get myself back up, I'm pushed back down again, and someone is just standing over me yelling to get up, brush it off, try again. And I'm good at getting up, I firmly believe you have to get up, and brush it off, and try again. But sometimes what I really need is someone to sit down in the mud with me, and hold me while I rest and cry for a little bit. I'm going to get back up, I'm probably going to get knocked back down, but can't I have just a second? Just a little while to lay crying in the mud and bemoan my fate and be pissed at the world and lack some self confidence and feel like a victim and wonder why this is happening to me? That's what I really need.
So since I need it, I'm going to assume everyone else needs it too. So I'm going to tell you, that if you get knocked down, it's okay to stay down for a bit. Take a rest. Weep, grieve, destroy things, be pissed. IT is okay to have emotions. It sucks, I know. Whatever you are going through sucks and there is no one or nothing that can make you feel better about it. Take that minute, cry your eyes out, bemoan your fate, hate everyone and everything. Emotions and feelings are good things, and we need them to survive. If I could I'd give you a big hug while you cried. And I'd just let you cry, let you be upset, let you vent without trying to tell you it's all going to be fine, because right now it doesn't feel like it is going to be fine. I'm not going to tell you people have it worse because you already know that, and don't care about them right now. I'm not going to tell you to try harder because you are trying your hardest. I'm going to let you feel, for once, whatever it is you want to feel, without passing judgement on you, without telling you to brush it off and try again. Because I have been there, I have had days when I can't even drag myself out of bed, because nothing seems worth it. And the harder I try the more disappointed I get. And it is hard.
All of us are strong people. That is how we got into medical school. That is how we are going to survive medical school. Just like you wouldn't tell a grieving mother to just get over the loss of her son, but would try and help her work through it, you too need to work through your disappointments. You need that time to be upset. And once you're done feeling all those things, that is when you can pick yourself back up out of the mud, stare your torturer in the face, and, with your shoulders back and head held high yell "thank you sir may I have another."
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
My textbook became a coloring book
As I'm reading through my friend's "First Aid for the Boards" and seeing all her crazy color coding, I am brought back to anatomy, when I realized that I really was in kindergarten coloring class. I bought a pack of colored pencils, and I would literally sit drawing all day calling it "studying." You know that picture of the kid who is coloring and looks like he's screaming and at the top they put "I fucking love coloring!!!"? that is totally me. And I would think that in my head every time I pulled out my colored pencils to draw whatever the professor had put on the board. Then it got time to study in the library so I'd rent some expo markers and make my color coded maps all over the white boards in there. All my notes had to be color coded. That continued on through the rest of medical school, even when I didn't have to draw things quite so much. I gained comfort from color coding my notes.
The problem is, eventually I got too many colors, and I didn't know what they coded anymore. So looking back on my old notes, with fifteen different highlighted sections, all of different colors, all supposed to mean something, just gets confusing. I remember sitting with four different highlighters, I knew what yellow meant. Occasionally pink was for drugs. Or diseases, depending on what I was reading. Blue was for something I wanted to stick out. So like a word, and then I'd highlight the definition in yellow. Sometimes something would be important but didn't belong in the blue category, it was too important for that. So I'd bust out the orange. And pretty soon I was just highlighting things for the hell of it.
My first aid for the boards literally is a coloring book. I don't know what the colors mean, each day I'd just grab a different pen and get to work. I always intended for it to have some purpose. Purple underlining was supposed to represent something distinct from yellow highlighting. But underlining never really works for me. So then I'd start boxing words. And each section I'd use a different set of colors. And sometimes there were pictures that I seriously would sit and color in. Every artery a different color. Those were my favorite days. Now I look back on my notes and think to myself "I have no clue what that means, but it sure is pretty."
And as I'm sitting here studying from someone else's book, I have the overwhelming desire to bust out my colored pens and finish coloring in the pictures she left blank. Not because I actually think it will help me to have everything color coded, but mostly I just fucking love to color.
Another friend of mine loaned me a book and told me what all the colors stood for. Blue was for something, purple for drugs, green for diseases, pink for co-relates. I was amazed. "You actually know what your colors stand for?" I asked. She seemed surprised that I didn't. I mean, I have a general idea of why I decided something needed to be in orange instead of blue or green, but I can't really put into words what that reason is. Pink=drugs, that I know for sure. But the rest of the colors, man they are a mystery to me. But my book sure is pretty.
This time around studying I'm not highlighting anything, or writing things in the book in different colors, because I don't have time. I just sit down, read, and write things on a notepad with a red pen, not even to look over again, just hoping hte act of writing will get some of this stuff in my head. But man, it is hard work to control myself this way. To not try and figure out a system of organization that is going to take me longer than actually studying does. To only use one pen every day, and it represents everything. To not highlight every word in the book. I'm surprised I can do it. But it really is good for me, because I did spend more time coloring and organizing than actually studying. And the worst part was, my system changed pretty much daily. So now the organization makes no sense. If anyone else saw it they would be totally flabbergasted as to what all the colors were. It made perfect sense to me as I was coloring, but now, I have no clue.
So here I sit, trying to decifer my friend's colors. If I don't think about it too hard, it all makes sense. Yes of course that would be green instead of yellow. But if I really try to figure out why she decided something should be green instead of yellow, I will go completely crazy. And I wonder if it makes sense to her, or if she just fucking loves to color as well.
My life has really become kindergarten art class all over again. except I can no longer stay in the lines. Coloring things in is still the best part of my day. And even if my books/notes make no sense, they sure are damned pretty...
The problem is, eventually I got too many colors, and I didn't know what they coded anymore. So looking back on my old notes, with fifteen different highlighted sections, all of different colors, all supposed to mean something, just gets confusing. I remember sitting with four different highlighters, I knew what yellow meant. Occasionally pink was for drugs. Or diseases, depending on what I was reading. Blue was for something I wanted to stick out. So like a word, and then I'd highlight the definition in yellow. Sometimes something would be important but didn't belong in the blue category, it was too important for that. So I'd bust out the orange. And pretty soon I was just highlighting things for the hell of it.
My first aid for the boards literally is a coloring book. I don't know what the colors mean, each day I'd just grab a different pen and get to work. I always intended for it to have some purpose. Purple underlining was supposed to represent something distinct from yellow highlighting. But underlining never really works for me. So then I'd start boxing words. And each section I'd use a different set of colors. And sometimes there were pictures that I seriously would sit and color in. Every artery a different color. Those were my favorite days. Now I look back on my notes and think to myself "I have no clue what that means, but it sure is pretty."
And as I'm sitting here studying from someone else's book, I have the overwhelming desire to bust out my colored pens and finish coloring in the pictures she left blank. Not because I actually think it will help me to have everything color coded, but mostly I just fucking love to color.
Another friend of mine loaned me a book and told me what all the colors stood for. Blue was for something, purple for drugs, green for diseases, pink for co-relates. I was amazed. "You actually know what your colors stand for?" I asked. She seemed surprised that I didn't. I mean, I have a general idea of why I decided something needed to be in orange instead of blue or green, but I can't really put into words what that reason is. Pink=drugs, that I know for sure. But the rest of the colors, man they are a mystery to me. But my book sure is pretty.
This time around studying I'm not highlighting anything, or writing things in the book in different colors, because I don't have time. I just sit down, read, and write things on a notepad with a red pen, not even to look over again, just hoping hte act of writing will get some of this stuff in my head. But man, it is hard work to control myself this way. To not try and figure out a system of organization that is going to take me longer than actually studying does. To only use one pen every day, and it represents everything. To not highlight every word in the book. I'm surprised I can do it. But it really is good for me, because I did spend more time coloring and organizing than actually studying. And the worst part was, my system changed pretty much daily. So now the organization makes no sense. If anyone else saw it they would be totally flabbergasted as to what all the colors were. It made perfect sense to me as I was coloring, but now, I have no clue.
So here I sit, trying to decifer my friend's colors. If I don't think about it too hard, it all makes sense. Yes of course that would be green instead of yellow. But if I really try to figure out why she decided something should be green instead of yellow, I will go completely crazy. And I wonder if it makes sense to her, or if she just fucking loves to color as well.
My life has really become kindergarten art class all over again. except I can no longer stay in the lines. Coloring things in is still the best part of my day. And even if my books/notes make no sense, they sure are damned pretty...
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
All the reasons we say we're okay
I've been wondering about this a lot lately. Why is it, that when people ask me how I'm doing in school I say that I'm fine, or that it's going okay. Well, I personally got tired of lying to people so now when people ask me how school is I usually say "it's still there." Or "same as every day."
But even other medical students will say to me that they are fine. Or when I'm complaining about hating school and ask how they are doing they say "oh you know, it's hard, but I'm okay..." And I'm never quite sure why we can't just open up and say how we really feel. Maybe it's that only I hate medical school and everyone else really is fine. I find that hard to believe. Maybe I just don't want to believe that. Or maybe that is what they have to tell themselves to get through each day. Or maybe they really do think that this is okay. Some of us have reached the deep dark place and we are willing to admit it, but maybe not everyone else has. Good for them. I hope they can stay out of the deep dark place because it is a horrible place to be.
I've become more of a hermit these days, as I get closer to my test date and trying to make sure there is no drama in my life. But I have managed to have a few conversations with students that have given me a bit of an insight to why we are so opposed to telling people, even each other, how much we are struggling/suffering. I'm sure it isn't an all inclusive list or anything, I'm sure there are plenty of reasons, but these are the ones that seem to be the most prominent I would say.
The first one is that, as I said before, some people really are okay. They study and they may wish they had more of a social life or they may feel like it is too hard some days, but for the most part they really are just fine. They study, and when they study they get good results. They know medical school is hard but they are up to the challenge, and while things may not be perfect, they are good enough for them.
Some people have managed to coem up with a really great balance in their lives. They can still have a life and study just enough to do as well as they want to, and don't let medical school pull them down any farther than they allow it to, because they realize that they can still be a great doctor without being the perfect student.
I generally think those are the exceptions to the rule. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm the exception and they are the rule. But deep down I feel like most people struggle and hate school and aren't willing to talk about it, for the following reasons.
I think there is a lot of shame and guilt about not being perfect. We've all worked so hard to be the best, and some of us have worked so hard just to get into medical school, and we are on a path that is going to lead us to a really great life, and we should be grateful for all of this, and we feel bad that now that we are finally here we are hating it. This wasn't what I expected. I knew medical school was going to be hard, but I thought I was going to be fine. I thought I was going to love it. And now I don't, and I don't know how to tell people that, because for years all I talked about was getting into medical school and how my whole life would be better once I finally did. How wrong I was. So I tell friends and family that I'm fine, because I don't want them to know how much I scorn and look down and hate this wonderful gift I've been given.
Shame seems to be the overriding theme, and I think another reason is that we feel shame that we are no longer the best. All my friends and family thought I was the smartest person ever, and now I no longer am. I'm in a class full of the smartest people ever, and compared to them I am just average. But I'm so used to being that smart person that I don't want anyone to know that I'm not anymore. I don't want to disappoint people by letting them know that in fact I'm not smart at all, I have no clue what I'm doing, I'm barely holding on, and one day I might be their doctor.
With that also comes the competition. Just the sheer fact that I've been competing against the other smart people in my class for years, and have always been able to best most of them, and now I can't. And I look around and it seems like no one else is struggling, because either they aren't or they aren't telling me about it, and I feel like I'd be showing some signs of weakness if I let them know that I wasn't doing well or was having trouble. I feel like they would pounce on me, and prey on me when they found that out. Or look down on me and pity me, and always think I'm not as good as them. And if someone else, or everyone else, is telling me that they are okay, I start to think I'm the only one who is not okay, so I keep silent because I don't feel comfortable talking about not being okay around a group of people who are so okay.
When I do finally open up to people, I get a couple of responses. The one I like the best is when they finally feel like they can open up to me and tell me that I'm not alone in all of this and that I'm not a bad person because I feel this way. The response I hate the most is when another student tries to convince me that everything is actually okay. Yeah, they have trouble with medical school as well, but at the end of it they are happy they are here and want to keep going, and overall everything really is okay. I'm happy for them, I'm glad they can find some silver lining in all of this. But it makes me feel like less of a person because I cannot, and all I can do is wish for it to be over. And it makes it worse when I realize that in opening up to people I'm not helping them open up more, I am just making them worry about me. Everyone seems to have this crazy idea that I'm the happiest person in the world and that I love everything, and when I tell them that I have dark days, they start to worry, and I feel guilty making them worry, so I go back to pretending everything is okay so that I don't have to think that people are worried about me. I don't want them to fret even though that is exactly what I need. So I go on pretending to be great, and some people notice that things aren't really going that great, but they may not point it out. Or they'll tell me they want me to open up to them, but then it somehow just makes it worse when I do.
My friend wanted me to mention that sometimes the reason she says everything is fine is because when talking to non-medical students, they just can't possibly understand what we are going through. Most of them went through school of some kind, but never like this, and they just cannot believe that this is our lives. It goes right back to it being true that the only person who you can talk to is another medical student, and they are the last person who is going to open up to you.
Why? Shame, guilt, competition, feeling like it is unsafe. I'm not sure. But it's even hard for me, who is so vocal and so past all the bullshit, to tell certain people that I'm struggling and I hate every second of every day that has to do with medical school. Because they're either going to make it seem like they are okay "well, yeah it's hard, but I mean..." and then some nonsense about how it really is okay, and then I'm going to feel bad about not being able to pull myself together when everyone else seems to be doing okay, or they are going to be all worried about me and I'm going to feel like they are looking down on me. And God forbid any know that I struggle. I even struggle writing these blogs, because people know who I am, and now they know how I really feel, and I feel like I've given them some kind of power over me.
How do we break this cycle? How do we make it so that either medical school is not this hellish place we have to go through, or at least we are finally able to tell everyone that it is a hellish place and commiscerate with each other about how horrible it is. How do we make it so that people feel comfortable talking to each other about this? how do we make a safe place. Because I know some people out there would totally oppose what I'm trying to do. They want to continue being fine or telling people they are fine, they don't want to tell anyone their secret stories, they don't want to admit any kind of weakness. And that makes it hard for everyone else to open up. And then we end up here, people reading my blog and saying they feel the same way, but not knowing what to do about it, and not having anyone else to talk to than me. Or still refusing to talk about it.
All I can hope is that my blog is a comfort to some people out there, and that people will soon be more willing to open up about things and say how they really feel, in the hopes that they will no longer have to feel that way. If you have any ideas or want to help in any way, please let me know, because I really am trying to figure out something we can do for medical students to make their experience less horrible.
But even other medical students will say to me that they are fine. Or when I'm complaining about hating school and ask how they are doing they say "oh you know, it's hard, but I'm okay..." And I'm never quite sure why we can't just open up and say how we really feel. Maybe it's that only I hate medical school and everyone else really is fine. I find that hard to believe. Maybe I just don't want to believe that. Or maybe that is what they have to tell themselves to get through each day. Or maybe they really do think that this is okay. Some of us have reached the deep dark place and we are willing to admit it, but maybe not everyone else has. Good for them. I hope they can stay out of the deep dark place because it is a horrible place to be.
I've become more of a hermit these days, as I get closer to my test date and trying to make sure there is no drama in my life. But I have managed to have a few conversations with students that have given me a bit of an insight to why we are so opposed to telling people, even each other, how much we are struggling/suffering. I'm sure it isn't an all inclusive list or anything, I'm sure there are plenty of reasons, but these are the ones that seem to be the most prominent I would say.
The first one is that, as I said before, some people really are okay. They study and they may wish they had more of a social life or they may feel like it is too hard some days, but for the most part they really are just fine. They study, and when they study they get good results. They know medical school is hard but they are up to the challenge, and while things may not be perfect, they are good enough for them.
Some people have managed to coem up with a really great balance in their lives. They can still have a life and study just enough to do as well as they want to, and don't let medical school pull them down any farther than they allow it to, because they realize that they can still be a great doctor without being the perfect student.
I generally think those are the exceptions to the rule. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm the exception and they are the rule. But deep down I feel like most people struggle and hate school and aren't willing to talk about it, for the following reasons.
I think there is a lot of shame and guilt about not being perfect. We've all worked so hard to be the best, and some of us have worked so hard just to get into medical school, and we are on a path that is going to lead us to a really great life, and we should be grateful for all of this, and we feel bad that now that we are finally here we are hating it. This wasn't what I expected. I knew medical school was going to be hard, but I thought I was going to be fine. I thought I was going to love it. And now I don't, and I don't know how to tell people that, because for years all I talked about was getting into medical school and how my whole life would be better once I finally did. How wrong I was. So I tell friends and family that I'm fine, because I don't want them to know how much I scorn and look down and hate this wonderful gift I've been given.
Shame seems to be the overriding theme, and I think another reason is that we feel shame that we are no longer the best. All my friends and family thought I was the smartest person ever, and now I no longer am. I'm in a class full of the smartest people ever, and compared to them I am just average. But I'm so used to being that smart person that I don't want anyone to know that I'm not anymore. I don't want to disappoint people by letting them know that in fact I'm not smart at all, I have no clue what I'm doing, I'm barely holding on, and one day I might be their doctor.
With that also comes the competition. Just the sheer fact that I've been competing against the other smart people in my class for years, and have always been able to best most of them, and now I can't. And I look around and it seems like no one else is struggling, because either they aren't or they aren't telling me about it, and I feel like I'd be showing some signs of weakness if I let them know that I wasn't doing well or was having trouble. I feel like they would pounce on me, and prey on me when they found that out. Or look down on me and pity me, and always think I'm not as good as them. And if someone else, or everyone else, is telling me that they are okay, I start to think I'm the only one who is not okay, so I keep silent because I don't feel comfortable talking about not being okay around a group of people who are so okay.
When I do finally open up to people, I get a couple of responses. The one I like the best is when they finally feel like they can open up to me and tell me that I'm not alone in all of this and that I'm not a bad person because I feel this way. The response I hate the most is when another student tries to convince me that everything is actually okay. Yeah, they have trouble with medical school as well, but at the end of it they are happy they are here and want to keep going, and overall everything really is okay. I'm happy for them, I'm glad they can find some silver lining in all of this. But it makes me feel like less of a person because I cannot, and all I can do is wish for it to be over. And it makes it worse when I realize that in opening up to people I'm not helping them open up more, I am just making them worry about me. Everyone seems to have this crazy idea that I'm the happiest person in the world and that I love everything, and when I tell them that I have dark days, they start to worry, and I feel guilty making them worry, so I go back to pretending everything is okay so that I don't have to think that people are worried about me. I don't want them to fret even though that is exactly what I need. So I go on pretending to be great, and some people notice that things aren't really going that great, but they may not point it out. Or they'll tell me they want me to open up to them, but then it somehow just makes it worse when I do.
My friend wanted me to mention that sometimes the reason she says everything is fine is because when talking to non-medical students, they just can't possibly understand what we are going through. Most of them went through school of some kind, but never like this, and they just cannot believe that this is our lives. It goes right back to it being true that the only person who you can talk to is another medical student, and they are the last person who is going to open up to you.
Why? Shame, guilt, competition, feeling like it is unsafe. I'm not sure. But it's even hard for me, who is so vocal and so past all the bullshit, to tell certain people that I'm struggling and I hate every second of every day that has to do with medical school. Because they're either going to make it seem like they are okay "well, yeah it's hard, but I mean..." and then some nonsense about how it really is okay, and then I'm going to feel bad about not being able to pull myself together when everyone else seems to be doing okay, or they are going to be all worried about me and I'm going to feel like they are looking down on me. And God forbid any know that I struggle. I even struggle writing these blogs, because people know who I am, and now they know how I really feel, and I feel like I've given them some kind of power over me.
How do we break this cycle? How do we make it so that either medical school is not this hellish place we have to go through, or at least we are finally able to tell everyone that it is a hellish place and commiscerate with each other about how horrible it is. How do we make it so that people feel comfortable talking to each other about this? how do we make a safe place. Because I know some people out there would totally oppose what I'm trying to do. They want to continue being fine or telling people they are fine, they don't want to tell anyone their secret stories, they don't want to admit any kind of weakness. And that makes it hard for everyone else to open up. And then we end up here, people reading my blog and saying they feel the same way, but not knowing what to do about it, and not having anyone else to talk to than me. Or still refusing to talk about it.
All I can hope is that my blog is a comfort to some people out there, and that people will soon be more willing to open up about things and say how they really feel, in the hopes that they will no longer have to feel that way. If you have any ideas or want to help in any way, please let me know, because I really am trying to figure out something we can do for medical students to make their experience less horrible.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Can't you see my problems are more important than yours?
There is another session I distinctly remember from orientation into medical school. In fact, I think I heard this more than once. But it was always in the context husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend, so I didn't take it that seriously. It wsa the advice from other students to remember that other people in your life also had problems and issues and they were just as important as your own. And it was kind of like "duh" when I first heard it. Even when I heard it a second time. I mean, I'm going to be a doctor, I want to help people with their problems.
But somewhere along the line, as medical was stealing my soul, it also stole my perception of things. I entered the medical school bubble, and very few things were important enough to get me out of the medical school bubble. I realized that I honestly didn't care about other people's problems. And what's more, I couldn't understand why they thought they could take up my precious time by telling me their problems when obviously I have more important problems of my own, like passing a test that has so much information on it I want to scream but all of it could save lives. And I became very self-righteous and big headed, even while my self esteem was being crushed to the ground repeatedly by medical school. Because damn it, I'm a medical student, I'm going to be a doctor,and that is important, and that makes me more important than everyone else, doesn't it? That's what the culture of medical school is instilling in me.
I would literally sit listening to my mom or sister telling me about their awful day and all I could think was "I don't care. I have to go study. My life sucks more than yours." That was pretty much my entire first year of medical school. Why are you people bothering me with your trifle issues, don't you understand I am in MEDICAL SCHOOL? I have a lot to deal with.
You know, I'm not sure when becoming a medical student filled me with this false sense of importance, but I still have trouble shaking it some times. Really, I have to go study? That's more important than my best friend telling me she had a fight with her boyfriend? Looking back on it even from just now, I am suprised and ashamed that I had to have a mantra running through my head when listening to other people "other people have problems too, they are just as important to them as your problems are to you, other people have problems too."
I'm hoping that it is a product of being a medical student, and not just that I am a selfish bitch who only cares about herself. Since it makes me feel better to think that it is a passing phase of being a medical student, instead of just thinking I'm a horrible person who couldn't care about anyone but myself, I will continue to think what I like.
It seems so ridiculous, looking at it from the "outside" as I'm doing now. My whole behavior to people the past three years (and it's a behavior that has been continuing and I'm only slightly improved about) has been horrible! and based of this silly notion that what I'm doing has so much more importance than what anyone else is doing. I think it's all part of the culture of things, and just the sheer stress of it all. You're being told from all sides that everything you are learning is so important, and you have to succeed, and you have to learn it all, and you have to be the most amazing student in the world to get a residency so that you can be a doctor and do what you really want to do. And when you get sucked into this bullshit reality, you really have trouble remembering that it isn't everyone else's reality. They have their own reality to deal with, and somehow you have to remember that their reality, their problems, are just as big as yours are. Even bigger sometimes, because when it comes down to it I'm in SCHOOL. That is my reality, it's not that important. There is more to life than just how much mine currently happens to suck. But I can tell you that even now there are certain days when someone tells me something and I really not only couldn't care less, but wonder why they have the gall to take away from my study time by telling me something in the first place.
So now my friend from outside of medical school are reading this thinking "gee thanks, we thought we could go to you with our problems." And truth be told, most of the time I am able to pull my head out of my ass and put things into perspective, and listen to your problems and your day and really I am interested (please still be my friend). I even sometimes find that other people having drama is perfect for me, because then I can live through it but don't have to have my own (I'm really not doing a good job of explaining why you should still be my friend...).
I think medical school is so competitive and so isolating that you just get sucked into yourself while you are there. And somewhere along the line you can't figure out why people think they have it harder than you do. All you can see is your own problems and your own struggles and your own life, and you have this twisted vision of everyone else's lives and how perfect they are and how trouble free they are. And you can't see through any of it. I still have this problem with my friend, now more my medical school friend than others. They'll tell me about a bad day of rotations, and all I can think is "I FUCKING FAILED THE BOARDS! Your problems cannot even come close to that." And yet they are talking about way more important things, lives saved and lives lost, hopes and dreams shattered. But I cannot get out of my own self-important bubble and let that in.
But, I will own to the fact that I am getting a bit better. Well, I was. Right now I'm in a world of hate so forgive me as I isolate myself to stop myself from being rude. But for the most part I am getting better. I can take a moment to hear what other people have going on in their lives, and remember that mine isn't quite as important as I think it is. I'm slowly starting to learn to separate my problems from other people's, and find I even enjoy people coming to me with their problems so we can talk through them. I've learned that their problems are not mine, and I don't need to take them on as mine, but I can lift the other person's burden a bit by being there for them. And that helps me remember that I got into this whole mess in the first place because I wanted to help people. So bring on your troubles friends, I am here for you.
It's all about perspective, which I think we lose sight of in medical school. It gets so twisted around, and we focus on things we think are so important and we just get so caught up in it, but if we could take a step back we'd realize what was truly going on. It doesn't always help. Honestly sometimes I cannot for the life of me figure out why someone is taking up my time by telling me something that seems very trivial. But then I remember that people sit and listen to me bitch about studying all day, and I'm pretty sure they couldn't give a crap less. So medical student friends, tone it down a little. I know your life sucks, you know your life sucks, but don't forget that other people's lives suck as well, for different reasons.
But somewhere along the line, as medical was stealing my soul, it also stole my perception of things. I entered the medical school bubble, and very few things were important enough to get me out of the medical school bubble. I realized that I honestly didn't care about other people's problems. And what's more, I couldn't understand why they thought they could take up my precious time by telling me their problems when obviously I have more important problems of my own, like passing a test that has so much information on it I want to scream but all of it could save lives. And I became very self-righteous and big headed, even while my self esteem was being crushed to the ground repeatedly by medical school. Because damn it, I'm a medical student, I'm going to be a doctor,and that is important, and that makes me more important than everyone else, doesn't it? That's what the culture of medical school is instilling in me.
I would literally sit listening to my mom or sister telling me about their awful day and all I could think was "I don't care. I have to go study. My life sucks more than yours." That was pretty much my entire first year of medical school. Why are you people bothering me with your trifle issues, don't you understand I am in MEDICAL SCHOOL? I have a lot to deal with.
You know, I'm not sure when becoming a medical student filled me with this false sense of importance, but I still have trouble shaking it some times. Really, I have to go study? That's more important than my best friend telling me she had a fight with her boyfriend? Looking back on it even from just now, I am suprised and ashamed that I had to have a mantra running through my head when listening to other people "other people have problems too, they are just as important to them as your problems are to you, other people have problems too."
I'm hoping that it is a product of being a medical student, and not just that I am a selfish bitch who only cares about herself. Since it makes me feel better to think that it is a passing phase of being a medical student, instead of just thinking I'm a horrible person who couldn't care about anyone but myself, I will continue to think what I like.
It seems so ridiculous, looking at it from the "outside" as I'm doing now. My whole behavior to people the past three years (and it's a behavior that has been continuing and I'm only slightly improved about) has been horrible! and based of this silly notion that what I'm doing has so much more importance than what anyone else is doing. I think it's all part of the culture of things, and just the sheer stress of it all. You're being told from all sides that everything you are learning is so important, and you have to succeed, and you have to learn it all, and you have to be the most amazing student in the world to get a residency so that you can be a doctor and do what you really want to do. And when you get sucked into this bullshit reality, you really have trouble remembering that it isn't everyone else's reality. They have their own reality to deal with, and somehow you have to remember that their reality, their problems, are just as big as yours are. Even bigger sometimes, because when it comes down to it I'm in SCHOOL. That is my reality, it's not that important. There is more to life than just how much mine currently happens to suck. But I can tell you that even now there are certain days when someone tells me something and I really not only couldn't care less, but wonder why they have the gall to take away from my study time by telling me something in the first place.
So now my friend from outside of medical school are reading this thinking "gee thanks, we thought we could go to you with our problems." And truth be told, most of the time I am able to pull my head out of my ass and put things into perspective, and listen to your problems and your day and really I am interested (please still be my friend). I even sometimes find that other people having drama is perfect for me, because then I can live through it but don't have to have my own (I'm really not doing a good job of explaining why you should still be my friend...).
I think medical school is so competitive and so isolating that you just get sucked into yourself while you are there. And somewhere along the line you can't figure out why people think they have it harder than you do. All you can see is your own problems and your own struggles and your own life, and you have this twisted vision of everyone else's lives and how perfect they are and how trouble free they are. And you can't see through any of it. I still have this problem with my friend, now more my medical school friend than others. They'll tell me about a bad day of rotations, and all I can think is "I FUCKING FAILED THE BOARDS! Your problems cannot even come close to that." And yet they are talking about way more important things, lives saved and lives lost, hopes and dreams shattered. But I cannot get out of my own self-important bubble and let that in.
But, I will own to the fact that I am getting a bit better. Well, I was. Right now I'm in a world of hate so forgive me as I isolate myself to stop myself from being rude. But for the most part I am getting better. I can take a moment to hear what other people have going on in their lives, and remember that mine isn't quite as important as I think it is. I'm slowly starting to learn to separate my problems from other people's, and find I even enjoy people coming to me with their problems so we can talk through them. I've learned that their problems are not mine, and I don't need to take them on as mine, but I can lift the other person's burden a bit by being there for them. And that helps me remember that I got into this whole mess in the first place because I wanted to help people. So bring on your troubles friends, I am here for you.
It's all about perspective, which I think we lose sight of in medical school. It gets so twisted around, and we focus on things we think are so important and we just get so caught up in it, but if we could take a step back we'd realize what was truly going on. It doesn't always help. Honestly sometimes I cannot for the life of me figure out why someone is taking up my time by telling me something that seems very trivial. But then I remember that people sit and listen to me bitch about studying all day, and I'm pretty sure they couldn't give a crap less. So medical student friends, tone it down a little. I know your life sucks, you know your life sucks, but don't forget that other people's lives suck as well, for different reasons.
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