Many people probably think I'm just making excuses for the way I feel about test taking these days, and no one wants to hear me talk about failing the boards one more time. But the fact of the matter is, it has permanently and horribly affected my life. I can't just get over it, like people seem to think I can. And in talking to other students who have also failed the boards, it seems to be a pretty common theme.
We have been through a traumatic event. We may not have been in 'Nam, or in Iraq. We may not have been brutality beaten or held hostage (at least, not literally). We may not have been in a natural disaster and almost lost our lives. We may not have been in a plane crash or been witness to a murder. But in our own way, we have suffered a trauma that isn't likely to leave our minds any time soon.
The boards are built up to be the end all be all of tests. Nothing in life matters quite as much as your board scores. They determine your entire future, your ability to get a good residency, fellowship, attending position. You will forever be judged on your board scores. And maybe none of htat is really true, but by the beginning of second year that is for sure what you think. You spend all of your time studying, worrying, stressing, crying, and then studying some more. the atmosphere during boards prep time is the worst time you'll ever have in your life (at least, I have to hope that is the worst experience I will ever have). And then the dreaded day comes when your scores come in, and you find out you failed.
The world really does feel like it is ending. You see all your hopes and dreams for the future fade off into the distance. All of a sudden all you can see is this failure, it defines you, it has ruined you, it means everything to you. And no one who hasn't failed the boards can truly understand what that means. They think they can, and they can be supportive of you, but when you've failed teh boards, you have lost a piece of your life. It is a dark, dark day. It shouldn't matter as much as it does, but sadly it does.
A friend of mine who also failed the boards said she went through the five stages of grief, and it is totally true. It is just like any other tragic moemnt in a person's life, except that it shouldn't matter so much. So when I tell people that I have PTSD from it, they laugh and tell me to cut it out. But they don't understand that I do wake up in the middle of the night freaking out about having failed. I do dwell on it and what it means for my future. I dread being denied residencies beause of this failure. I feel like it completely defines me. And the worst part is, it has taken all of my limited test taking confidence and killed it.
So now, when it is test time, I fall into a horrible depression. I can't get out of bed. I snap at everyone. I worry about failing. I can't focus long enough to study. I dont want to study. I'd rather stare off into space than get out my book. I start to cry, my stomach ties up in knots, and all I can think about is how I failed the boards and will never again be able to take a test. I try to tell myself that I will pass the rest of these tests, that if I study hard enough I'll be fine, that this time around I'll be prepared for whatever test is coming, but the week before the test the same thing happens: I realize I haven't spent enough time studying. I start to stress about how I shold be studying more. I try to study but become distracted by anything and everything. I feel a deep sense of dispair, and worst off, I don't care about anything. I'm so busy being stressed and anxious and depressed about the test that I have no energy left to study. So I stay in bed all day. I watch television. I stare at the ceiling. I take naps. I write blogs. I do not study. I do nto do anything productive. Because I tell myself I don't have time to go to the gym because I have to study, or I don't have time to clean or cook because I have to study, but then when I go to study, I just can't do it. And for some reason I never say I can't lie in bed all day because I have to study.
Then test time comes around and it is basically a self fulfilling prophecy. I don't do well on the tests, because I can't get myself to study. I have lucked out thus far and not failed another test, but maybe it is just a matter of time. Will I ever be able to get over this? Is it something that can even be fixed? I have to hope that eventually I will get over this and be able to study again, because the test taking is not anywhere near over. That all being said, I should probably go back to studying for my test next week...
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Another example of how I am not a good medical student
I haven't blogged in awhile because I've been so busy with third year, which for all of you struggling first and second years out there, third year is awesome. I'm finally starting to feel a purpose towards this crazy life I chose, and am reminded of why I wanted to do this in the first place. Third year has given me hope that I did not make a mistake and that I do, in fact, want to be a doctor, and that I am, in fact, fully capable of being a good physician. Not to toot my own horn or anything but I am an excellent communicator, patients and other staff love me, and I'm a hard worker, so eventually I am going to be a good doctor, as soon as I figure out all this medical stuff. And I'm starting to see that that will come in it's own time. It was great when a doctor told me that the purpose of third year is not to learn everything about medicine, but to learn how to learn and how to practice as a doctor. The learning everything comes slowly over time. That is nice to know.
So, that's the good news about third year. I've figured out a couple of secrets to help me get through the rest of the year. Unfortunately, all of these secrets make me feel like a horrible slacker, and makes me worried about my future in medicine if already I'm finding all these shortcuts for life. However, I have also decided that when I want something, I'm willing to work hard for it, and I don't see the point in busting my ass for something that isn't going to make a huge impact in my life.
For example: I have pretty much decided that I'm either going to do internal medicine or pediatrics. Unless my neurology rotation is just the greatest thing since sliced bread, I don't really think any of the other stuff holds any interest for me. That has lead to me checking out completely in my rotations, which is bad. I am currently in my OB rotation, and I've realized that OB is just not for me. So I'm not going to go into it. However, if I were a good medical student like all the others, I'd still work my ass off for an amazing grade or whatnot. I am not like the other students. I have realized that I am not going to honor or high pass this rotation, and if I just do well enough, I am going to pass. So, instead of working my ass off to just pass, I've decided to just pass. That means showing up on time, being nice to my patients, doing my work, leaving, and studying for the test. It does not involve getting to work early, trying to overly impress people, and going above and beyond. Is that bad?
I think it is a little bad, because now my attendings can tell I have no interest in OB, and they probably think I'm a horrible medical student, and that really isn't good. But on the other hand, it is helping me stay sane in this crazy world. Saving up my energy for my rotations that are going to count for my future. Right? I sure hope so. Otherwise I'm just a bad student, and does that translate into being a bad doctor? I sure hope not.
The things I've done, that I'm pretty sure no other medical student has done in the history of medical school. Okay probably not that big a deal, but still:
1) I take naps. Why not? You know the saying "eat when you have a chance to eat, sit when you have a chance to sit, pee when you have a chance to pee?" I take that a step further and nap when I get a chance to nap. There is a call room for students on this rotation, and sometimes I have absolutely nothing to do, and I can't stand the thought of studying anymore, so I take a little nap. Apparently that is horrifying to some of my classmates. I think it is just good thinking.
2) I leave when I have a chance to leave. I am not one of those "are you sure?Maybe I should stick around," types of students. If the attending says there is nothing going on and I have the option of just sitting around waiting for something to maybe happen or leaving now, I'm going to leave. And if there has been nothing going on for hours, I'm going to ask if I can leave. It's just one of those things. So yes, I've left the hospital on a weekday at noon before, because someone said I could. And at 430 I've asked if I can go home to study or whatever if I haven't done anything since noon. And I don't think that is going to affect my evaluation enough for me to really worry about it.
3) Rotations where high pass is determined by a test grade automatically means I'm just going to pass. Therefore, I am not going to put too much effort into it. I cannot do well on tests. I have anxiety, I don't study enough, I have no self esteem. It's just a thing I've gotten used to. So while I believe if I study hard I can pass the test, I know that for most of these rotations I am not going to do that well. So what does it matter if I pass with a 70.1 or a 89.9? It doesn't, especially since all they see is pass. So I'm not going to kill myself to turn in stellar work for our busy work that we are given. I'm not going to try and be the best student ever. I'm going to do what it takes to get through, learn what I can in the meantime, and try to hold on to my sanity.
4) I plan things during rotation time so I can get out of rotations. Especially in the ones I'm not passionate about. Sure, I'll come have a meeting on campus at 3pm! That works just perfectly, that gets me out of clinic for awhile. It's for school right? Oh I have a doctor's appointment...oh yeah...hmmm...dont' feel bad about it. Granted, I don't do this every day, but I probably do it more often than I should.
5) I am devious. Recently I have started playing attendings against each other. Not really in the horrible way that sounds. More in the "oh Dr. so and so said I should work with them today..." and then turning around and being like "oh I need to get back to work with the other doctor" and then leaving. Or hiding out to study. They don't seem to notice. It's pretty awesome. Or going to preceptor in the morning, coming home and napping before going back to my rotation. Yep, that is me.
Hopefully none of my attendings will ever read this blog, or I will be busted big time. But honestly, I don't think any of this is going to have a negative effect on my ability to treat patients, because when I'm with a patient I give my best, I give them everything. I'm passionate to work with people, I want to help them as best as I can, I like to be there for them and be the one to take care of them. I just don't put up with a lot of bullshit, and I can't pretend to be something I'm not. Which is a gunner. So, yeah, maybe that makes me a bad student, but I don't hear my patients complaining. Maybe it's because I leave before I can hear them. hmmmm....
So, that's the good news about third year. I've figured out a couple of secrets to help me get through the rest of the year. Unfortunately, all of these secrets make me feel like a horrible slacker, and makes me worried about my future in medicine if already I'm finding all these shortcuts for life. However, I have also decided that when I want something, I'm willing to work hard for it, and I don't see the point in busting my ass for something that isn't going to make a huge impact in my life.
For example: I have pretty much decided that I'm either going to do internal medicine or pediatrics. Unless my neurology rotation is just the greatest thing since sliced bread, I don't really think any of the other stuff holds any interest for me. That has lead to me checking out completely in my rotations, which is bad. I am currently in my OB rotation, and I've realized that OB is just not for me. So I'm not going to go into it. However, if I were a good medical student like all the others, I'd still work my ass off for an amazing grade or whatnot. I am not like the other students. I have realized that I am not going to honor or high pass this rotation, and if I just do well enough, I am going to pass. So, instead of working my ass off to just pass, I've decided to just pass. That means showing up on time, being nice to my patients, doing my work, leaving, and studying for the test. It does not involve getting to work early, trying to overly impress people, and going above and beyond. Is that bad?
I think it is a little bad, because now my attendings can tell I have no interest in OB, and they probably think I'm a horrible medical student, and that really isn't good. But on the other hand, it is helping me stay sane in this crazy world. Saving up my energy for my rotations that are going to count for my future. Right? I sure hope so. Otherwise I'm just a bad student, and does that translate into being a bad doctor? I sure hope not.
The things I've done, that I'm pretty sure no other medical student has done in the history of medical school. Okay probably not that big a deal, but still:
1) I take naps. Why not? You know the saying "eat when you have a chance to eat, sit when you have a chance to sit, pee when you have a chance to pee?" I take that a step further and nap when I get a chance to nap. There is a call room for students on this rotation, and sometimes I have absolutely nothing to do, and I can't stand the thought of studying anymore, so I take a little nap. Apparently that is horrifying to some of my classmates. I think it is just good thinking.
2) I leave when I have a chance to leave. I am not one of those "are you sure?Maybe I should stick around," types of students. If the attending says there is nothing going on and I have the option of just sitting around waiting for something to maybe happen or leaving now, I'm going to leave. And if there has been nothing going on for hours, I'm going to ask if I can leave. It's just one of those things. So yes, I've left the hospital on a weekday at noon before, because someone said I could. And at 430 I've asked if I can go home to study or whatever if I haven't done anything since noon. And I don't think that is going to affect my evaluation enough for me to really worry about it.
3) Rotations where high pass is determined by a test grade automatically means I'm just going to pass. Therefore, I am not going to put too much effort into it. I cannot do well on tests. I have anxiety, I don't study enough, I have no self esteem. It's just a thing I've gotten used to. So while I believe if I study hard I can pass the test, I know that for most of these rotations I am not going to do that well. So what does it matter if I pass with a 70.1 or a 89.9? It doesn't, especially since all they see is pass. So I'm not going to kill myself to turn in stellar work for our busy work that we are given. I'm not going to try and be the best student ever. I'm going to do what it takes to get through, learn what I can in the meantime, and try to hold on to my sanity.
4) I plan things during rotation time so I can get out of rotations. Especially in the ones I'm not passionate about. Sure, I'll come have a meeting on campus at 3pm! That works just perfectly, that gets me out of clinic for awhile. It's for school right? Oh I have a doctor's appointment...oh yeah...hmmm...dont' feel bad about it. Granted, I don't do this every day, but I probably do it more often than I should.
5) I am devious. Recently I have started playing attendings against each other. Not really in the horrible way that sounds. More in the "oh Dr. so and so said I should work with them today..." and then turning around and being like "oh I need to get back to work with the other doctor" and then leaving. Or hiding out to study. They don't seem to notice. It's pretty awesome. Or going to preceptor in the morning, coming home and napping before going back to my rotation. Yep, that is me.
Hopefully none of my attendings will ever read this blog, or I will be busted big time. But honestly, I don't think any of this is going to have a negative effect on my ability to treat patients, because when I'm with a patient I give my best, I give them everything. I'm passionate to work with people, I want to help them as best as I can, I like to be there for them and be the one to take care of them. I just don't put up with a lot of bullshit, and I can't pretend to be something I'm not. Which is a gunner. So, yeah, maybe that makes me a bad student, but I don't hear my patients complaining. Maybe it's because I leave before I can hear them. hmmmm....
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
sitting to study brings me to tears
Hopefully I will be able to get over this soon. The past seven weeks I've been in adult ambulatory medicine and I will let you know, I am not studying. Occasionally I have busted out my book and tried to read a few chapters, but that usually results in me staring off blankly into space or falling asleep. It always ends in me putting away the book not sure I've actually learned anything.
But, Friday is test time, and I'm starting to get a little anxious. However, my anxiety is not of the type that will help me study. Instead it is that crippling "I don't want to study I don't give a shit about this" type of anxiety. This is bad news. I know I'm not smart enough to just do well on a test without studying. But I also can't seem to get into my head that studying is going to have any impact whatsoever on my grade. For someone with such low self esteem I sure do have a lot of faith in my ability to kick ass on tests, even though I have repeatedly shown myself that I am not good at tests. You'd think this would lead me to study, but instead I get trapped in this half-panicked half-defeated frame of mind that is not conducive to studying. "I should study so I can do well on this test," I'll say to myself. Followed quickly with "why? I can't honor the block anyway, why bother? I'll just pass this one." Which is closely followed by "but what if I don't pass the test? I suck at tests! I should study." That usually results in me at least picking up the book and opening it. But that then leads to me staring blankly at the pages, arguing with myself about how important this is even if it is super boring and no I don't know everything in the book as much as I try to convince myself I do and just reviewing right before the test has never worked out to my advantage before so why should it now?
But the worst of it, worse than the pure disinterest and dislike of studying is the depression that comes along with studying. I've been in a bad mood all day and finally figured out it's not because I'm lonely here in Montrose (I only have two days left here, I can get over it), and it's not because so and so didn't call me today or return my texts, and it's not because I am tired of my host mom, or no one emailed me today, or any of those other things I can usually attribute my bad mood to. It's not PMS because it's not that time of the month. It really is just a severe depression that comes with studying. I forgot that I get it, because the past seven weeks I've been convincing myself that I'm learning enough in clinic without studying, and that my time is better spent riding my bike and enjoying the beautiful weather. So last Thursday was the first day I actually sat down with my book in a coffee shop and studied. And it sucked and brought back horrible memories of the past two years. So I stopped, mostly because I didn't care but I blamed it on the fact that my mom was in town and we had an adventure planned.
Yesterday I was so proud of msyelf, I went for a bike ride AND managed to get to the coffee shop to study. And I studied for like three hours. Okay, I sat in the coffee shop for three hours. I'm not sure how long I actually studied. Because within minutes of oepning my book I wanted to close it back up again. But yesterday I just felt bored. Probably because the stress of the fact that the test is days away hadn't quite caught up with me yet.
That stress caught up with my today, and I've been on the verge of tears all day, and I couldn't figure it out for the life of me. What was wrong with me? Why am I in such a bad mood? I should be in a good mood, I'm almost done with this rotation, I get to go home soon, I only have one more day of work. But I guess that slowly the realization that on Friday I have a test that I am not prepared for but cannot seem to make myself become prepared for. I know I need to study, I'm stressed out about the test, I'm worried that I'm going to fail it, I don't feel confident, I know a panic attack is in the makings, but I cannot sit down with my book. Instead I just sit around thinking about how stressed out I am and should study, but when I try to study I want to cry, so I stop studying just to get stressed about studying again.
This is why I failed the boards. More than any of the other crap, it was this, this feeling of knowing I need to study but not having the ability to do it. I simultaneously care and don't care about this test and my need to study for it. I'm defeated, I know I can't honor, I know I'm barely going to pass, but for some reason I can't convince myself that I need to study because I might not barely pass. I might not pass at all. And I don't want to remediate anything. I don't want to fail another test. I just want to move on with my life. But I can't. I cannot study, and I don't know how to fix this problem. I can hope it gets better with other blocks, and with the cold since I won't want to play outside. But what if I'm like this forever?
It worries me that I have no desire to study or learn. All I want to do is treat patients, but I don't have the knowledge to do so, and I can't seem to drum up the enthusiasm to learn things. I don't know what medication I should use for diabetes management. I don't know what labs I want to run on a patient. I don't know what to do if a patient goes into cardiac arrest. All this information is at my finger tips, but I don't give a damn enough to look up the answer. I keep thinking that I'll learn it, but when will I learn it if I won't study? It doesn't make any sense.
I need some kind of motivation pill or something. Something that gets me focused and excited to learn. Something to help me succeed. But until I find this magical pill that doesn't exist, I am going to have to figure something else out. Maybe just sitting with my book long enough, reading one word at a time, one sentence at a time, not trying to get too ahead of myself, and eventually I'll learn something. Right? Let's hope so.
I'd like to say I'm going to go back to studying now, but really I'm going to get ready for bed. I'll then probably lie in bed for an hour worrying about how I didn't study enough today and won't have time to study tomorrow, I'll get no sleep, but I won't get out of bed to study, I'll just lie there freaking out. At least I know myself well enough to know this is how my night is going to go...That's progress right?
But, Friday is test time, and I'm starting to get a little anxious. However, my anxiety is not of the type that will help me study. Instead it is that crippling "I don't want to study I don't give a shit about this" type of anxiety. This is bad news. I know I'm not smart enough to just do well on a test without studying. But I also can't seem to get into my head that studying is going to have any impact whatsoever on my grade. For someone with such low self esteem I sure do have a lot of faith in my ability to kick ass on tests, even though I have repeatedly shown myself that I am not good at tests. You'd think this would lead me to study, but instead I get trapped in this half-panicked half-defeated frame of mind that is not conducive to studying. "I should study so I can do well on this test," I'll say to myself. Followed quickly with "why? I can't honor the block anyway, why bother? I'll just pass this one." Which is closely followed by "but what if I don't pass the test? I suck at tests! I should study." That usually results in me at least picking up the book and opening it. But that then leads to me staring blankly at the pages, arguing with myself about how important this is even if it is super boring and no I don't know everything in the book as much as I try to convince myself I do and just reviewing right before the test has never worked out to my advantage before so why should it now?
But the worst of it, worse than the pure disinterest and dislike of studying is the depression that comes along with studying. I've been in a bad mood all day and finally figured out it's not because I'm lonely here in Montrose (I only have two days left here, I can get over it), and it's not because so and so didn't call me today or return my texts, and it's not because I am tired of my host mom, or no one emailed me today, or any of those other things I can usually attribute my bad mood to. It's not PMS because it's not that time of the month. It really is just a severe depression that comes with studying. I forgot that I get it, because the past seven weeks I've been convincing myself that I'm learning enough in clinic without studying, and that my time is better spent riding my bike and enjoying the beautiful weather. So last Thursday was the first day I actually sat down with my book in a coffee shop and studied. And it sucked and brought back horrible memories of the past two years. So I stopped, mostly because I didn't care but I blamed it on the fact that my mom was in town and we had an adventure planned.
Yesterday I was so proud of msyelf, I went for a bike ride AND managed to get to the coffee shop to study. And I studied for like three hours. Okay, I sat in the coffee shop for three hours. I'm not sure how long I actually studied. Because within minutes of oepning my book I wanted to close it back up again. But yesterday I just felt bored. Probably because the stress of the fact that the test is days away hadn't quite caught up with me yet.
That stress caught up with my today, and I've been on the verge of tears all day, and I couldn't figure it out for the life of me. What was wrong with me? Why am I in such a bad mood? I should be in a good mood, I'm almost done with this rotation, I get to go home soon, I only have one more day of work. But I guess that slowly the realization that on Friday I have a test that I am not prepared for but cannot seem to make myself become prepared for. I know I need to study, I'm stressed out about the test, I'm worried that I'm going to fail it, I don't feel confident, I know a panic attack is in the makings, but I cannot sit down with my book. Instead I just sit around thinking about how stressed out I am and should study, but when I try to study I want to cry, so I stop studying just to get stressed about studying again.
This is why I failed the boards. More than any of the other crap, it was this, this feeling of knowing I need to study but not having the ability to do it. I simultaneously care and don't care about this test and my need to study for it. I'm defeated, I know I can't honor, I know I'm barely going to pass, but for some reason I can't convince myself that I need to study because I might not barely pass. I might not pass at all. And I don't want to remediate anything. I don't want to fail another test. I just want to move on with my life. But I can't. I cannot study, and I don't know how to fix this problem. I can hope it gets better with other blocks, and with the cold since I won't want to play outside. But what if I'm like this forever?
It worries me that I have no desire to study or learn. All I want to do is treat patients, but I don't have the knowledge to do so, and I can't seem to drum up the enthusiasm to learn things. I don't know what medication I should use for diabetes management. I don't know what labs I want to run on a patient. I don't know what to do if a patient goes into cardiac arrest. All this information is at my finger tips, but I don't give a damn enough to look up the answer. I keep thinking that I'll learn it, but when will I learn it if I won't study? It doesn't make any sense.
I need some kind of motivation pill or something. Something that gets me focused and excited to learn. Something to help me succeed. But until I find this magical pill that doesn't exist, I am going to have to figure something else out. Maybe just sitting with my book long enough, reading one word at a time, one sentence at a time, not trying to get too ahead of myself, and eventually I'll learn something. Right? Let's hope so.
I'd like to say I'm going to go back to studying now, but really I'm going to get ready for bed. I'll then probably lie in bed for an hour worrying about how I didn't study enough today and won't have time to study tomorrow, I'll get no sleep, but I won't get out of bed to study, I'll just lie there freaking out. At least I know myself well enough to know this is how my night is going to go...That's progress right?
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Can I be a doctor if blood makes me queasy?
I often feeling like I'm a fake medical student. All the other medical students are so excited about hands on training and getting to do procedures and all that jazz. I enjoy the occasional procedure. But really, I'd rather just listen to hearts and lungs and people's problems all day. If I could be a psychiatrist and cardiologist at the same time, I would. but I can't be a psychiatrist because I don't deal well with other crazies and I like my stethoscope too much.
What I do not like, is blood. I used to have all kinds of ways of justifying it. we'd be watching a gory movie and I would just say I didn't like the way it was portrayed, or that it was different in real life, or something. But when it comes right down to it, I'm just kinda squeamish. And I feel that that does not bode well for my future as a physician. I literally turn my head any time a television show or movie shows blood and guts. I do not think it is cool. I do not enjoy looking at it. But somehow I want to be a doctor. Hmmmm.
I thought I was getting over my crazy dislike of blood. when I lived in Jordan I almost passed out one day in the ER because there was this person with a huge gash in his hand and the doctor was like digging a probe in it to show me the tendons and everything. But I hadn't had a similar episode since starting school. Turns out that is probably because I haven't been around bleeding people since starting school. Sounds strange, since I work in hospitals. But except for the occasional blood draw, I really didnt have that much contact with blood. So I foolishly convinced myself I'd gotten over that fear.
Wrong. Monday I was watching a skin biopsy, again of the hand, of this little old lady. The doc was taking a chunk of her skin to send to pathology to see if it was cancer. I was going find until he was done, and she was spewing blood (or just leaking a little) and he was showing me the tendon again (maybe it's the tendon I'm scared of?) and then felt like I was going to pass out. I managed to play it off pretty well, he didn't notice, but I felt sick the rest of the day.
Then the next day, when I'm finally starting to feel better, he tells me that another patient is coming in for a skin biopsy of her nose the next day and I could do it. Any other medical student would have been so excited to get that chance. Not this one. My first thought was "holy crap how do I get out of this?" But throughout the day I slowly resigned myself to the fact that unless I wanted to be unfairly judged, I had better pretned to be excited about this. So this morning, full of terror at 1) mangling some poor old woman's face and 2) passing out, I brought a tomato to work to practice, under the direct supervision of the doctor.
After watching me work my magic on the tomato, the doc said "I think for this one I'm just going to let you see one." Awesome shot to the self esteem. But, I was happy, although I will admit slightly bummed, that I didn't have to do it. I just watched. And for some reason, the blood didn't bother me today, good news. And just as I'm getting out of there thinking how lucky I am, the doc tells me someone else needs a biospy later and that one will be all mine.
Who was it? A nurse at the doc's office who had WATCHED ME DESTROY THE TOMATO. Apparently she has no fear, and really believes in teaching students, because she let me go to town with her skin. Hacked off a nice slice of it, and it bled like crazy, and my hands were shaking, but I didn't pass out. But, I honestly don't want to do another one, ever again in my whole life.
What can I say? I don't like procedures. I think that makes me weird, abnormal, not cut out to be a doctor, but that's just the way I am. I have no interest in sticking people or cutting them up or removing things from them or inserting things into them. My personal nightmare: knowing one day I may have to remove someone's toe nail. I might vomit all over them, that shit is gross. I would rather a patient vomit on me, to be honest, that doesn't bother me at all.
Eventually I'll be able to find a career that involves only those things I like: my stethoscope, looking in people's ears, looking in their eyes, talking to them about their problems. I don't think I'm going to be in a position that involves a lot of cutting, blood, guts, etc. But until I get to that point, I have to put on my brave face and pretend I really enjoy making other people bleed so that I can stop their bleeding. It's going to be a long couple of years...
What I do not like, is blood. I used to have all kinds of ways of justifying it. we'd be watching a gory movie and I would just say I didn't like the way it was portrayed, or that it was different in real life, or something. But when it comes right down to it, I'm just kinda squeamish. And I feel that that does not bode well for my future as a physician. I literally turn my head any time a television show or movie shows blood and guts. I do not think it is cool. I do not enjoy looking at it. But somehow I want to be a doctor. Hmmmm.
I thought I was getting over my crazy dislike of blood. when I lived in Jordan I almost passed out one day in the ER because there was this person with a huge gash in his hand and the doctor was like digging a probe in it to show me the tendons and everything. But I hadn't had a similar episode since starting school. Turns out that is probably because I haven't been around bleeding people since starting school. Sounds strange, since I work in hospitals. But except for the occasional blood draw, I really didnt have that much contact with blood. So I foolishly convinced myself I'd gotten over that fear.
Wrong. Monday I was watching a skin biopsy, again of the hand, of this little old lady. The doc was taking a chunk of her skin to send to pathology to see if it was cancer. I was going find until he was done, and she was spewing blood (or just leaking a little) and he was showing me the tendon again (maybe it's the tendon I'm scared of?) and then felt like I was going to pass out. I managed to play it off pretty well, he didn't notice, but I felt sick the rest of the day.
Then the next day, when I'm finally starting to feel better, he tells me that another patient is coming in for a skin biopsy of her nose the next day and I could do it. Any other medical student would have been so excited to get that chance. Not this one. My first thought was "holy crap how do I get out of this?" But throughout the day I slowly resigned myself to the fact that unless I wanted to be unfairly judged, I had better pretned to be excited about this. So this morning, full of terror at 1) mangling some poor old woman's face and 2) passing out, I brought a tomato to work to practice, under the direct supervision of the doctor.
After watching me work my magic on the tomato, the doc said "I think for this one I'm just going to let you see one." Awesome shot to the self esteem. But, I was happy, although I will admit slightly bummed, that I didn't have to do it. I just watched. And for some reason, the blood didn't bother me today, good news. And just as I'm getting out of there thinking how lucky I am, the doc tells me someone else needs a biospy later and that one will be all mine.
Who was it? A nurse at the doc's office who had WATCHED ME DESTROY THE TOMATO. Apparently she has no fear, and really believes in teaching students, because she let me go to town with her skin. Hacked off a nice slice of it, and it bled like crazy, and my hands were shaking, but I didn't pass out. But, I honestly don't want to do another one, ever again in my whole life.
What can I say? I don't like procedures. I think that makes me weird, abnormal, not cut out to be a doctor, but that's just the way I am. I have no interest in sticking people or cutting them up or removing things from them or inserting things into them. My personal nightmare: knowing one day I may have to remove someone's toe nail. I might vomit all over them, that shit is gross. I would rather a patient vomit on me, to be honest, that doesn't bother me at all.
Eventually I'll be able to find a career that involves only those things I like: my stethoscope, looking in people's ears, looking in their eyes, talking to them about their problems. I don't think I'm going to be in a position that involves a lot of cutting, blood, guts, etc. But until I get to that point, I have to put on my brave face and pretend I really enjoy making other people bleed so that I can stop their bleeding. It's going to be a long couple of years...
Saturday, September 25, 2010
I know exactly how you feel
I have found, during my months of soul searching, the the thing that helps most is having someone who feels the same way you do. It helps to normalize feelings and make you think that you are not as crazy or messed up or horrible as you seem. For instance, it really helped me to know that other students struggle in medical school. It always helps me when my best friend says "man I hate that bitch" whenever we find out one of our friends is engaged. Because I'm not the only person who deep down inside hates everyone for being happier than I am. It's comforting, in it's own sick way. It makes me feel like I'm not as horrible of a person to hear other people say that they know how I feel, and actually do. At first I thought it was just because then I didn't feel like such a bad person. and it is still kind of like that, but there is more to it I think. It's comforting to know that other people feel the same way I do because it makes my feelings seem somewhat rational. It doesn't always take the feelings away, but then I at least don't have to worry about also feeling bad about the way I feel.
Case in point. When I failed the boards, the best part of that day was when a friend of mine called and said she also failed the boards. At first I felt like a horrible person for thinking that way. Because my immediate reaction to her failing wasn't "oh I wish that hadn't happened to her" or "that sucks" but rather "YES! Someone else failed." I didn't necessarily want it to be her, I'm very sorry she failed, but it was comforting to have someone else who I knew and got along with and felt on par with also fail the boards. But then I felt guilty and like a horrible person because I was glad she also failed. Part of it was, I'll admit, vindictive. Yes, someone else failed. Someone else has to go through what I'm going through. But mostly it was just comfort at not being alone. And when she told me that the only thing that got her through finding out she'd failed the boards was knowing that I had failed too and there was someone else going through what she was going through, I was finally able to at least let go of the guilt of having those feelings. One less feeling to have.
That same friend and I were talking the other day about all the other crazy feelings that we have that we are ashamed of, but that the two of us share so hopefully everyone has those feelings. It made me feel better at least to hear that she also felt the same way about certain things. Like how we've gotten to the point where we get mad at other people in class for being curious. Ask a question of someone and you are sure to have earned my scorn. Why? Is it because you asking a question makes me feel dumb? Or like I should be more interested? Why is it that when you ask a question about something I have no interest in finding out the answer? Then I just feel bad because I no longer care to know about things. And I can justify this all I want- oh I have so much to learn already, I can't take in anymore, whatever-but when it comes down to it I still feel bad for the feeling. Until someone else comes along and says "yeah, I totally feel that way. When someone asks a question I get frustrated that I'm going to have to sit and listen through an answer instead of being excited/interested to know what the answer is." A breath of fresh air. Because now I can convince myself that everyone feels this way.
Normalizing the feelings at least helps me to not feel bad for the way I feel or react to things. And I think that it may be the secret to really helping other people get through hard times. I mean, it won't always work. Because you can't really normalize murdering someone or stealing or stuff like that. But you can normalize wanted to throw a rock at a window for no good reason (also known as a compulsion) or your immediate reaction to your friend telling you she is engaged being "that bitch I hate her!" instead of feeling joy for another person's joy. Having someone else tell me they went through the same problems I'm going through helps me not feel so alone in the world all the time, no matter what it is I'm going through. Someone else failing a test, someone else wondering every day why they are doing what they are doing, someone else feeling envious or infuriated at friends just because they are smarter, someone else hating every second of the past two years. It's a sense of camaraderie with other people, something to tether you back to the world of others.
So really all I can say is I know how you feel. And I hope that knowing someone else is feeling the same way comforts you as it has managed to comfort me
Case in point. When I failed the boards, the best part of that day was when a friend of mine called and said she also failed the boards. At first I felt like a horrible person for thinking that way. Because my immediate reaction to her failing wasn't "oh I wish that hadn't happened to her" or "that sucks" but rather "YES! Someone else failed." I didn't necessarily want it to be her, I'm very sorry she failed, but it was comforting to have someone else who I knew and got along with and felt on par with also fail the boards. But then I felt guilty and like a horrible person because I was glad she also failed. Part of it was, I'll admit, vindictive. Yes, someone else failed. Someone else has to go through what I'm going through. But mostly it was just comfort at not being alone. And when she told me that the only thing that got her through finding out she'd failed the boards was knowing that I had failed too and there was someone else going through what she was going through, I was finally able to at least let go of the guilt of having those feelings. One less feeling to have.
That same friend and I were talking the other day about all the other crazy feelings that we have that we are ashamed of, but that the two of us share so hopefully everyone has those feelings. It made me feel better at least to hear that she also felt the same way about certain things. Like how we've gotten to the point where we get mad at other people in class for being curious. Ask a question of someone and you are sure to have earned my scorn. Why? Is it because you asking a question makes me feel dumb? Or like I should be more interested? Why is it that when you ask a question about something I have no interest in finding out the answer? Then I just feel bad because I no longer care to know about things. And I can justify this all I want- oh I have so much to learn already, I can't take in anymore, whatever-but when it comes down to it I still feel bad for the feeling. Until someone else comes along and says "yeah, I totally feel that way. When someone asks a question I get frustrated that I'm going to have to sit and listen through an answer instead of being excited/interested to know what the answer is." A breath of fresh air. Because now I can convince myself that everyone feels this way.
Normalizing the feelings at least helps me to not feel bad for the way I feel or react to things. And I think that it may be the secret to really helping other people get through hard times. I mean, it won't always work. Because you can't really normalize murdering someone or stealing or stuff like that. But you can normalize wanted to throw a rock at a window for no good reason (also known as a compulsion) or your immediate reaction to your friend telling you she is engaged being "that bitch I hate her!" instead of feeling joy for another person's joy. Having someone else tell me they went through the same problems I'm going through helps me not feel so alone in the world all the time, no matter what it is I'm going through. Someone else failing a test, someone else wondering every day why they are doing what they are doing, someone else feeling envious or infuriated at friends just because they are smarter, someone else hating every second of the past two years. It's a sense of camaraderie with other people, something to tether you back to the world of others.
So really all I can say is I know how you feel. And I hope that knowing someone else is feeling the same way comforts you as it has managed to comfort me
Friday, September 17, 2010
I actually don't like other medical students
Don't get me wrong, I have some AMAZING friends in my class and within the school. But outside of them, if I don't have to spend time with other students, my life is actually much happier.
This is a new finding for me. I had always enjoyed the pack mentality in the past. Working together, having someone else to feed off of, having someone to cover me if I didn't know what was going on, having someone to bitch too when things weren't going right. And it worked great in things like anatomy, where I sure as hell didn't want to be doing all that work by myself. I didn't want to be doing ANY of the work, so I needed a team. And when I first started volunteering for elective clinic sites, I never wanted to go alone. I needed someone there smarter than me who could show me the ropes so that I wasn't the dumb medical student always asking questions.
When did this realization that I really just don't enjoy being around others of my kind come in? In retrospect, it really started when I was studying for the boards the first time around. I started realizng that while I was dependent on other students being around so I didn't feel like I was suffering alone, really they made me suffer more. By constantly telling me what THEY were doing to study and how many hours they put in and how well they scored on practice tests really kinda made me want to kill myself. Self esteem dropped more and more by the day. Anxiety increased. Heart raced. And the amount of time I spent in the bathroom crying definitely increased. And then I fucking failed the boards anyway, so what good were those other students?
But I didn't really understand I didn't want to be around other medical students. I was very excited that I was doing my internal medicine rotation with other people in my class so I wouldn't be alone at Denver Health trying to survive each day without looking like a complete idiot. I even remember looking at the list and seeing I was on a team by myself but two of the students were on a team together and I was jealous that I wasn't on a team with someone else, that it was just me, fending for myself.
Now I thank God every day that He didn't put me on a team with anyone else. Why? Because medical students are evil, evil, backstabbing people. In the medical school situation that is. In general we are all very nice, well meaning people. But put us together and grade us against each other, and oooohhhh will we turn on each other. Sometimes you don't even realize that you've just been stabbed in the back. Example: another student bringing in an article FOR YOU because you guys had been talking baout it the day before. Seems friendly right? But no, it's really just a way for other student to show she is better than you. They were paying attention, they did some research, they showed that YOU didn't do the research but they did. Look at me look at me! Bitchslapped, that's what just happened.
But, I thought it was just the way of the world. The nature of the beast, so to speak, something you had to deal with. Then, I was sent to west side clinic. And at first, even with my hatred of other students, I was scared to be off on my own. I didn't want to! I needed someone! I needed a crutch. Maybe just a nice medical student? Maybe? Why must I go alone? I was terrified.
But then...oh then I realized the magical magical world of being the only medical student in a practice. It is amazing. Every day, I show up, and I don't have to worry about whether another medical student got there earlier than I did. Because God forbid I be the last medical student to show up. It'll look like I don't care. Even if I can get all my notes done in thirty minutes and pre-round on all my patients,so I dont NEED to be there at 5am, the fact that another student got there at 5am makes ME look bad! Even though I'm waymore efficient! The resident/attending won't necessarily see that. They'll see me meandering in all late and stuff while other medical students are diligently and happily there working before I am. It's a no win situation!
But at West Side, I could just show up, no worries. And then, when patients came, I just got to have them. I didn't have to fight for them with another student. They were just mine. I could spend all the time I wanted with one, and do my job, and actually learn things, instead of spending all my time worrying that the other medical students were doing better than me and were working harder than me and were sucking up more than me. I didn't have to impress people by being better than everyone else, I just had to impress them by doing my thing, which is good enough. I am a good student. I am going to be a good doctor. but I am not THE BEST, and I don't care to be THE BEST, and I don't do well in competition because I spend more time thinking about competing than I do working. So that cut the anxiety and stress of competing out, of constantly worrying that othermedical students were smarter than me.I could just be me, and do my job, and I realized that it was good enough. And I realized that it wasn't just that I was stuck with some gunners in myother rotation. I realized that it is just the way we are when we are together.
Because wednesday mornings when we get together for didactics, it's the same thing. Everyone trying to impress everyone else with their knowledge and how much they care about things. And being a medical student, I can' help being competitive even though I hate being competitive. I have to shout out the answer if I know it. So that everyone knows I know the answer. Why? Because that is what we do. and it SUCKS.
So now, I want to do all my rotations where I am the only medical student. I don't know that I can manage to do so, but if I can, I will. Because I have finally realized, I don't like other medical students...
This is a new finding for me. I had always enjoyed the pack mentality in the past. Working together, having someone else to feed off of, having someone to cover me if I didn't know what was going on, having someone to bitch too when things weren't going right. And it worked great in things like anatomy, where I sure as hell didn't want to be doing all that work by myself. I didn't want to be doing ANY of the work, so I needed a team. And when I first started volunteering for elective clinic sites, I never wanted to go alone. I needed someone there smarter than me who could show me the ropes so that I wasn't the dumb medical student always asking questions.
When did this realization that I really just don't enjoy being around others of my kind come in? In retrospect, it really started when I was studying for the boards the first time around. I started realizng that while I was dependent on other students being around so I didn't feel like I was suffering alone, really they made me suffer more. By constantly telling me what THEY were doing to study and how many hours they put in and how well they scored on practice tests really kinda made me want to kill myself. Self esteem dropped more and more by the day. Anxiety increased. Heart raced. And the amount of time I spent in the bathroom crying definitely increased. And then I fucking failed the boards anyway, so what good were those other students?
But I didn't really understand I didn't want to be around other medical students. I was very excited that I was doing my internal medicine rotation with other people in my class so I wouldn't be alone at Denver Health trying to survive each day without looking like a complete idiot. I even remember looking at the list and seeing I was on a team by myself but two of the students were on a team together and I was jealous that I wasn't on a team with someone else, that it was just me, fending for myself.
Now I thank God every day that He didn't put me on a team with anyone else. Why? Because medical students are evil, evil, backstabbing people. In the medical school situation that is. In general we are all very nice, well meaning people. But put us together and grade us against each other, and oooohhhh will we turn on each other. Sometimes you don't even realize that you've just been stabbed in the back. Example: another student bringing in an article FOR YOU because you guys had been talking baout it the day before. Seems friendly right? But no, it's really just a way for other student to show she is better than you. They were paying attention, they did some research, they showed that YOU didn't do the research but they did. Look at me look at me! Bitchslapped, that's what just happened.
But, I thought it was just the way of the world. The nature of the beast, so to speak, something you had to deal with. Then, I was sent to west side clinic. And at first, even with my hatred of other students, I was scared to be off on my own. I didn't want to! I needed someone! I needed a crutch. Maybe just a nice medical student? Maybe? Why must I go alone? I was terrified.
But then...oh then I realized the magical magical world of being the only medical student in a practice. It is amazing. Every day, I show up, and I don't have to worry about whether another medical student got there earlier than I did. Because God forbid I be the last medical student to show up. It'll look like I don't care. Even if I can get all my notes done in thirty minutes and pre-round on all my patients,so I dont NEED to be there at 5am, the fact that another student got there at 5am makes ME look bad! Even though I'm waymore efficient! The resident/attending won't necessarily see that. They'll see me meandering in all late and stuff while other medical students are diligently and happily there working before I am. It's a no win situation!
But at West Side, I could just show up, no worries. And then, when patients came, I just got to have them. I didn't have to fight for them with another student. They were just mine. I could spend all the time I wanted with one, and do my job, and actually learn things, instead of spending all my time worrying that the other medical students were doing better than me and were working harder than me and were sucking up more than me. I didn't have to impress people by being better than everyone else, I just had to impress them by doing my thing, which is good enough. I am a good student. I am going to be a good doctor. but I am not THE BEST, and I don't care to be THE BEST, and I don't do well in competition because I spend more time thinking about competing than I do working. So that cut the anxiety and stress of competing out, of constantly worrying that othermedical students were smarter than me.I could just be me, and do my job, and I realized that it was good enough. And I realized that it wasn't just that I was stuck with some gunners in myother rotation. I realized that it is just the way we are when we are together.
Because wednesday mornings when we get together for didactics, it's the same thing. Everyone trying to impress everyone else with their knowledge and how much they care about things. And being a medical student, I can' help being competitive even though I hate being competitive. I have to shout out the answer if I know it. So that everyone knows I know the answer. Why? Because that is what we do. and it SUCKS.
So now, I want to do all my rotations where I am the only medical student. I don't know that I can manage to do so, but if I can, I will. Because I have finally realized, I don't like other medical students...
Thursday, August 19, 2010
All I want is some free time. Until I get it. Then I have no clue what to do with it
As a medical student, well as a person in general I guess, a respectable "adult" with things to do, nothing is more sacred to me than my free time. And all I want is some more of it. I love free time. It's my me time, when I can get stuff done, relax, take in a movie, sleep, run errands, pay bills, clean, do my laundry, mostly just to chill. I can do whatever I want. I can go to the mountains, I can ride my bike, work out, go for a swim, whatevs man. It is very exciting. I spend most of my day dreaming about my free time, and what I'm going to do with it, and how awesome it is going to be. I'm just going to sit on the couch, watch some television, read a book, take a nap, eat, and have a perfectly wonderful, stress free period of time.
The problem with free time is that we are all type A personalities. We don't know what to do with an unscheduled moment of time. So we end up planning things for our free time, like doing the dishes, paying bills, cleaning the apartment, anything to keep us busy and make us feel important. And there is the fine balance between just enough free time and too much free time. Too much free time leads to disaster. At first you think it's going to be great: a week with absolutely nothing to do. Monday starts out, you sleep in, relax, watch some tv, make a to do list for the rest of the week. Tuesday comes around and you do exactly the same thing, rarely leaving your house for anything. By Wednesday you are itching for something to do, to get you out of your house, or make you feel important.
There are two ways to respond to this. One is to make random projects for yourself. Get out that to do list and start cleaning, laundry, bill paying, bike riding, and all of a sudden you realize that your free time is no longer free, you are doing stuff with it. What happened to relaxing? Now you are just stressed out about all the stuff you need to do. Some people are able to do one important task per free day, and then enjoy the rest of it.
I am not one of those people. I respond this way: Oh, I'll do it tomorrow. I get so bored just sitting on the couch watching television, but I refuse to spend my free time doing something important. That would be a waste of free time. But then I start to feel guilty, and start thinking about all the things I should be doing instead. But I didn't make plans, and I'm not a spontaneous person, so I just sit there, wondering what to do with myself. Every once in awhile I get a random burst of energy, in which I can do something productive or fun. Sometimes I can get ahold of someone to hang out with me and keep me entertained. But more often than not I just create lists of things to do and never get them done.
Case in point, I've had this entire week off. It is now Thursday. Today I finally did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the living room, paid some bills, and got my pager set up. The rest of the week? I've sat around watching television. Occasionally go for a bike ride. Mostly napped. That is how I handle myself. Instead of doing what I should be doing, I figure it can all be done later and just take a nap. So now I'm going to start back up in rotations on Monday, and I'm sure there are millions of things I should have done by now but haven't. All because a week of free time is absolutely too much for me to handle. I need like two days. That's my max. I can be productive AND get relaxed. After that I start feeling guilty about all the stuff I shoudl be doing, but instead of doing it I just sit there feeling guilty about it. I go to bed each night thinking "Tomorrow, tomorrow is going to be the day." Then tomorrow comes and I decide I'd rather lay in bed until noon, then watch a movie, take a nap, and convince myself I have plenty of time to get all my work done the next day. In the mean time, i try to figure out how to entertain myself. Because I get bored fairly easily. But instead of doing all the things I should be doing, I play solitaire in front of the tv, thinking if I do two things at once I'm multitasking and not being so lazy, right? Upstairs the bills are still unpaid, the laundry is still dirty, the bathroom has not decided it wants to clean itself. And for some reason putting the dishes in the dishwasher seems like too much work for me. At some point I'm oging to have to get all this work done, but I'm not sure when. Tomorrow I guess.
What is worse than large amounts of free time is unplanned free time. You would think that unplanned free time would be a blessing. Like yeah! Where did this hour come from? I can use it to relax! Not the case. Unplanned free time causes stress. Becaue it is never enough time to get anything done. It's always like an hour, and then I have to be in class again, or at the next meeting, or whatever. 45 minutes? What the heck do I do with that? I could take a nap, but I'd need to find a safe nap place. I can't go home and get things done because I live at least fifteen minutes away from everything. I can't study, because by the time I pull out all my books, set them up, find my favorite high lighter, and get down to reading, it's time to pack them all back up again. Unscheduled free time is a medical student's worst nightmare. Mostly because there is always something you COULD be doing, but it just isn't enough time. Or I just can't get there and back to what I need to be doing. And it never comes in at a handy time. It's never like I got off an hour early from school and don't have anywhere else to be. It's more like, class ended twenty minutes early and I have a meeting in an hour. Awesome. Or like at one of the hospitals I rotated through, where we had morning report from 1030 til 1130, then noon conference at noon. What am I supposed to do with that half hour? It's just enough time to start something thatI can't possibly finish. It's a disaster.
So, while you will constantly hear me moaning about how I don't have enough free time, the second I get some, I garauntee I'm going to waste it in some way shape or form, even if it is just by resenting at what time it came to me. But that won't stop me from convincing myself that if I only had a little bit of free time I'd be a better person. It's a vicious cycle that cannot be broken.
The problem with free time is that we are all type A personalities. We don't know what to do with an unscheduled moment of time. So we end up planning things for our free time, like doing the dishes, paying bills, cleaning the apartment, anything to keep us busy and make us feel important. And there is the fine balance between just enough free time and too much free time. Too much free time leads to disaster. At first you think it's going to be great: a week with absolutely nothing to do. Monday starts out, you sleep in, relax, watch some tv, make a to do list for the rest of the week. Tuesday comes around and you do exactly the same thing, rarely leaving your house for anything. By Wednesday you are itching for something to do, to get you out of your house, or make you feel important.
There are two ways to respond to this. One is to make random projects for yourself. Get out that to do list and start cleaning, laundry, bill paying, bike riding, and all of a sudden you realize that your free time is no longer free, you are doing stuff with it. What happened to relaxing? Now you are just stressed out about all the stuff you need to do. Some people are able to do one important task per free day, and then enjoy the rest of it.
I am not one of those people. I respond this way: Oh, I'll do it tomorrow. I get so bored just sitting on the couch watching television, but I refuse to spend my free time doing something important. That would be a waste of free time. But then I start to feel guilty, and start thinking about all the things I should be doing instead. But I didn't make plans, and I'm not a spontaneous person, so I just sit there, wondering what to do with myself. Every once in awhile I get a random burst of energy, in which I can do something productive or fun. Sometimes I can get ahold of someone to hang out with me and keep me entertained. But more often than not I just create lists of things to do and never get them done.
Case in point, I've had this entire week off. It is now Thursday. Today I finally did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the living room, paid some bills, and got my pager set up. The rest of the week? I've sat around watching television. Occasionally go for a bike ride. Mostly napped. That is how I handle myself. Instead of doing what I should be doing, I figure it can all be done later and just take a nap. So now I'm going to start back up in rotations on Monday, and I'm sure there are millions of things I should have done by now but haven't. All because a week of free time is absolutely too much for me to handle. I need like two days. That's my max. I can be productive AND get relaxed. After that I start feeling guilty about all the stuff I shoudl be doing, but instead of doing it I just sit there feeling guilty about it. I go to bed each night thinking "Tomorrow, tomorrow is going to be the day." Then tomorrow comes and I decide I'd rather lay in bed until noon, then watch a movie, take a nap, and convince myself I have plenty of time to get all my work done the next day. In the mean time, i try to figure out how to entertain myself. Because I get bored fairly easily. But instead of doing all the things I should be doing, I play solitaire in front of the tv, thinking if I do two things at once I'm multitasking and not being so lazy, right? Upstairs the bills are still unpaid, the laundry is still dirty, the bathroom has not decided it wants to clean itself. And for some reason putting the dishes in the dishwasher seems like too much work for me. At some point I'm oging to have to get all this work done, but I'm not sure when. Tomorrow I guess.
What is worse than large amounts of free time is unplanned free time. You would think that unplanned free time would be a blessing. Like yeah! Where did this hour come from? I can use it to relax! Not the case. Unplanned free time causes stress. Becaue it is never enough time to get anything done. It's always like an hour, and then I have to be in class again, or at the next meeting, or whatever. 45 minutes? What the heck do I do with that? I could take a nap, but I'd need to find a safe nap place. I can't go home and get things done because I live at least fifteen minutes away from everything. I can't study, because by the time I pull out all my books, set them up, find my favorite high lighter, and get down to reading, it's time to pack them all back up again. Unscheduled free time is a medical student's worst nightmare. Mostly because there is always something you COULD be doing, but it just isn't enough time. Or I just can't get there and back to what I need to be doing. And it never comes in at a handy time. It's never like I got off an hour early from school and don't have anywhere else to be. It's more like, class ended twenty minutes early and I have a meeting in an hour. Awesome. Or like at one of the hospitals I rotated through, where we had morning report from 1030 til 1130, then noon conference at noon. What am I supposed to do with that half hour? It's just enough time to start something thatI can't possibly finish. It's a disaster.
So, while you will constantly hear me moaning about how I don't have enough free time, the second I get some, I garauntee I'm going to waste it in some way shape or form, even if it is just by resenting at what time it came to me. But that won't stop me from convincing myself that if I only had a little bit of free time I'd be a better person. It's a vicious cycle that cannot be broken.
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