Many people probably think I'm just making excuses for the way I feel about test taking these days, and no one wants to hear me talk about failing the boards one more time. But the fact of the matter is, it has permanently and horribly affected my life. I can't just get over it, like people seem to think I can. And in talking to other students who have also failed the boards, it seems to be a pretty common theme.
We have been through a traumatic event. We may not have been in 'Nam, or in Iraq. We may not have been brutality beaten or held hostage (at least, not literally). We may not have been in a natural disaster and almost lost our lives. We may not have been in a plane crash or been witness to a murder. But in our own way, we have suffered a trauma that isn't likely to leave our minds any time soon.
The boards are built up to be the end all be all of tests. Nothing in life matters quite as much as your board scores. They determine your entire future, your ability to get a good residency, fellowship, attending position. You will forever be judged on your board scores. And maybe none of htat is really true, but by the beginning of second year that is for sure what you think. You spend all of your time studying, worrying, stressing, crying, and then studying some more. the atmosphere during boards prep time is the worst time you'll ever have in your life (at least, I have to hope that is the worst experience I will ever have). And then the dreaded day comes when your scores come in, and you find out you failed.
The world really does feel like it is ending. You see all your hopes and dreams for the future fade off into the distance. All of a sudden all you can see is this failure, it defines you, it has ruined you, it means everything to you. And no one who hasn't failed the boards can truly understand what that means. They think they can, and they can be supportive of you, but when you've failed teh boards, you have lost a piece of your life. It is a dark, dark day. It shouldn't matter as much as it does, but sadly it does.
A friend of mine who also failed the boards said she went through the five stages of grief, and it is totally true. It is just like any other tragic moemnt in a person's life, except that it shouldn't matter so much. So when I tell people that I have PTSD from it, they laugh and tell me to cut it out. But they don't understand that I do wake up in the middle of the night freaking out about having failed. I do dwell on it and what it means for my future. I dread being denied residencies beause of this failure. I feel like it completely defines me. And the worst part is, it has taken all of my limited test taking confidence and killed it.
So now, when it is test time, I fall into a horrible depression. I can't get out of bed. I snap at everyone. I worry about failing. I can't focus long enough to study. I dont want to study. I'd rather stare off into space than get out my book. I start to cry, my stomach ties up in knots, and all I can think about is how I failed the boards and will never again be able to take a test. I try to tell myself that I will pass the rest of these tests, that if I study hard enough I'll be fine, that this time around I'll be prepared for whatever test is coming, but the week before the test the same thing happens: I realize I haven't spent enough time studying. I start to stress about how I shold be studying more. I try to study but become distracted by anything and everything. I feel a deep sense of dispair, and worst off, I don't care about anything. I'm so busy being stressed and anxious and depressed about the test that I have no energy left to study. So I stay in bed all day. I watch television. I stare at the ceiling. I take naps. I write blogs. I do not study. I do nto do anything productive. Because I tell myself I don't have time to go to the gym because I have to study, or I don't have time to clean or cook because I have to study, but then when I go to study, I just can't do it. And for some reason I never say I can't lie in bed all day because I have to study.
Then test time comes around and it is basically a self fulfilling prophecy. I don't do well on the tests, because I can't get myself to study. I have lucked out thus far and not failed another test, but maybe it is just a matter of time. Will I ever be able to get over this? Is it something that can even be fixed? I have to hope that eventually I will get over this and be able to study again, because the test taking is not anywhere near over. That all being said, I should probably go back to studying for my test next week...
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