I love my friends. And I really love having friends outside of school, because those friends don't compare grades with me, or talk about all the answers on the last test, or make me feel guilty for not studying. We can talk about the important things, like boys, fashion, the latest gossip, movies, whatever. It is a great release from the stresses of other type A people. And you realize who you really are friends with by the people you are willing to keep touch with outside of school. Becaue it is really hard, to fit in time for people and let yourself relax. Non-medical school friends are very important to the sanity of a medical student.
That being said, people who are not in medical school or haven't gone to medical school have no clue what we are going through. It's very difficult for them to empathize with our bitching and moaning, because to them it is just school. And for them, most of us have always been really good at school, and this is what we've always wanted, so why aren't we happy? Because they don't know. I have noticed four variations of replies from my friends when I complain about medical school or how much trouble I'm having. They think they are being helpful, but really, it doesn't make me feel better. Here we go:
1. Oh I'm sure you'll be fine. You're always fine, you always do well, I'm not worried. You're so smart you can do anything.
Why this isn't helpful: we know you mean well, and we thank you for the faith you have in us and for the compliment. But the point of all of my complaining is that I'm no longer smart, I'm average. I honestly do not feel like I can keep up with what is going on, and I feel like an idiot every day. And the fact that I used to be smart just makes it worse, because you are right, I am smart and I always used to do well. But now I'm not doing well and everyone has high expectations for me to be doing so great. It's a lot of pressure to put on a person who already has a crapton of self inflicted pressure put on them. And then when we do fail, it makes it even more difficult, because everyone was rooting for us and never had a doubt in their minds about our ability to do well. Now we've shown them. We've built this entire friendship around you thinking I'm a smart, hard working person who always does well. Now I have to prove to you that in fact I am an imbicil who cannot get anything right. You saying that I'm going to do just fine because I always do well and you aren't worried doesn't instill me with a feeling of confidence. Instead it puts on pressure that you didn't realize you were putting on me.
2. Well of course medical school is hard. You're going to be a doctor, I want it to be hard. If you are going to be in charge of the health and wellbeing of people, medical school should be hard.
Why this doesn't help: DUH! We know medical school is supposed to be hard because we are going to be doctors and that is a big responsibility. This response just makes us think that maybe we really aren't cut out for this. If I find medical school so hard, maybe I just don't have what it takes! And you're right, I'm going to be responsible for peoples LIVES! If I don't know every little fact about every little disease or process or medicine I could KILL people! Thanks for reminding me of that. I now have to leave your company and go study some more. We joke around in medical school (it's a pretty sick joke, but we are pretty sick) that only needing a 70% to pass a test means that 70% of our patients will live. Obviously that isn't really how it works, because I definitely know more than 70% of the stuff I've learned, I just can't always answer the test question correctly, and in the real world I'll be able to look things up or ask my collegues. But when my friends says "it's supposed to be hard because you are going to be a doctor, I want it to be hard, so I faith in going to the doctor," I want to bitchslap them, because again, it just puts more stress on me than is needed. And reminds me of the seriousness of everything that I'm doing and how hard it is and that failure could mean someone's life, and remember the stakes I'm playing against. Seriously, this response just sends me into a fit of panic. Don't use this one.
3. If you hate it so much, why don't you just quit?
Why this doesn't help: Do you know how hard I worked to get into medical school? The hours of studying for the MCAT and all myclasses? The hours typing up applications, the money spent applying, the hell of interviews and rejection and having to figure out some way to make myself more appealing to some medical school to get in? And I finally did and do you know how many hours of studying I've put into this in the past two and a half years? And the financial burden I'm in trying to pay for medical school? I'm not going to quit! How dare you suggest it? This is a totally childish "if you love it so much why dont you marry it" kind of response. Because at the end of the day I still want to be a doctor. This is just harder than I thought. And, I'm a medical student. I got here by working hard and kicking ass, I'm not a quitter! But the worst part of hearing this response is that most, if not all, of us have contemplated quitting at some point. We don't need encouragement to give up, because it would be so easy to just walk away. Deep down inside us there is a voice that constantly asks why are we doing this? Why take it anymore? Why not just walk away and start some new life. Why not go off and be a professional salsa dancer? Or travel the world meeting new people? Or become a chef, or open up a bakery, or become a Disney Princess. I'm a people person, I'm a hard worker, I can get it done right? I can be whatever I want. So why do I want to go through this hell when there are so many other things I could do? It's this nagging doubt about my abilities to succeed that lead me to wanting to quit, and someone reminding me that I should just quit instead of putting up with this isn't helpful. It just makes me think "maybe I should quit..." and it doesn't get to the heart of the issue, which is that medical school sucks but it is part of my life now. That's like someone complaining about how hard marriage is and a friend saying "well just get divorced." There are serious ramifications for just quitting, and it isn't necessarily the right idea. So no, I'm not going to quit medical school, although sometimes running away does sound like the greatest plan ever.
4. Well you knew it was going to be hard. You signed up for it..(this one is the worst)
Why this doesn't help: Because we just want to scream F-k You to whoever says this. Thanks jackass. Yes I knew medical school was going to be hard, and I did in fact sign up for it. Not only did I sign up for it, but I purposefully fought other people for this opportunity, and am paying a lot of money for this hell I am going through. But I can tell you that while I knew medical school was going to be hard and I did sign up for it, I did not know it was going to be THIS hard, and I sure didn't mean to sign up for this hell. I didn't mean to sign up for never ending discouragement and relentless inadequacy. I signed up to study to become a doctor. And if I had known what it really entailed, I'm not positive I would do it again. I'll have to see how I feel when I'm actually a doctor. But you saying this just means that not only do you not have the slightest clue what I'm going through, but you actually don't care. because if you were listening to what I was saying, you would realize that I'm in way over my head. I signed up for medical school, I didn't realize it was going to be the worst four years of my entire life. I didn't sign up for the hell I'm going through right now. I signed up for hours of studying, experience with patients, sleepless nights, long days running around a hospital. I understood all of that going in. I didn't understand that I was slowly going to question everything about myself and my ability to succeed in life every single day. I didn't sign up to cry at least once a day for two months, but I unfortunately lived through it. I didn't sign up to feel like a failure constantly while everyorne else around me seems to understand everything. And I certainly didn't sign up for this overwhelming depression and despair that seems to follow me everywhere. I had NO CLUE what I was getting into when I decided to become a doctor. And now I totally understand why all those people asked me if I was sure when I told them I wanted to be a doctor. No one actually signs up for this. We get suckered into it.
When I brought up the idea of this blog post to another medical student (who completely agreed that there are no other responses you get), she told me I should give you non-medical school friends out there advice on what to say to us when we are complaining about medical school. But to be honest, I'm not sure there is anything you can say. Certainly not the things above. Because for the most part I'm not necessarily looking for advice of any kind, I just need to tell someone what I'm going through. So a simple "man, that sounds awful! How do you cope?" Or "I'm so sorry that sounds like crap, how can I make you feel better?" would probably suffice. Or even maybe asking me what I do like about medical school. But really, I just want someone to listen to what I say and pity me and what I'm going through, because it really sucks. So while I can't tell you waht you should say, I can give you the above suggestions on what NOT to say when Suzy Mc-medical student comes and tells you about how much she hates medical school.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Why do I bother setting goals anymore?
I used to be one of those people that made a list of things to do, and felt so good about crossing each thing off the list. I was very accomplished. And I could set a goal and actually see it through.
Not so much anymore. I'm not sure if it is the stress of medical school, or the ADD that has always been hiding out finally busting lose of all boundaries and taking over my life. I can't remember the last time I actually set a goal and then kept it. I usually keep some kind of variation of it. Demanding of myself to read ten pages turns into "okay I'll just finish this last page" which then often turns into "oh fuck it I'll do it tomorrow."
I also have to bribe myself to finish a task. "Okay, type up two more learning objectives and then you can play on facebook for five minutes." Thirty minutes later I'm still on facebook. How does that thing manage to hold my attention when nothing else does? I waste so much time on it and I don't even know what I'm doing. "read one more page and then you can take a break" which will then turn into me spending an hour in someone else's study room talking to them so that if I don't accomplish my goals, at least I am not the only one.
My week goals always start out so ambitious. I will get all my work done on time, study a little something extra each day, go to teh gym, have some time to send some emails, and accomplish at least one life related task a day. Not so much. I would rather do anything but study. Unfortunately that just fills me with guilt about not studying, and I don't really know how to balance it all out.
I neither know why I bother to set goals anymore nor why I have so much trouble accomplishing them. Little things like unpacking from a trip. I get halfway through and I think of other things I want to do. I had a big pile of mail today to go through, and I got through about half of it, and then put the other envelopes in a pile of stuff to deal with later. What did I do instead? I honestly can't tell you. I think my roommate came home. and then maybe I went out to dinner. But more often than not I just sit staring at all the things I have to do without getting any of them done.
Sometimes I'll sit in a study room with my books up and will be staring at the wall thinking of absolutely nothing, because that is more stimulating to my brain than learning about sarcoidosis, which I believe is a disease no one really actually has. But for some reason I need to learn all about it.
I also find myself acting like a work out trainer, outright lying to myself about how many pages I have left to read. "Okay, just one more. Just read this one more page and you'll be done. Good! Now just one more page! Last one I promise! Just one more quick page! Keep going! You're doing great! Just one more!" Wait a second! How many was that! You said just one more twenty pages ago.
The worst though is when I actually have a productive day. A day when I accomplish and even exceed my goals. That is just a recipe for disaster for the rest of the week. Because you can gaurantee that if I got today and tomorrow's work done today, there is no way in hell I'll be able to convince myself to do anything really productive for the next week at least. I just wear myself out too much. It is a disaster.
I quickly learned not to overexert myself, because the consequences of doing more work than I should was a disaster. Somehow it was better to only barely accomplish things. It keep the mystery in the relationship still alive. I had to find out more about it tomorrow. And so I sitll make lists, but it seems that for each thing I cross off I add at least twelve more. And I never know if everything or anything is going to be accomplished.
It is a daily struggle with myself, constantly hoping that today will be the day I actually get things done. It is of course worse with studying, but it creeps into the rest of my life as well. I have so much trouble balancing the two. The question really is, why do I think each day is going to be different? Why do I wake up in the morning, make a list of things to do, and then not get any of them accomplished? What is the point? And how do I get out of this vicious cycle? Besides getting a diagnosis of ADHD and getting some Ritalin to get me through my day, I really can't think of an option. Even as I'm sitting here I'm making my list of things to do tomorrow. And they are all so grandious. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe instead of saying "tomorrow I will read all of FirstAid, do 200 practice questions, and read through all the pharm cards" I should set more accomplishable goals, like "tomororw I will open my first Aid and finish the chapter I started. I will then do 48 questions and see how I feel from there, I'll take a little nap, get up and see what I want to do next, but hopefully it will involve some pharm cards and some more questions." That even might be too ambitious, I'm not quite sure. I can never tell if I put a larger variety of things to get half done will I be more accomplished than if I just have one long boring thing that I have to do all day until it is done? Which will suit my purpose better.
Either way, it is equally depressing when I cannot accomplish any of my tasks, no matter what they are. Whether it is one simple yet long task (finishing a complete chapter in a book) or a bunch of little things (ten pharm cards, five pages in first aid, 48 questions, nap), I feel equally ashamed of myself when the only thing I've acomplished that day is to take a nap.
When I was interviewing for medical school I talked about how I thrived off stress. I needed a constant level of activity and things to do in order to get anything done. That used to be very true, and I thought it would help me get through medical school. I was a big fan of crunch time. I could get that paper done only because there was another one to write afterwards, and then a test to study for, and work to do, and people to counsel, and organizations to run, and activities to plan. But I managed to get it all done.
Then somewhere along the line in medical school, I got twice as much stuff to do and half the ambition to do it. Why medical school? Why have you robbed me of my ability to get things done? And will it ever come back? Because I can tell you, my "I'll do it tomorrow" attitude gets me no where. Saying I'll return that email another day means I will maybe remember in three months that you emailed me. Saying I'll do my evaluations when I have more time to sit and pay attention to them means they will get done the day I get sent an email about how if I don't finish my evaluations I will not get to be a doctor. It is not good, and makes me worry about my future ability to handle a real job and real life.
Lately my goal has been to accomplish some of my goals each day. That holds true again tomorrow. For tonight, I'm going to go do something that doesn't matter or make any sense to my future, just like usual. Maybe, if I made my goals to ignore my homework and instead to do things like play on facebook for six hours and wander around the library in search of someone to talk to, I'll by some playing of the mind get myself to actually study. Hmmmm, I may be on to something here...
Not so much anymore. I'm not sure if it is the stress of medical school, or the ADD that has always been hiding out finally busting lose of all boundaries and taking over my life. I can't remember the last time I actually set a goal and then kept it. I usually keep some kind of variation of it. Demanding of myself to read ten pages turns into "okay I'll just finish this last page" which then often turns into "oh fuck it I'll do it tomorrow."
I also have to bribe myself to finish a task. "Okay, type up two more learning objectives and then you can play on facebook for five minutes." Thirty minutes later I'm still on facebook. How does that thing manage to hold my attention when nothing else does? I waste so much time on it and I don't even know what I'm doing. "read one more page and then you can take a break" which will then turn into me spending an hour in someone else's study room talking to them so that if I don't accomplish my goals, at least I am not the only one.
My week goals always start out so ambitious. I will get all my work done on time, study a little something extra each day, go to teh gym, have some time to send some emails, and accomplish at least one life related task a day. Not so much. I would rather do anything but study. Unfortunately that just fills me with guilt about not studying, and I don't really know how to balance it all out.
I neither know why I bother to set goals anymore nor why I have so much trouble accomplishing them. Little things like unpacking from a trip. I get halfway through and I think of other things I want to do. I had a big pile of mail today to go through, and I got through about half of it, and then put the other envelopes in a pile of stuff to deal with later. What did I do instead? I honestly can't tell you. I think my roommate came home. and then maybe I went out to dinner. But more often than not I just sit staring at all the things I have to do without getting any of them done.
Sometimes I'll sit in a study room with my books up and will be staring at the wall thinking of absolutely nothing, because that is more stimulating to my brain than learning about sarcoidosis, which I believe is a disease no one really actually has. But for some reason I need to learn all about it.
I also find myself acting like a work out trainer, outright lying to myself about how many pages I have left to read. "Okay, just one more. Just read this one more page and you'll be done. Good! Now just one more page! Last one I promise! Just one more quick page! Keep going! You're doing great! Just one more!" Wait a second! How many was that! You said just one more twenty pages ago.
The worst though is when I actually have a productive day. A day when I accomplish and even exceed my goals. That is just a recipe for disaster for the rest of the week. Because you can gaurantee that if I got today and tomorrow's work done today, there is no way in hell I'll be able to convince myself to do anything really productive for the next week at least. I just wear myself out too much. It is a disaster.
I quickly learned not to overexert myself, because the consequences of doing more work than I should was a disaster. Somehow it was better to only barely accomplish things. It keep the mystery in the relationship still alive. I had to find out more about it tomorrow. And so I sitll make lists, but it seems that for each thing I cross off I add at least twelve more. And I never know if everything or anything is going to be accomplished.
It is a daily struggle with myself, constantly hoping that today will be the day I actually get things done. It is of course worse with studying, but it creeps into the rest of my life as well. I have so much trouble balancing the two. The question really is, why do I think each day is going to be different? Why do I wake up in the morning, make a list of things to do, and then not get any of them accomplished? What is the point? And how do I get out of this vicious cycle? Besides getting a diagnosis of ADHD and getting some Ritalin to get me through my day, I really can't think of an option. Even as I'm sitting here I'm making my list of things to do tomorrow. And they are all so grandious. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe instead of saying "tomorrow I will read all of FirstAid, do 200 practice questions, and read through all the pharm cards" I should set more accomplishable goals, like "tomororw I will open my first Aid and finish the chapter I started. I will then do 48 questions and see how I feel from there, I'll take a little nap, get up and see what I want to do next, but hopefully it will involve some pharm cards and some more questions." That even might be too ambitious, I'm not quite sure. I can never tell if I put a larger variety of things to get half done will I be more accomplished than if I just have one long boring thing that I have to do all day until it is done? Which will suit my purpose better.
Either way, it is equally depressing when I cannot accomplish any of my tasks, no matter what they are. Whether it is one simple yet long task (finishing a complete chapter in a book) or a bunch of little things (ten pharm cards, five pages in first aid, 48 questions, nap), I feel equally ashamed of myself when the only thing I've acomplished that day is to take a nap.
When I was interviewing for medical school I talked about how I thrived off stress. I needed a constant level of activity and things to do in order to get anything done. That used to be very true, and I thought it would help me get through medical school. I was a big fan of crunch time. I could get that paper done only because there was another one to write afterwards, and then a test to study for, and work to do, and people to counsel, and organizations to run, and activities to plan. But I managed to get it all done.
Then somewhere along the line in medical school, I got twice as much stuff to do and half the ambition to do it. Why medical school? Why have you robbed me of my ability to get things done? And will it ever come back? Because I can tell you, my "I'll do it tomorrow" attitude gets me no where. Saying I'll return that email another day means I will maybe remember in three months that you emailed me. Saying I'll do my evaluations when I have more time to sit and pay attention to them means they will get done the day I get sent an email about how if I don't finish my evaluations I will not get to be a doctor. It is not good, and makes me worry about my future ability to handle a real job and real life.
Lately my goal has been to accomplish some of my goals each day. That holds true again tomorrow. For tonight, I'm going to go do something that doesn't matter or make any sense to my future, just like usual. Maybe, if I made my goals to ignore my homework and instead to do things like play on facebook for six hours and wander around the library in search of someone to talk to, I'll by some playing of the mind get myself to actually study. Hmmmm, I may be on to something here...
Friday, July 2, 2010
Medical schơol is no place for a hypochondriac
I am convinced that all medical students are crazy. Some of them may hide it better than others, but there has to be some sort of craziness in all of us to be going through what we are going through, and willing ask for more. The two most common crazies I notice are OCD and hypochondriacs. If you weren't one of those before you got in, you are at least one now, maybe both. This blog is for us hypochondriacs.
It's hard not to be one when you are surrounded by diseases all day every day. You would think that in learning about all these diseases, we would be able to safely say, "nope, I don't have that."
But so many diseases have these non-specific symptoms. and all of a suđden it is like watching a anti-depressant commercial. Symptoms like fatigue (why yes, I am very tired lately), listlessness (hmmm...I've got that tơo), general not fêeling well (you're right, I don't fêel well), sore throat (my throat has bêen hurting a little bit more of late), fever (is it hot in here or just me?), cold intolerance (can we turn up the heat? where is my blanket?), aches and pains, dizziness, confusion, headaches, heart palpitations. All of a suđden you are diagnosing yourself with pneumonia, cancer, frontal lobe lesions, some exotic parasite from that time five years ago you went to that one country and ate that one thing, you KNEW you shouldn't have eatten it, but you did. And now you are going to die. And what's worse, is that we don't learn about the normal, fairly mundane and harmless diseases. We learn about the diseases that hit you all of a suđden and next thing you know you are dead.
It's a scary, scary place to be. AT some point or another I think all medical students have learned about a disease and thought "OMG I have that..." I actually went and had blơod tests done to prove that something is wrong with me. Whatever it is it is not in my blơod. I'm convinced an MRI will show some crazy abnormality that is eventually going to be the death of me.
First year was very difficult for me. I thought I had leukemia for most of the year. Yes I am tired more than usual, lacking lots of energy. It MUST be leukemia. Couldn't possibly be due to the total lack of slêep I'm getting these days. I think I do have a heart murmur, and kidney disease, and lung dysfunction. And I must have some bacterial process going on, attacking my insides as I sit here learning about them.
Second year I got a little better. Neurology didn't instill quite as much fear in me as the other blocks. I was pretty sure that I didn't have ALS (yet), or parkinsons, or a spinal cord lesion. I was so proud of myself because I stopped thinking "OMG I have that."
Until we got to the psych section of our learning, which is interspersed throughout the first two years. Then I felt like the posterchild for every disease out there. Yes I do have depression, and an anxiety disorder, wow panic disorder really explains me, rejection hypersensitivity, that would make sense, I think I do have a front lobe lesion leading to disinhibition, maybe I am bipolar, I sometimes maybe hear voices maybe? I have lost all interest in things that I used to enjoy, for example, medicine. Psych was definitely the worst. I diagnosed myself with every depressive/anxiety disease that was out there.
My favorite day in class though, was when we learned about autism. I for once did not think I had autism. I sat through there diagnosing other people I knew with high functioning autism. And from both sides of my classmates turned to me while learning about autism and said "I think I have that..." It was hilarious. I think it owuld have bêen caught by now if you had autism. But maybe not. Maybe we are all just high functioning autistic kids...It would explain a lot.
So as I sit studying new diseases, everything becomes more terrifying for me. Infectious disease: that class made me not want to leave my house, eat, or travel ever again. Those bugs are everywhere! And as I started studying for the boards, I convinced myself I have more and more diseases. All evidence is to the contrary, and I have enough sense left in me not to go to the doctor (I think I'm the only hypochondriac who is afraid of doctors), but still, dêep down I am positive I am diseased.
I'm hoping that as I transition from student into doctor, that fêeling will go away. I'll be able to diagnose things without fear that I tơo have those symptoms. But I'm not positive that is going to happen. So if anyone nêeds a someone to test out their MRI machine, let me know. I would love to sêe what is going on inside me. I know it is in there, just waiting to get me when I least expect it...
It's hard not to be one when you are surrounded by diseases all day every day. You would think that in learning about all these diseases, we would be able to safely say, "nope, I don't have that."
But so many diseases have these non-specific symptoms. and all of a suđden it is like watching a anti-depressant commercial. Symptoms like fatigue (why yes, I am very tired lately), listlessness (hmmm...I've got that tơo), general not fêeling well (you're right, I don't fêel well), sore throat (my throat has bêen hurting a little bit more of late), fever (is it hot in here or just me?), cold intolerance (can we turn up the heat? where is my blanket?), aches and pains, dizziness, confusion, headaches, heart palpitations. All of a suđden you are diagnosing yourself with pneumonia, cancer, frontal lobe lesions, some exotic parasite from that time five years ago you went to that one country and ate that one thing, you KNEW you shouldn't have eatten it, but you did. And now you are going to die. And what's worse, is that we don't learn about the normal, fairly mundane and harmless diseases. We learn about the diseases that hit you all of a suđden and next thing you know you are dead.
It's a scary, scary place to be. AT some point or another I think all medical students have learned about a disease and thought "OMG I have that..." I actually went and had blơod tests done to prove that something is wrong with me. Whatever it is it is not in my blơod. I'm convinced an MRI will show some crazy abnormality that is eventually going to be the death of me.
First year was very difficult for me. I thought I had leukemia for most of the year. Yes I am tired more than usual, lacking lots of energy. It MUST be leukemia. Couldn't possibly be due to the total lack of slêep I'm getting these days. I think I do have a heart murmur, and kidney disease, and lung dysfunction. And I must have some bacterial process going on, attacking my insides as I sit here learning about them.
Second year I got a little better. Neurology didn't instill quite as much fear in me as the other blocks. I was pretty sure that I didn't have ALS (yet), or parkinsons, or a spinal cord lesion. I was so proud of myself because I stopped thinking "OMG I have that."
Until we got to the psych section of our learning, which is interspersed throughout the first two years. Then I felt like the posterchild for every disease out there. Yes I do have depression, and an anxiety disorder, wow panic disorder really explains me, rejection hypersensitivity, that would make sense, I think I do have a front lobe lesion leading to disinhibition, maybe I am bipolar, I sometimes maybe hear voices maybe? I have lost all interest in things that I used to enjoy, for example, medicine. Psych was definitely the worst. I diagnosed myself with every depressive/anxiety disease that was out there.
My favorite day in class though, was when we learned about autism. I for once did not think I had autism. I sat through there diagnosing other people I knew with high functioning autism. And from both sides of my classmates turned to me while learning about autism and said "I think I have that..." It was hilarious. I think it owuld have bêen caught by now if you had autism. But maybe not. Maybe we are all just high functioning autistic kids...It would explain a lot.
So as I sit studying new diseases, everything becomes more terrifying for me. Infectious disease: that class made me not want to leave my house, eat, or travel ever again. Those bugs are everywhere! And as I started studying for the boards, I convinced myself I have more and more diseases. All evidence is to the contrary, and I have enough sense left in me not to go to the doctor (I think I'm the only hypochondriac who is afraid of doctors), but still, dêep down I am positive I am diseased.
I'm hoping that as I transition from student into doctor, that fêeling will go away. I'll be able to diagnose things without fear that I tơo have those symptoms. But I'm not positive that is going to happen. So if anyone nêeds a someone to test out their MRI machine, let me know. I would love to sêe what is going on inside me. I know it is in there, just waiting to get me when I least expect it...
Thursday, July 1, 2010
I'm only allowed one fun per week
Ever heard that saying "I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either..." That is how I feel about anything non-studying related. I can only do one non-studying thing a day, which makes it really hard to be an adult and handle medical school at the same time. And I certainly can only have fun once a week (what we call our one fun per week). Sometimes when friends call to see if I want to meet up all I can think is "I can only have one fun per week. This is not your week. Next week doesn't look good either." And it isn't becaue I don't want to spend time with my friends, I love them, and I love having friend both in and out of medical school. But if I spend too much time away from my books I feel a sense of panic filling me up, that no one but another medical student can understand. And, for all my non-medical school friend out there, I would just like you all to know that I generally have more fun than a lot of other medical students. So just think about that when I can't go to Film on the Rocks or Trivia every week :( or salsa dancing as much as I want to. Or even to the gym more than twice a week it feels.
I remember one time last year I was studying, I'd been trapped at home for a couple of days due to the snow, and a friend came to pick me up and take me boot shopping. And I found boots fairly quickly within the venture, and then decided that it was mean to not spend more time with her, so suggested we grab some coffee. About fifteen minutes into coffee time, I started panicking. I couldn't believe that I was out of my house, not studying. All I could think about was getting back to my studies. It was awful. I think during second semester of my second year I did actually put fun to a stop in the middle of the fun more than once saying I had to go study. I once didn't let my mom finish a story because a panic attack started.
The problem is, there is always more studying that we could do. Taking a day off is a big deal, because think of all you could have learned in that day! Think of what you could have learned in that half hour! So we put things on the backburner. We start by eliminating big things. Date nights, movies with friends, dinner out more than once a week. And we feel like we're doing okay, balancing studying with a social life. Some people are better at it than others.
But then...then it starts getting to be too much. Every second we are away from studying we feel like we should be studying. Now granted, not every second I spend studying is actually spent studying. But if I'm not studying I'm generally obsessing over how I should be studying. Luckily I've gotten a bit better at repressing these panic attacks, but they can get bad. It gets to the point where anything not studying is considered a study break. And suddenly my fun for the day has become washing the dishes, or folding laundry. Or updating this blog.
putting gas in my car is the bane of my existence. It literally takes ten minutes, but I never want to spend that ten minutes stopping at a gas station. Think of all the steps! All the wasted time! I have to park my car, get out of my car, stand there while it takes forever to pump, and then get back in my car and go on with my day. I cannot count the number of times I've come close to not making it to my destination because for three days in a row I've told myself I'll get gas on the way home, or tomorrow on the way to school.
Every little thing starts to take so much energy from us, and we stop being able to balance things well. All of a sudden I realized that I'm almost a month late on my car insurance, which I only pay once every six months. So technically I was uninsured for awhile there. Because putting a check in an envelope and then getting that envelope stamped and into a mail box?! Who has time for that? Laundry piles up on my floor. The dirty laundry manages to get into the hamper. Sometimes it even makes it into the wash machine and dryer. But then it lives in a basket on my floor for a couple weeks. I'm convinced if I just stare at it long enough it will fold itself, but it never does. And it always seems easier for me to just pull clothes out of that basket than put them away just to pull them back out again when I want to wear them. Jackets, piled up on the floor. It's a mess. And my room/car are just metaphors for my life at this point.
I remember in high school, the law of entropy (which states that as you expend energy you increase the entropy/disorder of a system) being explained like this: it's like your room. You have it all neat and organized. But then as you spend energy in other things, you don't have the energy to keep your room neat. So you throw things on the floor instead of hanging them up. And disorder ensues. The more tired you get, the more energy you've spent, the more disordered things become." I have sense learned that that is not really an accurate portrayal of entropy, but that is still how I think about it. And it is so true. As I use energy trying to study, I don't have enough to keep my life in order. I only have enough energy for the one thing.
I need to make a dentist appointment. Right now is the perfect time to do it. I have free time as I study. I can't do it while I'm in rotations. But I don't even have the energy to pick up the phone and call my dentist to set up the appointment! Because I could be doing something else in that precious thirty seconds it will take to get a dental appointment. That and I really just don't want to go to the dentist...
Or take for example the fact that when I was at Denver Health doing a rotation, I and a couple other medical students stopped paying for parking. We didn't do it because we were poor medical students who couldn't afford it. Each of us were willing to pay the parking, even if it is crap for us to have to pay for parking. All of us stopped paying for parking because we didn't want to take the time to park our car, walk down to the machine, give it two dollars, get a ticket, and walk BACK to our car to put the ticket in the window just to walk BACK to where the machine was because it is right by the entrance to the hospital. That takes like a whole ten minutes! So when I got a parking ticket, totally thought it was worth it, and would do the same thing again. In fact, I was trying to think of ways to continue getting out of paying for parking, like leaving the ticket in my door so that it looked like they'd already given me a ticket that day and would just continue on. But I felt like that would explode in my face.
And what did I do with that ticket? I waited until two days before it was due to pay it. There was a problem with the ticket and I needed to talk to someone about it, but I just could not make the time to pick up the phone and call about it. And I ended up flying downtown and running into the office as they were locking the doors (holding them open for another medical student in the same boat) to pay the damned thing...
Studying in medical school is a lot like a mother's work...it is never done. There is always something more to learn, more time you could spend doing practice questions,more time you could spend re-writing your notes, memorizing facts, making flash cards. And so everything else gets put on hold. And everything seems like a huge deal. What?! Send a payment in the mail?! I can barely find the time to pay my online bills! Clean my room?! Are you kidding me? I can't even put my clothes away. Everything goes on the backburner. Even eating. I once had a snickers bar for dinner because I couldn't put in the effort to feed myself. And this was when I lived at home and there was always food in the fridge. Today I ate half cold ravioli because I couldn't be bothered to put it back in the fridge.
However, since all medical students are partially OCD, and if we aren't, we become that way while in school, we cannot last this way. So we do things in big spurts. I start by doing my laundry, then decide to clean my whole room, then while I'm at it, might as well clean the bathroom, and the kitchen, and do my dishes, and take out the garbage. And go get a car wash. and before I know it, the entire day is gone, and I haven't studied at all because I was cleaning up. And sure, I feel better (because often when I clean my room my life seems like less of a mess) that I have a clean space, and I can start afresh tomorrow. But when tomorrow comes, guaranteed I am going to have a freak out about how I didn't study today, how I wasted the whole day cleaning and paying bills and all the other life things I have to do.
And that is why your medical school friends can't go out to dinner. Because if it were just a choice between you and studying, you would win. But if we go out to dinner with you, that's a whole evening of studying we couldn't get done, so we have to do it later. Which means we can't go to the gas station, or the grocery store, because we have to study.
Medical student's worst waste of time? Sitting in traffic. Because you can't even pretend to study then. There is NOTHING you can do but sit there and think about how you should be studying.
So I'm sorry, I can only have one fun per week. This may not be your week. Next week may not look good either. And while you think it is totally ridiculous for me to make plans to hang out with you in a month and a half, it makes total sense to me. I will work my entire schedule for that week around our one activity. But Ican only have that one activity that week. It's a lot of pressure. So go easy on us, dear non-medical student friends. A lot of work goes into this...
I remember one time last year I was studying, I'd been trapped at home for a couple of days due to the snow, and a friend came to pick me up and take me boot shopping. And I found boots fairly quickly within the venture, and then decided that it was mean to not spend more time with her, so suggested we grab some coffee. About fifteen minutes into coffee time, I started panicking. I couldn't believe that I was out of my house, not studying. All I could think about was getting back to my studies. It was awful. I think during second semester of my second year I did actually put fun to a stop in the middle of the fun more than once saying I had to go study. I once didn't let my mom finish a story because a panic attack started.
The problem is, there is always more studying that we could do. Taking a day off is a big deal, because think of all you could have learned in that day! Think of what you could have learned in that half hour! So we put things on the backburner. We start by eliminating big things. Date nights, movies with friends, dinner out more than once a week. And we feel like we're doing okay, balancing studying with a social life. Some people are better at it than others.
But then...then it starts getting to be too much. Every second we are away from studying we feel like we should be studying. Now granted, not every second I spend studying is actually spent studying. But if I'm not studying I'm generally obsessing over how I should be studying. Luckily I've gotten a bit better at repressing these panic attacks, but they can get bad. It gets to the point where anything not studying is considered a study break. And suddenly my fun for the day has become washing the dishes, or folding laundry. Or updating this blog.
putting gas in my car is the bane of my existence. It literally takes ten minutes, but I never want to spend that ten minutes stopping at a gas station. Think of all the steps! All the wasted time! I have to park my car, get out of my car, stand there while it takes forever to pump, and then get back in my car and go on with my day. I cannot count the number of times I've come close to not making it to my destination because for three days in a row I've told myself I'll get gas on the way home, or tomorrow on the way to school.
Every little thing starts to take so much energy from us, and we stop being able to balance things well. All of a sudden I realized that I'm almost a month late on my car insurance, which I only pay once every six months. So technically I was uninsured for awhile there. Because putting a check in an envelope and then getting that envelope stamped and into a mail box?! Who has time for that? Laundry piles up on my floor. The dirty laundry manages to get into the hamper. Sometimes it even makes it into the wash machine and dryer. But then it lives in a basket on my floor for a couple weeks. I'm convinced if I just stare at it long enough it will fold itself, but it never does. And it always seems easier for me to just pull clothes out of that basket than put them away just to pull them back out again when I want to wear them. Jackets, piled up on the floor. It's a mess. And my room/car are just metaphors for my life at this point.
I remember in high school, the law of entropy (which states that as you expend energy you increase the entropy/disorder of a system) being explained like this: it's like your room. You have it all neat and organized. But then as you spend energy in other things, you don't have the energy to keep your room neat. So you throw things on the floor instead of hanging them up. And disorder ensues. The more tired you get, the more energy you've spent, the more disordered things become." I have sense learned that that is not really an accurate portrayal of entropy, but that is still how I think about it. And it is so true. As I use energy trying to study, I don't have enough to keep my life in order. I only have enough energy for the one thing.
I need to make a dentist appointment. Right now is the perfect time to do it. I have free time as I study. I can't do it while I'm in rotations. But I don't even have the energy to pick up the phone and call my dentist to set up the appointment! Because I could be doing something else in that precious thirty seconds it will take to get a dental appointment. That and I really just don't want to go to the dentist...
Or take for example the fact that when I was at Denver Health doing a rotation, I and a couple other medical students stopped paying for parking. We didn't do it because we were poor medical students who couldn't afford it. Each of us were willing to pay the parking, even if it is crap for us to have to pay for parking. All of us stopped paying for parking because we didn't want to take the time to park our car, walk down to the machine, give it two dollars, get a ticket, and walk BACK to our car to put the ticket in the window just to walk BACK to where the machine was because it is right by the entrance to the hospital. That takes like a whole ten minutes! So when I got a parking ticket, totally thought it was worth it, and would do the same thing again. In fact, I was trying to think of ways to continue getting out of paying for parking, like leaving the ticket in my door so that it looked like they'd already given me a ticket that day and would just continue on. But I felt like that would explode in my face.
And what did I do with that ticket? I waited until two days before it was due to pay it. There was a problem with the ticket and I needed to talk to someone about it, but I just could not make the time to pick up the phone and call about it. And I ended up flying downtown and running into the office as they were locking the doors (holding them open for another medical student in the same boat) to pay the damned thing...
Studying in medical school is a lot like a mother's work...it is never done. There is always something more to learn, more time you could spend doing practice questions,more time you could spend re-writing your notes, memorizing facts, making flash cards. And so everything else gets put on hold. And everything seems like a huge deal. What?! Send a payment in the mail?! I can barely find the time to pay my online bills! Clean my room?! Are you kidding me? I can't even put my clothes away. Everything goes on the backburner. Even eating. I once had a snickers bar for dinner because I couldn't put in the effort to feed myself. And this was when I lived at home and there was always food in the fridge. Today I ate half cold ravioli because I couldn't be bothered to put it back in the fridge.
However, since all medical students are partially OCD, and if we aren't, we become that way while in school, we cannot last this way. So we do things in big spurts. I start by doing my laundry, then decide to clean my whole room, then while I'm at it, might as well clean the bathroom, and the kitchen, and do my dishes, and take out the garbage. And go get a car wash. and before I know it, the entire day is gone, and I haven't studied at all because I was cleaning up. And sure, I feel better (because often when I clean my room my life seems like less of a mess) that I have a clean space, and I can start afresh tomorrow. But when tomorrow comes, guaranteed I am going to have a freak out about how I didn't study today, how I wasted the whole day cleaning and paying bills and all the other life things I have to do.
And that is why your medical school friends can't go out to dinner. Because if it were just a choice between you and studying, you would win. But if we go out to dinner with you, that's a whole evening of studying we couldn't get done, so we have to do it later. Which means we can't go to the gas station, or the grocery store, because we have to study.
Medical student's worst waste of time? Sitting in traffic. Because you can't even pretend to study then. There is NOTHING you can do but sit there and think about how you should be studying.
So I'm sorry, I can only have one fun per week. This may not be your week. Next week may not look good either. And while you think it is totally ridiculous for me to make plans to hang out with you in a month and a half, it makes total sense to me. I will work my entire schedule for that week around our one activity. But Ican only have that one activity that week. It's a lot of pressure. So go easy on us, dear non-medical student friends. A lot of work goes into this...
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
No I am not going to medical school to become a nurse
Okay, let me start out by saying that I have nothing but love and respect for nurses. They are the best. They know everything that is going on all the time, can totally help you out in any situation, and do a job that I would never in a million years be willing or able to do. They put up with a lot of crap from patients, families, and doctors. In short, they are amazing, and if you don't respect nurses, I don't respect you.
That being said, I am not a nurse. I am not a pharmacist, or a physician's assistant, a CNA, a dentist, or anything else you can think of. I'm not spending four years of my life and more money than I want to discuss to be anything but a DOCTOR. The big MD. And if I'm putting in all this time and crap, I want people to recognize. Why do people think that medical school is for nurses? Nursing school is for nurses. Pharmacy school is for pharmacists. MEDICAL SCHOOL IS FOR DOCTORS! What? Because I'm a woman who wants to go into the medical field I have to be a nurse? No sir. The times they are a-changing, and more woman are becoming doctors than nurses. So check yourself fool!
Am I right? I know that I am not the only girl who class who when people ask "hey, what do you do for a living?" and I say "I'm a medical student." I cannot STAND when that person says "oh, to be a nurse?"
Why? Why do you assume I'm going to be a nurse? I swear it is because I'm a woman. None of my guy friends have reported this having happened to them. What else could it be? Why would someone just assume nurse instead of doctor? Do I not look whatever enough to be a doctor? I'm not saying being a nurse is a bad thing, or a degrading thing. All I'm saying is that if I wanted to be a nurse I would have gone to nursing school. Maybe it is just the overwhelming self-doubt that rules my world anymore. The fact that no one would look at me and say "of course, a doctor, you would make a fantastic doctor" on first meeting me, just feeds into my insecurity of being able to be a doctor. It just flows out of their mouths so easily "oh to be a nurse?" Should I be a nurse instead? Or a pharmacist? Or a dentist? Did I make a mistake? What was I thinking? No one will ever take me seriously as a doctor, they already can't envision me as a doctor!
I'm not sure how to write this without offending nurses, because honestly they are amazing, smart, fantastic people. But I am not one of them. And the crap I'm going through to become a doctor is different than the crap they went through to become nurses, and I feel the need to let people know that medical school= doctor. So while I don't think poorly of nurses or think I'm better than them, I want everyone to know I'm going to be a doctor. We all go into our chosen fields for a reason. People become nurses for a different reason than we crazies go to medical school. We want to be doctors. Nothing else will do for us. Sure, we sometimes think we are better than anyone else, but most doctors understand that they are nothing without nurses. We just don't want to be them. And I don't want people to ask me if I am one.
So, for the last time, no, I am not in medical school to be a nurse. I'm in medical school to become a doctor. Please get that straight. Medical school is for doctors. Just because I'm a woman in health care does not mean I am a nurse.
Medical school=doctor. Please remember this.
That being said, I am not a nurse. I am not a pharmacist, or a physician's assistant, a CNA, a dentist, or anything else you can think of. I'm not spending four years of my life and more money than I want to discuss to be anything but a DOCTOR. The big MD. And if I'm putting in all this time and crap, I want people to recognize. Why do people think that medical school is for nurses? Nursing school is for nurses. Pharmacy school is for pharmacists. MEDICAL SCHOOL IS FOR DOCTORS! What? Because I'm a woman who wants to go into the medical field I have to be a nurse? No sir. The times they are a-changing, and more woman are becoming doctors than nurses. So check yourself fool!
Am I right? I know that I am not the only girl who class who when people ask "hey, what do you do for a living?" and I say "I'm a medical student." I cannot STAND when that person says "oh, to be a nurse?"
Why? Why do you assume I'm going to be a nurse? I swear it is because I'm a woman. None of my guy friends have reported this having happened to them. What else could it be? Why would someone just assume nurse instead of doctor? Do I not look whatever enough to be a doctor? I'm not saying being a nurse is a bad thing, or a degrading thing. All I'm saying is that if I wanted to be a nurse I would have gone to nursing school. Maybe it is just the overwhelming self-doubt that rules my world anymore. The fact that no one would look at me and say "of course, a doctor, you would make a fantastic doctor" on first meeting me, just feeds into my insecurity of being able to be a doctor. It just flows out of their mouths so easily "oh to be a nurse?" Should I be a nurse instead? Or a pharmacist? Or a dentist? Did I make a mistake? What was I thinking? No one will ever take me seriously as a doctor, they already can't envision me as a doctor!
I'm not sure how to write this without offending nurses, because honestly they are amazing, smart, fantastic people. But I am not one of them. And the crap I'm going through to become a doctor is different than the crap they went through to become nurses, and I feel the need to let people know that medical school= doctor. So while I don't think poorly of nurses or think I'm better than them, I want everyone to know I'm going to be a doctor. We all go into our chosen fields for a reason. People become nurses for a different reason than we crazies go to medical school. We want to be doctors. Nothing else will do for us. Sure, we sometimes think we are better than anyone else, but most doctors understand that they are nothing without nurses. We just don't want to be them. And I don't want people to ask me if I am one.
So, for the last time, no, I am not in medical school to be a nurse. I'm in medical school to become a doctor. Please get that straight. Medical school is for doctors. Just because I'm a woman in health care does not mean I am a nurse.
Medical school=doctor. Please remember this.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Learn to play up your assets
We all realize quickly in medical school that while in fact we may no longer be good at what we used to think we were good at (mainly studying and getting good grades), we are all in fact good at something. and you just have to figure out what that something is and how to use it to your advantage.
I learned early that apparently people find me hilarious. It is a great asset to have, because people find my sarcasm and smarminess to be funny, so I can constantly bitch about things I hate or people that drive me crazy and instead of being seen as that negative person who never has anything nice to say about anyone, I'm seen as that funny girl that can make people laugh. It's good for everyone, because laughing increases good feelings (which many of us don't have much of anymore) and I get to get a lot of things off my chest.
I'm also good at a lot of other things, some that are new discoveries and some that I'd always known. And since I am no longer good at studying (which I should be doing right now instead of blogging) or getting good grades, I have to use my other assets to my advantage. One of them is that I find it very easy to talk to faculty and get myself involved in organizations that get me noticed. I like being the girl everyone knows. I like being known for being outspoken and saying what others are thinking, for being the go-to person when someone needs something done, and having people know and remember who I am. I like planning events (but don't like cleaning up after them) and I like being a member of different organizations on campus.
Why am I boring you with the things I'm good at? Because medical school is great at making you feel like you aren't good at anything anymore, and so you have to hold on to the things you are good at, even if they don't seem to have any relevance to succeeding as a doctor. The fact that I can make people laugh while I bitch means I will always have some kind of way to vent. The fact that I like to be a go-getter, but can do it without making other people look like they are slacking, makes me noticed by residents and interns and attendings as a strong medical student. And the fact that I know people in high places who respect me for the work I've done means I'll have good letters of rec for residency, since my grades are not going to get me very far.
My favorite example of using my assets was during anatomy. I hated dissection lab. I thoguht it was the worst possible thing I could have to go through. I rarely found any of it interesting, mostly it was gross. I had a lab partner, however, who found everything fascinating. One day I realized that sometimes, if I said that I found something interesting, she would come over to see, and slowly take my work away from me. I would joke that all of a sudden the scalpel would be out of my hands and I'd be pushed across the room. I noticed this, and eventually used it to my benefit. Some people may consider this me playing someone, but I'm okay with that. Because when I'd get bored with dissecting or didn't want to do it anymore, I'd just mention how awesome what I was doing was, and all of a sudden my lab partner would be dissecting for me. And I could take a little break. What did she get in exchange? She learned way more anatomy than me, and apparently she found my jokes funny enough to get us through lab. Gotta use what you've got.
Everyone has random skills that are going to help them get through medical school, and if they are lucky, get someone else through medical school as well. They may not seem super important, but you have to take what you can get. Sure, I can't memorize all the drug interactions I'm going to have to know for the boards. But I can figure out the system of the hospital I'm in so I get my work done in half the time and have time to go study all the stuff I don't know. I may not be able to cure anyone at this point of anything, but I can make my patients feel at ease in the hospital and like they have someone working hard for them while I either try to figure it out or let the real doctors fix things. All of these little things are what gets us through, makes us good, and we can do all of it without being an asshole. So take a second and think about your special skill. Everyone has one, and no matter how small or insignificant it may seem to you, you need to figure out how it is going to help you be an awesome doctor and get through this hell we call medical school.
I learned early that apparently people find me hilarious. It is a great asset to have, because people find my sarcasm and smarminess to be funny, so I can constantly bitch about things I hate or people that drive me crazy and instead of being seen as that negative person who never has anything nice to say about anyone, I'm seen as that funny girl that can make people laugh. It's good for everyone, because laughing increases good feelings (which many of us don't have much of anymore) and I get to get a lot of things off my chest.
I'm also good at a lot of other things, some that are new discoveries and some that I'd always known. And since I am no longer good at studying (which I should be doing right now instead of blogging) or getting good grades, I have to use my other assets to my advantage. One of them is that I find it very easy to talk to faculty and get myself involved in organizations that get me noticed. I like being the girl everyone knows. I like being known for being outspoken and saying what others are thinking, for being the go-to person when someone needs something done, and having people know and remember who I am. I like planning events (but don't like cleaning up after them) and I like being a member of different organizations on campus.
Why am I boring you with the things I'm good at? Because medical school is great at making you feel like you aren't good at anything anymore, and so you have to hold on to the things you are good at, even if they don't seem to have any relevance to succeeding as a doctor. The fact that I can make people laugh while I bitch means I will always have some kind of way to vent. The fact that I like to be a go-getter, but can do it without making other people look like they are slacking, makes me noticed by residents and interns and attendings as a strong medical student. And the fact that I know people in high places who respect me for the work I've done means I'll have good letters of rec for residency, since my grades are not going to get me very far.
My favorite example of using my assets was during anatomy. I hated dissection lab. I thoguht it was the worst possible thing I could have to go through. I rarely found any of it interesting, mostly it was gross. I had a lab partner, however, who found everything fascinating. One day I realized that sometimes, if I said that I found something interesting, she would come over to see, and slowly take my work away from me. I would joke that all of a sudden the scalpel would be out of my hands and I'd be pushed across the room. I noticed this, and eventually used it to my benefit. Some people may consider this me playing someone, but I'm okay with that. Because when I'd get bored with dissecting or didn't want to do it anymore, I'd just mention how awesome what I was doing was, and all of a sudden my lab partner would be dissecting for me. And I could take a little break. What did she get in exchange? She learned way more anatomy than me, and apparently she found my jokes funny enough to get us through lab. Gotta use what you've got.
Everyone has random skills that are going to help them get through medical school, and if they are lucky, get someone else through medical school as well. They may not seem super important, but you have to take what you can get. Sure, I can't memorize all the drug interactions I'm going to have to know for the boards. But I can figure out the system of the hospital I'm in so I get my work done in half the time and have time to go study all the stuff I don't know. I may not be able to cure anyone at this point of anything, but I can make my patients feel at ease in the hospital and like they have someone working hard for them while I either try to figure it out or let the real doctors fix things. All of these little things are what gets us through, makes us good, and we can do all of it without being an asshole. So take a second and think about your special skill. Everyone has one, and no matter how small or insignificant it may seem to you, you need to figure out how it is going to help you be an awesome doctor and get through this hell we call medical school.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Yes I do know there are starving children in Africa. No that doesn't make me feel better
Medical students understand that really, we are very blessed. We are given an opportunity that many people would love to have, and we are in a position to really help other people. It's a great place to be. We see that in other places in the world people are truly suffering, and that other people are dealing with worse things than hard classes. We see cancer, amputations, sickness, and really horrible things every day that we don't have to deal with except as healers or learners. We (sometimes) watch the news and see earthquakes and people starving and ethnic cleansing and political warfare and everything else that goes on in this world.
Unfortunately that doesn't make me feel better when I'm having a bad day. Someone saying "well, remember there are starving people in Africa, count your blessings," does not make all my problems disappear. It may help put them a little bit into prespective, but it definitely doesn't solve them. And the fact of the matter is, medical students have problems. And they maybe make no sense to anyone else, and maybe you can't understand what those problems are, but we have them. And knowing that other people have problems doesn't make it better. In fact, lately it has made it worse. Someone saying to me "well at least you don't have cancer" now fills me with anxiety over the fact that you are right, I don't have cancer, not yet at least. Maybe I will have cancer. Then I'll hate my life as a medical student and have cancer on top of it.
Here's the thing. Everyone has bad days, and that is okay, and no one should say that you can't have a bad day because you are better off than someone else. We're not all Job here.
What are the problems medical students have, you might ask. Well, I'll tell you about them. First off is that we are our own worst enemies. We have gotten so used to being the best at everything, or at least at something, and then we find ourselves in a group of people that are all the best at what we used to be the best at, and now we are barely functioning and we don't know what to do about it. Medical school is hard, all in and of itself. Just the studying itself is hard. But then add to that the continuous stresses of life to the mix and you have a disaster. I have to study, which I used to be really good at and actually enjoy. But now I don't understand anything, I can't remember anything, I can't answer any questions, and I'm surrounded by people who can. I feel like I'm drowning and there is no one to save me. Put on top of that that I need to fit in time to cook dinner, see my family, catch up with friends, go to the grocery store, pay my bills, and maybe I got in a fender bender and now have to take my car to the shop and what am I supposed to do without a car? I can't take a day off because then I'll fall so far behind I'll never catch up. And there is always something more that I could be studying or doing so I can't possibly relax. On top of that I may be having relationship issues or pet issues or family issues and that just adds to the stress.
But the real stress is waking up every day and realizing that I am not the superstar I used to be. I'm not the smartest person around. I barely know what is going on. I study all day and the next day feel like I know nothing. People are asking me questions and I can't answer them. Everyone around me seems to know everything about everything while I don't feel like I know something about anything. It's a feeling that most of us aren't used to. Sure, we all worked hard in college and high school, but for most of us the hard work paid off. We studied hard and then we understood things and got good grades and felt smart. Now, we study hard and have no clue what is going on and there is still so much more to learn and we think we aced that test but really we barely passed it. And everything matters. Every little factoid is going to come back and haunt us in some way. Every bit of information has the potential to save lives. And every time we don't honor a class we worry about not getting a residency. We wake up every morning doubting ourselves and our abilities to be good doctors and wonder if we made the right decision or if this is the world trying to tell us that we should just quit. Adn the worst of it is, the only people who understand what I am going through are the ones not willing to admit it to anyone. We all put on these masks so that everyone thinks we are perfect. We try to show we are perfet even though we are not. WE aren't willing to admit to each other that we are struggling, and because of that it makes it look like no one is struggling and we just feel more alone and depressed and out of our depths.
But you are right. I'm not starving. I don't have cancer. An earthquake didn't just destroy my home. I am truly blessed by all that God has given me, so why am I complaining? Because while I thank God for all the things he has given me, and while I recognize that my problems aren't as big as everyone else's, they are still problems, problems that most people can't understand. I am still going to wake up in the morning crying and want to throw in the towel, even if I'm not starving. It doesn't make my problems less relevant or less real to know that there are other problems out there. You're right, it could be worse. It most likely will get worse. And the fact that no one seems to understand just makes it all the worse. So do me a favor, and don't ever ever again say "you know, there are starving children in Africa." Because honestly, that just makes me feel worse. There are starving children in Africa, I'm not one of them, but I still hate my life even with all its blessings, and now I feel like an even bigger douche for doing so. Thanks for that. So what is the solution? I'd have to say being more honest. I don't feel better when someone tells me that there are people in Africa without food. I do feel better when a classmate tells me how much they hate school right now, and how stressed out they are, and how they've never felt so unable to function before. And it doesn't make me feel better because I like to see other people suffering (maybe I do, I haven't worked that out with my shrink yet), it makes me feel better because I don't feel so damn alone in all of this. Knowing that other people are wondering how they ever got into medical school and how they are going to continue going on and whether they even want to or when they became so damned inadequate makes me realize that this is part of the process. And if we could just all admit it to each other, I think we'd move a long way towards feeling more confident in our abilities to become great doctors, and then we can work towards doing good things like working in clinics around the world for those poor people who don't have access to health care. We do care about them, we just can't feel for them right now, because we are so busy being miserable for ourselves.
For all the medical students out there, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I feel your pain. You are not alone. And you are going to make an excellent doctor one day. You just have to get through this. We're all going to get through this.
Unfortunately that doesn't make me feel better when I'm having a bad day. Someone saying "well, remember there are starving people in Africa, count your blessings," does not make all my problems disappear. It may help put them a little bit into prespective, but it definitely doesn't solve them. And the fact of the matter is, medical students have problems. And they maybe make no sense to anyone else, and maybe you can't understand what those problems are, but we have them. And knowing that other people have problems doesn't make it better. In fact, lately it has made it worse. Someone saying to me "well at least you don't have cancer" now fills me with anxiety over the fact that you are right, I don't have cancer, not yet at least. Maybe I will have cancer. Then I'll hate my life as a medical student and have cancer on top of it.
Here's the thing. Everyone has bad days, and that is okay, and no one should say that you can't have a bad day because you are better off than someone else. We're not all Job here.
What are the problems medical students have, you might ask. Well, I'll tell you about them. First off is that we are our own worst enemies. We have gotten so used to being the best at everything, or at least at something, and then we find ourselves in a group of people that are all the best at what we used to be the best at, and now we are barely functioning and we don't know what to do about it. Medical school is hard, all in and of itself. Just the studying itself is hard. But then add to that the continuous stresses of life to the mix and you have a disaster. I have to study, which I used to be really good at and actually enjoy. But now I don't understand anything, I can't remember anything, I can't answer any questions, and I'm surrounded by people who can. I feel like I'm drowning and there is no one to save me. Put on top of that that I need to fit in time to cook dinner, see my family, catch up with friends, go to the grocery store, pay my bills, and maybe I got in a fender bender and now have to take my car to the shop and what am I supposed to do without a car? I can't take a day off because then I'll fall so far behind I'll never catch up. And there is always something more that I could be studying or doing so I can't possibly relax. On top of that I may be having relationship issues or pet issues or family issues and that just adds to the stress.
But the real stress is waking up every day and realizing that I am not the superstar I used to be. I'm not the smartest person around. I barely know what is going on. I study all day and the next day feel like I know nothing. People are asking me questions and I can't answer them. Everyone around me seems to know everything about everything while I don't feel like I know something about anything. It's a feeling that most of us aren't used to. Sure, we all worked hard in college and high school, but for most of us the hard work paid off. We studied hard and then we understood things and got good grades and felt smart. Now, we study hard and have no clue what is going on and there is still so much more to learn and we think we aced that test but really we barely passed it. And everything matters. Every little factoid is going to come back and haunt us in some way. Every bit of information has the potential to save lives. And every time we don't honor a class we worry about not getting a residency. We wake up every morning doubting ourselves and our abilities to be good doctors and wonder if we made the right decision or if this is the world trying to tell us that we should just quit. Adn the worst of it is, the only people who understand what I am going through are the ones not willing to admit it to anyone. We all put on these masks so that everyone thinks we are perfect. We try to show we are perfet even though we are not. WE aren't willing to admit to each other that we are struggling, and because of that it makes it look like no one is struggling and we just feel more alone and depressed and out of our depths.
But you are right. I'm not starving. I don't have cancer. An earthquake didn't just destroy my home. I am truly blessed by all that God has given me, so why am I complaining? Because while I thank God for all the things he has given me, and while I recognize that my problems aren't as big as everyone else's, they are still problems, problems that most people can't understand. I am still going to wake up in the morning crying and want to throw in the towel, even if I'm not starving. It doesn't make my problems less relevant or less real to know that there are other problems out there. You're right, it could be worse. It most likely will get worse. And the fact that no one seems to understand just makes it all the worse. So do me a favor, and don't ever ever again say "you know, there are starving children in Africa." Because honestly, that just makes me feel worse. There are starving children in Africa, I'm not one of them, but I still hate my life even with all its blessings, and now I feel like an even bigger douche for doing so. Thanks for that. So what is the solution? I'd have to say being more honest. I don't feel better when someone tells me that there are people in Africa without food. I do feel better when a classmate tells me how much they hate school right now, and how stressed out they are, and how they've never felt so unable to function before. And it doesn't make me feel better because I like to see other people suffering (maybe I do, I haven't worked that out with my shrink yet), it makes me feel better because I don't feel so damn alone in all of this. Knowing that other people are wondering how they ever got into medical school and how they are going to continue going on and whether they even want to or when they became so damned inadequate makes me realize that this is part of the process. And if we could just all admit it to each other, I think we'd move a long way towards feeling more confident in our abilities to become great doctors, and then we can work towards doing good things like working in clinics around the world for those poor people who don't have access to health care. We do care about them, we just can't feel for them right now, because we are so busy being miserable for ourselves.
For all the medical students out there, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I feel your pain. You are not alone. And you are going to make an excellent doctor one day. You just have to get through this. We're all going to get through this.
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