As a medical student, well as a person in general I guess, a respectable "adult" with things to do, nothing is more sacred to me than my free time. And all I want is some more of it. I love free time. It's my me time, when I can get stuff done, relax, take in a movie, sleep, run errands, pay bills, clean, do my laundry, mostly just to chill. I can do whatever I want. I can go to the mountains, I can ride my bike, work out, go for a swim, whatevs man. It is very exciting. I spend most of my day dreaming about my free time, and what I'm going to do with it, and how awesome it is going to be. I'm just going to sit on the couch, watch some television, read a book, take a nap, eat, and have a perfectly wonderful, stress free period of time.
The problem with free time is that we are all type A personalities. We don't know what to do with an unscheduled moment of time. So we end up planning things for our free time, like doing the dishes, paying bills, cleaning the apartment, anything to keep us busy and make us feel important. And there is the fine balance between just enough free time and too much free time. Too much free time leads to disaster. At first you think it's going to be great: a week with absolutely nothing to do. Monday starts out, you sleep in, relax, watch some tv, make a to do list for the rest of the week. Tuesday comes around and you do exactly the same thing, rarely leaving your house for anything. By Wednesday you are itching for something to do, to get you out of your house, or make you feel important.
There are two ways to respond to this. One is to make random projects for yourself. Get out that to do list and start cleaning, laundry, bill paying, bike riding, and all of a sudden you realize that your free time is no longer free, you are doing stuff with it. What happened to relaxing? Now you are just stressed out about all the stuff you need to do. Some people are able to do one important task per free day, and then enjoy the rest of it.
I am not one of those people. I respond this way: Oh, I'll do it tomorrow. I get so bored just sitting on the couch watching television, but I refuse to spend my free time doing something important. That would be a waste of free time. But then I start to feel guilty, and start thinking about all the things I should be doing instead. But I didn't make plans, and I'm not a spontaneous person, so I just sit there, wondering what to do with myself. Every once in awhile I get a random burst of energy, in which I can do something productive or fun. Sometimes I can get ahold of someone to hang out with me and keep me entertained. But more often than not I just create lists of things to do and never get them done.
Case in point, I've had this entire week off. It is now Thursday. Today I finally did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the living room, paid some bills, and got my pager set up. The rest of the week? I've sat around watching television. Occasionally go for a bike ride. Mostly napped. That is how I handle myself. Instead of doing what I should be doing, I figure it can all be done later and just take a nap. So now I'm going to start back up in rotations on Monday, and I'm sure there are millions of things I should have done by now but haven't. All because a week of free time is absolutely too much for me to handle. I need like two days. That's my max. I can be productive AND get relaxed. After that I start feeling guilty about all the stuff I shoudl be doing, but instead of doing it I just sit there feeling guilty about it. I go to bed each night thinking "Tomorrow, tomorrow is going to be the day." Then tomorrow comes and I decide I'd rather lay in bed until noon, then watch a movie, take a nap, and convince myself I have plenty of time to get all my work done the next day. In the mean time, i try to figure out how to entertain myself. Because I get bored fairly easily. But instead of doing all the things I should be doing, I play solitaire in front of the tv, thinking if I do two things at once I'm multitasking and not being so lazy, right? Upstairs the bills are still unpaid, the laundry is still dirty, the bathroom has not decided it wants to clean itself. And for some reason putting the dishes in the dishwasher seems like too much work for me. At some point I'm oging to have to get all this work done, but I'm not sure when. Tomorrow I guess.
What is worse than large amounts of free time is unplanned free time. You would think that unplanned free time would be a blessing. Like yeah! Where did this hour come from? I can use it to relax! Not the case. Unplanned free time causes stress. Becaue it is never enough time to get anything done. It's always like an hour, and then I have to be in class again, or at the next meeting, or whatever. 45 minutes? What the heck do I do with that? I could take a nap, but I'd need to find a safe nap place. I can't go home and get things done because I live at least fifteen minutes away from everything. I can't study, because by the time I pull out all my books, set them up, find my favorite high lighter, and get down to reading, it's time to pack them all back up again. Unscheduled free time is a medical student's worst nightmare. Mostly because there is always something you COULD be doing, but it just isn't enough time. Or I just can't get there and back to what I need to be doing. And it never comes in at a handy time. It's never like I got off an hour early from school and don't have anywhere else to be. It's more like, class ended twenty minutes early and I have a meeting in an hour. Awesome. Or like at one of the hospitals I rotated through, where we had morning report from 1030 til 1130, then noon conference at noon. What am I supposed to do with that half hour? It's just enough time to start something thatI can't possibly finish. It's a disaster.
So, while you will constantly hear me moaning about how I don't have enough free time, the second I get some, I garauntee I'm going to waste it in some way shape or form, even if it is just by resenting at what time it came to me. But that won't stop me from convincing myself that if I only had a little bit of free time I'd be a better person. It's a vicious cycle that cannot be broken.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
It doesn't matter what you tell yourself. If you're upset you're upset
We try all we can to convince ourselves that our problems aren't that big and that we shouldn't be upset about things. I'm a medical student, I'll say. How can I equate my problems with real problems? Tests, studying, hating school, all of that is nothing compared to real people's problems right? So why am I so upset about everything? Why do I hate my life so much? Really there is nothing wrong with it. I've got a great opportunity ahead of me. I'm not starving, I'm not crippled, I'm not looking for work, I'm not really suffering in any way. I should be happy. I shouldn't complain. In fact, telling people my problems makes me feel even worse about them, because I listen to how stupid they are and wonder why i'm even upset about such things.
But the truth of the matter is, it doesn't matter at all why you are upset about something, it just matters that you are upset. It doesn't matter how stupid something is, or how juvenille things have become. Trying to convince yourself that you shouldn't feel bad about something only makes you feel worse about it. And what makes it the worst is that you feel like you can't talk to anyone about it, and it just starts to eat you up inside.
Why can't we all just openly admit that we feel like crap most of the time? why do we have to pretend that we love everything and have no problems? Why do we have to pretend that everything is okay? Why isn't there anyone out there telling us that things are okay? Or at least that it is okay for us to feel this way. Tell us that it doesn't matter what our problems may be, or how small they may seem, just the fact that we have problems is okay and we don't have to explain them away.
We should be facing our problems, and facing the fact that we all hate things every once in awhile, or always, whichever it may be. And that is okay.
Every day we wake up, we feel like crap, and we keep going. We keep the faith and hope that one day everything is going to be better tomorrow. Somedays we really can't believe that is true, and we have no reason to believe that it may be true, becaue things keep feeling like crap no matter what we do. And nothing makes it better, and thinking about how our problems really aren't that big of a deal doesn't make them go away.
So what can we do? how can we make things better? Maybe by just admitting that things aren't perfect, and finding someone that we can talk to about the little things. Because it's all the little things that build up, making us all feel crazy on the inside. None of the good stuff matters when all we can feel is inadequate, unloved, and unhappy. Life doesn't stop for us because we are on our way to becoming doctors. We still have all the same old crap to deal with. Dating, family, friends, drama coming from every direction. It just adds up onto the feelings of not being satisfied with where we are in life, wondering if any of it is worth it. And it doesn't just happen to medical students. Everyone out there feels bad about something, hates something about their lives, has woken up one day unexplicably upset about something, feeling depressed. And most of us try to push it off, pretend it doesn't exist. Pretend that it doesn't matter that much, or that we shouldn't be upset about it. But the truth of the matter is, no matter what you are feeling, you have a right to feel that way. And that's the best advice I can give to anyone out there. Don't hide your feelings behind more feelings of guilt for feeling the way you do. Just feel. Let it out. Find someone to talk to. Don't listen to yourself when you are talking to them, so you can't tell yourself you're being stupid.
It's okay to be upset. It is okay to be depressed. It is okay to be sad. It doesn't matter what the reason is. You don't have to suck it up and move on. Sure, you have t ocontinue living your life and make sure you don't let it all get to you, but being an adult is not about feeling good all the time. It's not about making all the right decisions. It's about knowing that if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you're eventually going to get there.
My problems sometimes seem so insignificant that I can't even believe I waste time thinking about them, let alone going to therapy to talk them out with someone. But the more I think about them, the more I realize that it really is the little things in life that have the biggest weight in my life, and if I can't learn to deal with those, if I can't find it in myself to recognize that there is a problem, and that I shouldn't be ashamed of the problem, I'm never going to be able to get over it, no matter how hard I try to push it out of my mind or out of my life.
The only reason I know to do this is because someone once told me it didn't matter why I was depressed. It only mattered that I was depressed and that I should work on taking care of it. I didn't not deserve to be treated for depression just because I was a medical student and I'm overwhelmed with school and really it is no big deal. That is total bullshit. It doesn't matter why, but it does matter. So don't hide your feelings. And don't ever tell someone to get over their feelings. But be honest with each other, and find someone you can share with, who you can trust, you won't make you feel like the biggest asshole in the world for being upset about a date that went wrong while there are natural disasters around the world ruining people's lives. If you can't find someone like that, come talk to me. I'll be there for you.
But the truth of the matter is, it doesn't matter at all why you are upset about something, it just matters that you are upset. It doesn't matter how stupid something is, or how juvenille things have become. Trying to convince yourself that you shouldn't feel bad about something only makes you feel worse about it. And what makes it the worst is that you feel like you can't talk to anyone about it, and it just starts to eat you up inside.
Why can't we all just openly admit that we feel like crap most of the time? why do we have to pretend that we love everything and have no problems? Why do we have to pretend that everything is okay? Why isn't there anyone out there telling us that things are okay? Or at least that it is okay for us to feel this way. Tell us that it doesn't matter what our problems may be, or how small they may seem, just the fact that we have problems is okay and we don't have to explain them away.
We should be facing our problems, and facing the fact that we all hate things every once in awhile, or always, whichever it may be. And that is okay.
Every day we wake up, we feel like crap, and we keep going. We keep the faith and hope that one day everything is going to be better tomorrow. Somedays we really can't believe that is true, and we have no reason to believe that it may be true, becaue things keep feeling like crap no matter what we do. And nothing makes it better, and thinking about how our problems really aren't that big of a deal doesn't make them go away.
So what can we do? how can we make things better? Maybe by just admitting that things aren't perfect, and finding someone that we can talk to about the little things. Because it's all the little things that build up, making us all feel crazy on the inside. None of the good stuff matters when all we can feel is inadequate, unloved, and unhappy. Life doesn't stop for us because we are on our way to becoming doctors. We still have all the same old crap to deal with. Dating, family, friends, drama coming from every direction. It just adds up onto the feelings of not being satisfied with where we are in life, wondering if any of it is worth it. And it doesn't just happen to medical students. Everyone out there feels bad about something, hates something about their lives, has woken up one day unexplicably upset about something, feeling depressed. And most of us try to push it off, pretend it doesn't exist. Pretend that it doesn't matter that much, or that we shouldn't be upset about it. But the truth of the matter is, no matter what you are feeling, you have a right to feel that way. And that's the best advice I can give to anyone out there. Don't hide your feelings behind more feelings of guilt for feeling the way you do. Just feel. Let it out. Find someone to talk to. Don't listen to yourself when you are talking to them, so you can't tell yourself you're being stupid.
It's okay to be upset. It is okay to be depressed. It is okay to be sad. It doesn't matter what the reason is. You don't have to suck it up and move on. Sure, you have t ocontinue living your life and make sure you don't let it all get to you, but being an adult is not about feeling good all the time. It's not about making all the right decisions. It's about knowing that if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you're eventually going to get there.
My problems sometimes seem so insignificant that I can't even believe I waste time thinking about them, let alone going to therapy to talk them out with someone. But the more I think about them, the more I realize that it really is the little things in life that have the biggest weight in my life, and if I can't learn to deal with those, if I can't find it in myself to recognize that there is a problem, and that I shouldn't be ashamed of the problem, I'm never going to be able to get over it, no matter how hard I try to push it out of my mind or out of my life.
The only reason I know to do this is because someone once told me it didn't matter why I was depressed. It only mattered that I was depressed and that I should work on taking care of it. I didn't not deserve to be treated for depression just because I was a medical student and I'm overwhelmed with school and really it is no big deal. That is total bullshit. It doesn't matter why, but it does matter. So don't hide your feelings. And don't ever tell someone to get over their feelings. But be honest with each other, and find someone you can share with, who you can trust, you won't make you feel like the biggest asshole in the world for being upset about a date that went wrong while there are natural disasters around the world ruining people's lives. If you can't find someone like that, come talk to me. I'll be there for you.
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