Friday, August 23, 2013
I'm glad that guy isn't in my class
This summer I got the chance to go to an international medical conference. A bunch of us health professionals all having a good time together. I go with my family and I'm not great at socializing with strangers, especially those my age, so I didn't really talk to much to the other young people, preferring the company of my mom and cousin. I didn't really even notice many of the other people, just that there was a group of people who were maybe around my age that all hung out and that I didn't really feel any need to get to know. But there was one guy in particular that I took an immediate dislike to. Nothing really to do with him, my own biases were going crazy. Basically he was a good looking confident guy in his mid twenties, the kind of guy I love to hate, and by that I mean fall in love with and then manifest it as hatred towards them when they don't notice me. Which is a lot of information about myself, and I actually have a point to this story. About half way through the trip I found out he had just been accepted into medical school. I overheard him saying he was nervous, but in a confident, purposefully self deprecating way. He wants to be an orthopedic surgeon, and he fits the stereotype to a tee. Maybe that'll give you some insight as to why I wouldn't be his biggest fan. I listened to him say all the words I had felt going into medical school, about feeling inferior to those who had gone before me, worrying I wouldn't be any good, fearful it would be too hard and I wouldn't make it out. But his manner was so arrogant while he said it, and it left me reeling.
I sat and chatted with another medical student who was heading into his second year. And I liked him ok, I was able to tell him my story and let him know he would make it through ok. I provided some comfort and confidence in him that he would get through it all like everyone else. I had no qualms with him. But ortho guy, I wasn't sure what to do with. Part of me felt it was important for me to go talk to him. I wanted to say "hey, I heard your concerns about medical school and I just wanted to let you know that it's going to be ok." I wanted to give him the address to the blog, or my contact information if he needed anything. But I didn't, and I'm still not sure why. I told myself that it was because my mom was always telling me to stop scaring people before they go into school. She said I'm too negative and I don't need to tell everyone it's going to suck before they even start. I'd heard that from the Dean at my school as well. I told myself I was sparing him unnecessary worry. Maybe he'd start school and excel and really love it. Why dampen his happiness at starting with my negativity at the process? But I don't think those are the real reasons.
He's the kind of guy I wouldn't want to be in class with. The kind of guy who knows how to manage himself. He'd never let me see that he was struggling. He would be the kind of guy who makes me feel bad for feeling bad, always talking about how great he is doing and how much smarter he is than everyone else. He's my worst nightmare. That is what I saw when I stood around him or tried to talk to him. Oozing self confidence. So I didn't feel the need to offer him support because I didn't think he'd take it. And I knew he'd look down on me for offering it.
In medical school I stood up in the class of first year students and told them how I'd struggled through the first two years and failed the boards but was surviving and if any of them needed me they could just call me any time. And mostly I got good reviews and some thank yous from that. But one guy came up to me a couple days later and said "you do know that you'll forever be known as that girl who failed the boards right?" And I just couldn't believe that he would say that to me. This ortho guy I met, that's how I felt about him. I felt like he would scoff at me and say "really? You failed the boards? That sucks. Sorry medical school was so hard, but I'm about to go rock it." He was the kind of guy that things came really easily to. He wasn't going to struggle in medical school, he was going to love every minute of it, still have a fun life, keep his sanity, and go on into the residency of his dreams. And I'm glad he isn't in my class, since I had my share of those and I don't need another.
But he is going to be in class with one of you out there. Some poor struggling student is going to be in a small group with this guy, or someone just like him. Someone you know was popular in high school. Someone who drips with ego. Holds his head up high. And in the process of showing his self worth, brings you down even farther. We call them narcissists here in psychiatry. But their power is undeniable. And it's hard to break free of them. So while I can't stop him from going on and being amazing at medical school, I hopefully can save one of you from feeling crushed by his ego.
Maybe I'm wrong about this guy. Maybe he's reading this blog right now thinking: "is she talking about me?! I am terrified! I hate medical school! It's kicking my ass!" If he is, I'm actually sorry. I'm sorry for judging you, and I'm sorry you aren't having such a good time at it. But you'll get through it. No matter how hard it gets, you'll get through. And at the other ends is the good life.
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Hi,
ReplyDeleteI'd just like to say that I think your blog is incredible, simply because I think, speak and behave in almost exactly the same ways as you. I'm in my 3rd year of medical school, on full on clinical placements - I much prefer working solo on wards i.e. not in little groups of 3 or so- I tend to relax more and pull back in a group, leaving me feeling left out.
For us in the UK, the system is quite different. Luckily, not including this year, I have two more years left and I'm certainly not intercalating (taking a year out to do God knows whatever else)- why would anyone delay graduating for this?! A few points to remember that has at least helped me to feign some sort of interest is:
1. Do the bare minimum to pass
Get those skills/assessments signed/ticked off as quickly as possible, practice history and relevant examination skills for each system that will be tested in our end of year OSCE's (practical exams). Last year I resat 3 papers around August and it left me feeling drained, tired and not at all looking forward to another years slog - I didn't get the much craved for summer break that everyone else enjoyed so no, I'm not going to smile at the doctors half attempted joke or listen to others feeling tired already. I've decided to do what I need to do to pass and move onto the next stage and whether that gives me the chronic bitchface look, so be it.
Getting a D (bare pass) vs an A (excellent) now makes no real difference to me- a pass is a pass. I've become too burnt out and weary to be ‘’over passing’’, especially when I haven't made any moves/shown real interest towards a clinical career e.g. participating in research studies (eurgh), conducting clinical audits - the so called 'jumping through hoops' culture that is ever prevalent in the medical society today.
(Part 2 is coming)
Part 2:
ReplyDelete2. Stop forcing myself too much.
Last year I found that forcing myself to like/smile/pretend to be enthusiastic about something I just felt indifferent towards made everything much, much worse. So no, I am not going to volunteer to stay past 5pm in hospital or take endless histories and examinations - once I find my attention span waning, its time to stop and move onto something else. I am also not going to come in on my days off to see a procedure in a very specialised sub part of whichever so-called specialty just to say 'I've seen this and this'. If it isn't on = our end of year exam prep checklist, then goodbye! Mind you, I’m not supporting being lazy or anything of the sort- rather (especially with regards to point 1), it is learning how to use time efficiently. Ward rounds start at 8am, I don’t leave the hospital until 5pm, sometimes later, arriving home by 6pm or so. By this time, I’m tired and the last thing I want to do is to stay up till 12 reading about so and so condition – nothing will go in at that rate. I’m also not going to plan my studying according to how much material I can cover- that is too pressurising. If all I can do each night is a good, well-focused hour, then that is it! One night could be solely history taking, another could be examination of the pelvis and so on.
Time off is essential, and I don't mean being part of the medical societies/clubs. For us, the last thing we want is to spend another 2 or so hours with the same medical peeps we shared the same hospital environment a few mins earlier! Relaxing is what you make of it - if you want to be president/accountant secretary of this and this, good for you! But for me, I'd like to spend my time off doing anything that isn't medicine related - be it playing catch up my very long list of online tv shows, skyping/whatsapping/calling friends, family, reading a few novels, watching films, cooking- whatever - this is the way I relax.
3. Have a personal goal
Mine is below. Its taped onto my wall:
TWO more academic years (I’ll be 24) : graduate with a degree in Medicine
Foundation years 1 and 2 (I’ll be 26) : gain the full GMC registration as a licensed doctor
(Technically, you get registration after year 1 but if you decide to leave after this, i.e. not completing year 2, it can be difficult to get back in should you ever need to, so I plan to complete both years at once and be done with it).I love travelling abroad and as a fully qualified doctor, my job prospects/opportunities will increase than if I decided to drop out now or immediately after graduation (without the foundation years training)
Hope this helps,
Nhobbit
Hi from Australia. It's interesting what it is that suddenly makes one type 'I hate medical school' into google but I found your site a while ago. A couple of years I think? Anyway, I too hated damn near everything about medical school. I applied to help people and feel good doing it. But all it seemed to be was four years of annoying patients or sitting in like some weird perverted voyeur and being made to feel like an idiot by faculty, hospital staff and occasionally my patients.
ReplyDeleteI think it was harder for me than most because I had gone to med school having already had some work as a paramedic and a successful albeit short career as a nurse where I was helping people daily and was usually the knowledgeable, go-to person for queries or concerns. So the step down to 'expelled grommet' was a hard pill to swallow.
And my colleagues pissed me off SO MUCH!!! I hated those who enjoyed med school through intense jealousy and perhaps misguided pity that they probably still had no idea what it was about yet. Also, I was not the competitive type. I mean, I am and always will be but I kept my mouth shut as I knew that no matter how badly I was doing, someone else was doing worse and they needed support more than they needed another person exclaiming on facebook that they'd passed the barrier exams or something when others hadn't.
I studied no more than a week for my final barrier exams. I just had nothing left, like a runner that had to stop within sight of the finish line. I passed but I felt I was lucky more than smart because of it. Thank God for the bell curve, ey?
Look, the point is, I wanted to come on here and say that you were right. As rough as it got... when it felt like it should be killing me... it did not. It was even weirder because I was literally afraid of med school in the end, expecting to fail final assignments or in training progress reports that I actually felt confused when what I felt was the inevitable, didn't happen, and I was passing everything I needed to despite my minimal investment, again simply through lack of anything left to give.
In hindsight, I realised that my self image was completely distorted by the process of med school. I went from kind of like the guy you described except quietly so (as I said, I see no reason to flaunt confidence nor success)... but I went from that to someone who felt like I was an idiot and nothing I could do was good enough .
Anyway, that is over now and I've been enjoying pushing myself to become more social again and start to feel better about myself. I persisted, and here I am. Finished med school, and caught in the weird lull of unemployment between finishing med school and starting as an intern in January.
I chose the hospital I used to work at. I'm hoping that I will get to see some old friendly faces and be able to get down to it without having to learn the hospital policies from scratch.
Despite the fact that I was mentally and emotionally destroyed, and came out the other end with barely a few acquaintances/loose-friends but pretty much nothing else... it feels... serene. A bit of an anticlimax really but still just 'floaty.' I don't know how else to describe it.
So in summary, I can testify that one can get through despite the clinical depression and self hate that med school can inspire.
Parting words of advice to anyone reading this bit,
'Run your own race. Don't be caught up in what works or doesn't work for other people and what others are doing. Just do it your way.'
'Don't give up if it's what you really want to do. Medicine needs people who hate medical school because chances are that despite your incompatibility with that one institution, you have personality traits that will help you excel at being someone's doctor.'
I know exactly how you feel. I felt like I couldn't connect to the majority of my med school class because they have that hyper-competitive-without-looking-like-I'm-trying-too-hard thing going on. And I, well, don't. But I'm actually in the process of applying for the psychiatry match, and in the end, I'm glad that none of those people are going to be doing what I do. Now that I know psychiatry is where I want to be, I'm proud of all my struggles and that I am who I am, because who I am is going to make me a great psychiatrist. It might have made me a terrible surgeon, but that's not really something I really wanted for myself anyway. So even though I kind of hate those people for how easily it all came to them, they can take their ortho residency and leave me out of it. So med school was hard, and there were many times that I felt like I wasn't good enough to be a doctor. But somehow it's almost over, and I found something that I'm actually good at. Now hopefully I match and all will be well. :-)
ReplyDeletePS - there were many times, especially when I was studying for boards, that your blog was very comforting for me. It's just nice to know there are people that go into medicine that aren't afraid to admit that they struggled and still ended up happy and doing well. :-)
hello
ReplyDeleteanother pea in this pod here. i've been studying in med school for 3 years now and i feel no closer to being a doctor than when i first began. i hate close to everything about my school. count my blessings? i'd have to think up a few. i suppose the worst part for me is THE PEOPLE! i have never felt so alone in my life...like i've missed some crucial part of life where everyone else learned how to be ruthless scavengers. sometimes i tell myself the worst is behind me but who am i kidding (i didn't pass my first year finals in my first try). watched a video yesterday where someone quoted statistics saying 47% of doctors when asked if they'd choose medicine, if given the choice again, refused. makes me question what exactly i'm hoping to achieve when all this is done. probably nothing. if this is so hard i doubt i'll be able to survive residency.
i'm one of those struggling students in a small group that's too big for me. everyone's the king of their own universe and masters of their game. it's the thought i greet every morning and i'm somehow supposed to make peace with the fact that this is how it's going to be. i don't socialize all that much either. can't really think of the right things to say. med school is hell for people like us. a funny thought occurred to me last night. doctors are supposed to be kind and compassionate; self-sacrificing and patient. what's ironic is that med school is perfect for people who are exactly the opposite: hard and cutthroat; self-serving and ridiculously judgmental.
but yeah, hope springs eternal, right? it's the only way to survive. maybe everything will magically fall into place when its time is due. it's not much to live for but it's what i need right now.
i've really liked your blog. looking forward to the next post. wish there were people like all you guys here where i am.
mournfully,
aaron
Just wanted to post again to say it gets better. Since this blog hasn't gone much further probably due to life and work getting in the way, I just thought I'd like to poke my head in 18 months into being a doctor and it gets better. Again as one who 'expletive' hated medical school, there is hope for those of us who care about our patients and want to help them get better. There is no greater privilege of rendering a treatment based on your training and understanding and seeing a positive outcome within that patient. The training, whilst soul destroying, introduces us to a very small fraternity of people who can make a measurable difference in the life of another. Of course there are good days and bad days but the truth is that deep down somewhere, as horrid as it was going through, I'm glad I stuck it out. Thus I am appealing to everyone else who stumbles in here because the light is there, you will be doing what you intended on the other side of the proverbial purgatory that is medical school. intern year may suck a bit as well but the better you get, the more you learn, the more you help and the more confident you feel... well... it almost feels worth it.
ReplyDeleteI hope you still write even though it's been 2+ years since your last post. There is always a bunch of med students coming up who require someone who speaks our mind like your blog. I'm a 2nd year myself, can't find a similar person in my entire class, and dying from the environment that is quite toxic. Anyway, loved your blog.
ReplyDelete