Something I am slowly learning about myself: I don't actually care about anything anymore. Medical school has sucked the curiosity right out of me. My attention span is about the size of a peanut. Rounds: boring as hell. A "good learning opportunity." Yeah, if I could pay attention all the way through rounds maybe I would in fact learn something. But my ADHD (self-diagnosed) will not allow for that. I can pay attention to maybe two patients that aren't mine. And if your presentation is more than one minute long, you can bet good money that I won't be listening anymore. I don't find "self directed learning" time to be useful, it turns into nap time for me. I'm not willing to spend any more time looking something up than it takes to read an up to date article. By the time I get home I couldn't care less about anything I saw during the day. And if you ask a question at the end of a long clinic day, I'm going to punch you in the face. I honestly don't care about the answers enough to spend another ten minutes hearing the answer.
Does this mean I'm going to be a bad doctor? I sure hope not. I really don't feel any need to add extra work to my schedule. I don't look for extra stuff to do. Either you keep me constantly stimulated or I'm going to be asleep in the corner. I don't give myself assignments, I don't go searching for someone to see, I don't ask questions so attendings notice me.
All of this is bad. Very very bad. Because people are starting to notice. People who write my evaluations. Those people. Apparently I wear my emotions on my sleeve and everyone can tell when I'm bored or annoyed, which tends to be all the time. Sometimes even with patients I'm bored. Depends on the day. Usually I'm not. Usually if I'm with a patient I'm the happiest person in the world. Unless it is getting close to the end of the day, and this one patient blathering on is keeping me from going home (where, in case you are wondering, I am also bored) then I get a smidgen annoyed. And if clinic has gone late, I sure as heck am not going to ask my attending any questions, even if I really want to know.
Why? Because then things like today happen. I asked a simple question (what is the difference in prognosis between two diseases) and got a ten minute answer. Then, the other student felt the need to also ask a question so he wouldn't be shown up, and then the attending ended up on a half hour soap box about God knows what (I literally have no idea what he was talking about). Meanwhile, my eyes are slowly glazing over. I have to start telling myself ot pay attention, but then I'm only paying attention to me telling myself to pay attention. I really did at the time want to know the answer to my question. I have to really really want to know the answer to a question to ask one at the end of the day. But I can tell you, it wasn't worth it. Especially since that guy is not evaluating me in any way shape or form. I could have asked my aunt later, she's a Rheumatologist. That would have been more simple. And I could just tell her straight to her face when I no longer cared about the answer.
Five second answers, that is waht I need. That's about all the time I can spare anymore.
Mostly, I can't win for losing anymore. You can't make me happy. One minute I'm bored out of my mind, sitting and doing nothing, but then the second work appears I'm hoping I don't have to do it.
My poor friends who aren't in medical school but are reading this. You must be terrified of going to the doctor after you read my posts. Don't worry, not everyone is as jaded and cynical as I am. And, when I'm with patients I'm fantastic, they all love me, and I find the answers, so don't worry. But medical school is this annoying game that I am not good at, because I don't have the attention span to follow the rules. If you give me the afternoon off I'm going to take it. I'm not going to try and find myself extra work to do around the hospital. If the choice is between seeing another patient or going home, I'll probably go home. Does this make me a bad student? I sure hope not.
I've found that there are a group of us like me. Students who don't play the game, because we don't have teh energy. Sometimes we worry that we aren't going to be good doctors because we don't play thet game. But friends, I really think we are going to be okay. Because when it comes down to it, I don't need to be the leading expert in any field. I don't need to be a super star. There is nothing at the end of the road I need to compete for. All I want is to be a doctor, and to do that I just need enough knowledge to either know the answers or know where to find the answers. I can do that. And, I've got great people skills, so I know patients will want to come see me. Right? I'm going to keep telling myself that.
Why do I want to be a doctor? Sometimes I don't remember. And people I'm sure often wonder why I want to be a doctor when I seem to lack any interest or enthusiasm in what I do. But the truth of it is, I kinda know what it is I want to do, and that interests me, and I know I can do it without having to be a douchebag about it. I'm not willing to fake interst in things I'm not interested in. But unfortunately, I need to learn how to.
Usually I'm all about the journey, but in this case, I just want to get to the end point. I want to be a doctor. I don't want to answer to a bunch of people. I don't want to have to pretend to be excited about things. I don't want to have to work hard just at maintaining a front. I want to do my work, help my patients, and go about my life. I don't want to be graded and evaluated against my peers. I just want to be a freaking doctor already! Gah.
Anyway, to all of you out there who really are interested in everything, good for you. But could you tone it down a little for those of us who are struggling to stay awake and get through the work they already have to do? And for those of you like me, who really couldn't care less, hang in there. We're all going to be good doctors one day. And to the gunners: bring it down a level, no one likes a douche
I feel the same way as you do. I'm in 2nd yr of residency. I love spending time with patients, but I hate doing case presentations and seminars. I hate being judged against my peers.
ReplyDeleteThank you for validating my existence! I've been feeling a lot of what you've felt over the past few years. Thanks for sharing. Maybe I can return the favour for other med students one day.
ReplyDeleteDamn, man you hit home for me. I don't wanna play the game and I get sh!t on for it. I'm close the point where I actually don't give a damn, and I hope to be there soon!
ReplyDeletei think playing the game is an inherent quality of the pointless and futile hospital life that we lead, i think the real work is done with the patients and we seem to have some sort of knowledge which serves us really well with patients, its almost a subconscious intuition. i share and echo your sentiments in regards to the boredom of medical school, and youll find that working is no different, everybody is playing the game and i dont feel like doing anything, i just do my work and go home. Then you have your consultants shouting at you for not attending enough, for not showing enough interest, but when they actually quiz you they realise your knowledge and intuition is at their level, and then they quickly shut their mouths. What i find most irritating about medicine is that it is just a front, every presentation and every ward round is just an act for ego massage, ass kissing and self loving. I find the process laborious and ultimate futile, given this level of cynicism i dont think im going to be a bad doctor at all, in fact i can probably cut through the crap and avoid the notion of being a good doctor entirely, and just be a doctor.
ReplyDeleteThank you, for expressing this! I'm about to start medical school in the fall. I'm 6 years removed from undergrad, and have been working in research and engineering labs during that time. I became bored with research, spent some time working with patients, and decided that I want to become a doctor. But I have this inherent belief that I'm going to be extremely bored in medical school... I'm glad there will be people there who will understand
ReplyDeleteDude, I don't know who you are (and by now I hope you're happy with what you are doing), but this is the single most heartening thing I have read since starting medical school. I'm about to take my boards, and I find myself constantly zoning out and barely paying attention because I find it all so pointless. Learning about diseases that affects 8 people a year in remote countries...viruses that have been eradicated for decades...Obviously I'm mid micro. But I hate learning the game- teaching to the test. Then it's ass kissing. Joining stupid clubs where people don't actually do shit just so they can put their name on a paper. Always taking a pile of shit with a smile and saying "Please can I have seconds?". I'm going to be 27 soon, and I think the fact that I've worked in a job before school started makes it harder- I know how to be an adult. I've been independent, had a good paying job and free time. It makes my current reality even less palatable. And I worry that the fact that I'm bitter about this remote memorizing and don't want to learn these obscure diseases means I don't really care about medicine.
ReplyDeleteCan't I be a doc without med school
ReplyDelete