Am I really smart enough to be a doctor?

Some days-okay every day, but some days more than others- I really wonder if I am actually capable of being a physician. Mostly it's when I'm around other students. Or being asked questions. Or in any clinical situation whatsoever. My first two years of school it was easy to blow things off, and tell myself that I'd figure it all out and knowing all these tiny details wouldn't make me a better doctor. I told myself that test grades didn't determine my ability to be a good doctor. It was all about the clinical skills and knowledge that I'd gain over my third and fourth year. But as I reach the end of my third year, I feel like I don't actually know anything, still. My faith in my ability to be a doctor is severely decreasing every day. I can't answer questions that are asked of me, but I feel like all the other medical students are able to. I've heard that I don't really learn anything about medicine until I'm an intern and a resident, but somedays I feel that is just another way of allowing myself to live in denial about my inability to think well enough to be a doctor.
The first day of a new rotation is always the worst, but sometimes it doesn't get any better than that first day. Sometimes I just continue feeling like an idiot. I can't do anything right. I don't know anything. I'm terrified of everyone because I don't think I can make them better. I've already ruled out any profession where on a daily basis I am directly responsible for numerous life and death decisions (ie Emergency Medicine or Surgery) because I know I can't think on my feet the way I would need to in those situations. Maybe that is why I enjoyed outpatient pediatrics. I didn't have to save any lifes. Everyone was relatively healthy, even those who were sick. I didn't feel responsible for life or death decisions. But even in the outpatient world, there was plenty I had no clue about, so many things I didn't understand or know how to deal with, but I feel like I saw them a million times over and still can't figure them out.
So here I sit, three shifts into an emergency medicine rotation, watching physicians run codes and remember what they are supposed to do, and I can't even remember how to do a full neuro exam on a patient, or remember why I might need to. I can't answer a patient's questions about PAD or PID or UTIs or anything. I'm grossed out by half of the patients I see in the ED. I can't stand the noise, the smell, the shear number of people. It is too much for me. I don't like doing procedures. And it all stems from a feeling of inferiority and stupidity.
A doctor once told me that third year isn't really about learning how to be a doctor. It's about figuring out what you want to do and what you like, and learning how to learn. I don't think I've learned how to learn yet. I don't remember things I've already learned. I don't enjoy researching new things. I can't keep all the information in my head.
Another doctor told me the three things you need to be a good doctor are 1. a good personality so people will want to come see you (done), 2. efficiency (gots that) and 3. enough knowledge to function as a docto. That's the one I'm worried about. I liked him, because he said I didn't have to know everything about everything. I didn't have to have all the answers all the time. I didn't have to be a specialist in my field or any sort of genius. I just needed to know enough to deal with things as they came up, and know where to look when I didn't know the answers. That's the worry for me.
I used to want to be a specialist in some field. The fore-most knowledgeable person in whatever it is I choose to do. Now I just want to survive. I don't have enough faith in myself to think I'm going to be anything better than a mediocre doctor. I definitely will be depending more on my personailty than on my actual clinical knowledge. So I'd better work in a place where I don't need to know all that much, or I'm totally screwed.
Will I ever actually be a good doctor? The fact that I don't know much right now isn't an indication of my inability to ever know things right? I'll eventually learn won't I? Experience, practice makes perfect, all that good stuff? Seeing, doing, teaching, eventually knowing? I have to hold on to that hope or I won't be able to function any longer. I can barely function now as it is...

If you are not evaluating me I feel no need to impress you

Lately I have found that I only have so much energy to give. I cannot be "on" all the time. So I have found that if I don't think you are going to directly evaluating me, I won't find any reason to suck up to you. In fact, I may not even be willing to talk to you. You mean nothing to me. Maybe I'll be nice to you at least, but probably not. I can't expend energy on people who aren't going to have some kind of say in my future. I have to do way too much sucking up in my time as a student. I can't care all the time, I'm sorry. So if I find myself in a situation where I am with someone who is not going to evaluate me, I find myself not giving any effort. Not just giving less of an effort. No effort whatsoever. I will walk out of clinic early because I know you aren't going to say anything to anyone because you don't know who to tell that I'm not doing my work. It is awesome. Fairly liberating. I should care a little bit, but I just don't.

Aparently everyone can tell when I'm bored. Which is always

Something I am slowly learning about myself: I don't actually care about anything anymore. Medical school has sucked the curiosity right out of me. My attention span is about the size of a peanut. Rounds: boring as hell. A "good learning opportunity." Yeah, if I could pay attention all the way through rounds maybe I would in fact learn something. But my ADHD (self-diagnosed) will not allow for that. I can pay attention to maybe two patients that aren't mine. And if your presentation is more than one minute long, you can bet good money that I won't be listening anymore. I don't find "self directed learning" time to be useful, it turns into nap time for me. I'm not willing to spend any more time looking something up than it takes to read an up to date article. By the time I get home I couldn't care less about anything I saw during the day. And if you ask a question at the end of a long clinic day, I'm going to punch you in the face. I honestly don't care about the answers enough to spend another ten minutes hearing the answer.
Does this mean I'm going to be a bad doctor? I sure hope not. I really don't feel any need to add extra work to my schedule. I don't look for extra stuff to do. Either you keep me constantly stimulated or I'm going to be asleep in the corner. I don't give myself assignments, I don't go searching for someone to see, I don't ask questions so attendings notice me.
All of this is bad. Very very bad. Because people are starting to notice. People who write my evaluations. Those people. Apparently I wear my emotions on my sleeve and everyone can tell when I'm bored or annoyed, which tends to be all the time. Sometimes even with patients I'm bored. Depends on the day. Usually I'm not. Usually if I'm with a patient I'm the happiest person in the world. Unless it is getting close to the end of the day, and this one patient blathering on is keeping me from going home (where, in case you are wondering, I am also bored) then I get a smidgen annoyed. And if clinic has gone late, I sure as heck am not going to ask my attending any questions, even if I really want to know.
Why? Because then things like today happen. I asked a simple question (what is the difference in prognosis between two diseases) and got a ten minute answer. Then, the other student felt the need to also ask a question so he wouldn't be shown up, and then the attending ended up on a half hour soap box about God knows what (I literally have no idea what he was talking about). Meanwhile, my eyes are slowly glazing over. I have to start telling myself ot pay attention, but then I'm only paying attention to me telling myself to pay attention. I really did at the time want to know the answer to my question. I have to really really want to know the answer to a question to ask one at the end of the day. But I can tell you, it wasn't worth it. Especially since that guy is not evaluating me in any way shape or form. I could have asked my aunt later, she's a Rheumatologist. That would have been more simple. And I could just tell her straight to her face when I no longer cared about the answer.
Five second answers, that is waht I need. That's about all the time I can spare anymore.
Mostly, I can't win for losing anymore. You can't make me happy. One minute I'm bored out of my mind, sitting and doing nothing, but then the second work appears I'm hoping I don't have to do it.
My poor friends who aren't in medical school but are reading this. You must be terrified of going to the doctor after you read my posts. Don't worry, not everyone is as jaded and cynical as I am. And, when I'm with patients I'm fantastic, they all love me, and I find the answers, so don't worry. But medical school is this annoying game that I am not good at, because I don't have the attention span to follow the rules. If you give me the afternoon off I'm going to take it. I'm not going to try and find myself extra work to do around the hospital. If the choice is between seeing another patient or going home, I'll probably go home. Does this make me a bad student? I sure hope not.
I've found that there are a group of us like me. Students who don't play the game, because we don't have teh energy. Sometimes we worry that we aren't going to be good doctors because we don't play thet game. But friends, I really think we are going to be okay. Because when it comes down to it, I don't need to be the leading expert in any field. I don't need to be a super star. There is nothing at the end of the road I need to compete for. All I want is to be a doctor, and to do that I just need enough knowledge to either know the answers or know where to find the answers. I can do that. And, I've got great people skills, so I know patients will want to come see me. Right? I'm going to keep telling myself that.
Why do I want to be a doctor? Sometimes I don't remember. And people I'm sure often wonder why I want to be a doctor when I seem to lack any interest or enthusiasm in what I do. But the truth of it is, I kinda know what it is I want to do, and that interests me, and I know I can do it without having to be a douchebag about it. I'm not willing to fake interst in things I'm not interested in. But unfortunately, I need to learn how to.
Usually I'm all about the journey, but in this case, I just want to get to the end point. I want to be a doctor. I don't want to answer to a bunch of people. I don't want to have to pretend to be excited about things. I don't want to have to work hard just at maintaining a front. I want to do my work, help my patients, and go about my life. I don't want to be graded and evaluated against my peers. I just want to be a freaking doctor already! Gah.
Anyway, to all of you out there who really are interested in everything, good for you. But could you tone it down a little for those of us who are struggling to stay awake and get through the work they already have to do? And for those of you like me, who really couldn't care less, hang in there. We're all going to be good doctors one day. And to the gunners: bring it down a level, no one likes a douche