No I am not going to medical school to become a nurse

Okay, let me start out by saying that I have nothing but love and respect for nurses. They are the best. They know everything that is going on all the time, can totally help you out in any situation, and do a job that I would never in a million years be willing or able to do. They put up with a lot of crap from patients, families, and doctors. In short, they are amazing, and if you don't respect nurses, I don't respect you.
That being said, I am not a nurse. I am not a pharmacist, or a physician's assistant, a CNA, a dentist, or anything else you can think of. I'm not spending four years of my life and more money than I want to discuss to be anything but a DOCTOR. The big MD. And if I'm putting in all this time and crap, I want people to recognize. Why do people think that medical school is for nurses? Nursing school is for nurses. Pharmacy school is for pharmacists. MEDICAL SCHOOL IS FOR DOCTORS! What? Because I'm a woman who wants to go into the medical field I have to be a nurse? No sir. The times they are a-changing, and more woman are becoming doctors than nurses. So check yourself fool!
Am I right? I know that I am not the only girl who class who when people ask "hey, what do you do for a living?" and I say "I'm a medical student." I cannot STAND when that person says "oh, to be a nurse?"
Why? Why do you assume I'm going to be a nurse? I swear it is because I'm a woman. None of my guy friends have reported this having happened to them. What else could it be? Why would someone just assume nurse instead of doctor? Do I not look whatever enough to be a doctor? I'm not saying being a nurse is a bad thing, or a degrading thing. All I'm saying is that if I wanted to be a nurse I would have gone to nursing school. Maybe it is just the overwhelming self-doubt that rules my world anymore. The fact that no one would look at me and say "of course, a doctor, you would make a fantastic doctor" on first meeting me, just feeds into my insecurity of being able to be a doctor. It just flows out of their mouths so easily "oh to be a nurse?" Should I be a nurse instead? Or a pharmacist? Or a dentist? Did I make a mistake? What was I thinking? No one will ever take me seriously as a doctor, they already can't envision me as a doctor!
I'm not sure how to write this without offending nurses, because honestly they are amazing, smart, fantastic people. But I am not one of them. And the crap I'm going through to become a doctor is different than the crap they went through to become nurses, and I feel the need to let people know that medical school= doctor. So while I don't think poorly of nurses or think I'm better than them, I want everyone to know I'm going to be a doctor. We all go into our chosen fields for a reason. People become nurses for a different reason than we crazies go to medical school. We want to be doctors. Nothing else will do for us. Sure, we sometimes think we are better than anyone else, but most doctors understand that they are nothing without nurses. We just don't want to be them. And I don't want people to ask me if I am one.
So, for the last time, no, I am not in medical school to be a nurse. I'm in medical school to become a doctor. Please get that straight. Medical school is for doctors. Just because I'm a woman in health care does not mean I am a nurse.
Medical school=doctor. Please remember this.

Learn to play up your assets

We all realize quickly in medical school that while in fact we may no longer be good at what we used to think we were good at (mainly studying and getting good grades), we are all in fact good at something. and you just have to figure out what that something is and how to use it to your advantage.
I learned early that apparently people find me hilarious. It is a great asset to have, because people find my sarcasm and smarminess to be funny, so I can constantly bitch about things I hate or people that drive me crazy and instead of being seen as that negative person who never has anything nice to say about anyone, I'm seen as that funny girl that can make people laugh. It's good for everyone, because laughing increases good feelings (which many of us don't have much of anymore) and I get to get a lot of things off my chest.
I'm also good at a lot of other things, some that are new discoveries and some that I'd always known. And since I am no longer good at studying (which I should be doing right now instead of blogging) or getting good grades, I have to use my other assets to my advantage. One of them is that I find it very easy to talk to faculty and get myself involved in organizations that get me noticed. I like being the girl everyone knows. I like being known for being outspoken and saying what others are thinking, for being the go-to person when someone needs something done, and having people know and remember who I am. I like planning events (but don't like cleaning up after them) and I like being a member of different organizations on campus.
Why am I boring you with the things I'm good at? Because medical school is great at making you feel like you aren't good at anything anymore, and so you have to hold on to the things you are good at, even if they don't seem to have any relevance to succeeding as a doctor. The fact that I can make people laugh while I bitch means I will always have some kind of way to vent. The fact that I like to be a go-getter, but can do it without making other people look like they are slacking, makes me noticed by residents and interns and attendings as a strong medical student. And the fact that I know people in high places who respect me for the work I've done means I'll have good letters of rec for residency, since my grades are not going to get me very far.
My favorite example of using my assets was during anatomy. I hated dissection lab. I thoguht it was the worst possible thing I could have to go through. I rarely found any of it interesting, mostly it was gross. I had a lab partner, however, who found everything fascinating. One day I realized that sometimes, if I said that I found something interesting, she would come over to see, and slowly take my work away from me. I would joke that all of a sudden the scalpel would be out of my hands and I'd be pushed across the room. I noticed this, and eventually used it to my benefit. Some people may consider this me playing someone, but I'm okay with that. Because when I'd get bored with dissecting or didn't want to do it anymore, I'd just mention how awesome what I was doing was, and all of a sudden my lab partner would be dissecting for me. And I could take a little break. What did she get in exchange? She learned way more anatomy than me, and apparently she found my jokes funny enough to get us through lab. Gotta use what you've got.
Everyone has random skills that are going to help them get through medical school, and if they are lucky, get someone else through medical school as well. They may not seem super important, but you have to take what you can get. Sure, I can't memorize all the drug interactions I'm going to have to know for the boards. But I can figure out the system of the hospital I'm in so I get my work done in half the time and have time to go study all the stuff I don't know. I may not be able to cure anyone at this point of anything, but I can make my patients feel at ease in the hospital and like they have someone working hard for them while I either try to figure it out or let the real doctors fix things. All of these little things are what gets us through, makes us good, and we can do all of it without being an asshole. So take a second and think about your special skill. Everyone has one, and no matter how small or insignificant it may seem to you, you need to figure out how it is going to help you be an awesome doctor and get through this hell we call medical school.

Yes I do know there are starving children in Africa. No that doesn't make me feel better

Medical students understand that really, we are very blessed. We are given an opportunity that many people would love to have, and we are in a position to really help other people. It's a great place to be. We see that in other places in the world people are truly suffering, and that other people are dealing with worse things than hard classes. We see cancer, amputations, sickness, and really horrible things every day that we don't have to deal with except as healers or learners. We (sometimes) watch the news and see earthquakes and people starving and ethnic cleansing and political warfare and everything else that goes on in this world.
Unfortunately that doesn't make me feel better when I'm having a bad day. Someone saying "well, remember there are starving people in Africa, count your blessings," does not make all my problems disappear. It may help put them a little bit into prespective, but it definitely doesn't solve them. And the fact of the matter is, medical students have problems. And they maybe make no sense to anyone else, and maybe you can't understand what those problems are, but we have them. And knowing that other people have problems doesn't make it better. In fact, lately it has made it worse. Someone saying to me "well at least you don't have cancer" now fills me with anxiety over the fact that you are right, I don't have cancer, not yet at least. Maybe I will have cancer. Then I'll hate my life as a medical student and have cancer on top of it.
Here's the thing. Everyone has bad days, and that is okay, and no one should say that you can't have a bad day because you are better off than someone else. We're not all Job here.
What are the problems medical students have, you might ask. Well, I'll tell you about them. First off is that we are our own worst enemies. We have gotten so used to being the best at everything, or at least at something, and then we find ourselves in a group of people that are all the best at what we used to be the best at, and now we are barely functioning and we don't know what to do about it. Medical school is hard, all in and of itself. Just the studying itself is hard. But then add to that the continuous stresses of life to the mix and you have a disaster. I have to study, which I used to be really good at and actually enjoy. But now I don't understand anything, I can't remember anything, I can't answer any questions, and I'm surrounded by people who can. I feel like I'm drowning and there is no one to save me. Put on top of that that I need to fit in time to cook dinner, see my family, catch up with friends, go to the grocery store, pay my bills, and maybe I got in a fender bender and now have to take my car to the shop and what am I supposed to do without a car? I can't take a day off because then I'll fall so far behind I'll never catch up. And there is always something more that I could be studying or doing so I can't possibly relax. On top of that I may be having relationship issues or pet issues or family issues and that just adds to the stress.
But the real stress is waking up every day and realizing that I am not the superstar I used to be. I'm not the smartest person around. I barely know what is going on. I study all day and the next day feel like I know nothing. People are asking me questions and I can't answer them. Everyone around me seems to know everything about everything while I don't feel like I know something about anything. It's a feeling that most of us aren't used to. Sure, we all worked hard in college and high school, but for most of us the hard work paid off. We studied hard and then we understood things and got good grades and felt smart. Now, we study hard and have no clue what is going on and there is still so much more to learn and we think we aced that test but really we barely passed it. And everything matters. Every little factoid is going to come back and haunt us in some way. Every bit of information has the potential to save lives. And every time we don't honor a class we worry about not getting a residency. We wake up every morning doubting ourselves and our abilities to be good doctors and wonder if we made the right decision or if this is the world trying to tell us that we should just quit. Adn the worst of it is, the only people who understand what I am going through are the ones not willing to admit it to anyone. We all put on these masks so that everyone thinks we are perfect. We try to show we are perfet even though we are not. WE aren't willing to admit to each other that we are struggling, and because of that it makes it look like no one is struggling and we just feel more alone and depressed and out of our depths.
But you are right. I'm not starving. I don't have cancer. An earthquake didn't just destroy my home. I am truly blessed by all that God has given me, so why am I complaining? Because while I thank God for all the things he has given me, and while I recognize that my problems aren't as big as everyone else's, they are still problems, problems that most people can't understand. I am still going to wake up in the morning crying and want to throw in the towel, even if I'm not starving. It doesn't make my problems less relevant or less real to know that there are other problems out there. You're right, it could be worse. It most likely will get worse. And the fact that no one seems to understand just makes it all the worse. So do me a favor, and don't ever ever again say "you know, there are starving children in Africa." Because honestly, that just makes me feel worse. There are starving children in Africa, I'm not one of them, but I still hate my life even with all its blessings, and now I feel like an even bigger douche for doing so. Thanks for that. So what is the solution? I'd have to say being more honest. I don't feel better when someone tells me that there are people in Africa without food. I do feel better when a classmate tells me how much they hate school right now, and how stressed out they are, and how they've never felt so unable to function before. And it doesn't make me feel better because I like to see other people suffering (maybe I do, I haven't worked that out with my shrink yet), it makes me feel better because I don't feel so damn alone in all of this. Knowing that other people are wondering how they ever got into medical school and how they are going to continue going on and whether they even want to or when they became so damned inadequate makes me realize that this is part of the process. And if we could just all admit it to each other, I think we'd move a long way towards feeling more confident in our abilities to become great doctors, and then we can work towards doing good things like working in clinics around the world for those poor people who don't have access to health care. We do care about them, we just can't feel for them right now, because we are so busy being miserable for ourselves.
For all the medical students out there, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I feel your pain. You are not alone. And you are going to make an excellent doctor one day. You just have to get through this. We're all going to get through this.

What's the difference between a Gunner and an Asshole?

Very little. In some instances, there is no difference between a gunner and an asshole. It really depends on the gunner.
A word of advice to all you "gunners" out there: Most of us hate you. No offense, I'm sure you're a nice person deep down. But no one wants to sit there while the same asshole every day in lecture raises his hand and asks some mundane question just to prove they were listening. And no one likes the person who is constantly shouting out the answers to prove that he knows them before anyone else has a chance to even think through the question. We get it, you're smart. Congratulations. And in third year, no one likes the person that is constantly bringing up their patient for examples to prove that they have patients, or asking a million questions, or bringing in articles every single day.
So how, you might ask, can you shine without being considered an asshole?
I'm not telling people to just give up and not try, or not try to look good or make a good impression, or prove your worth or be an excellent doctor/student. But people can tell when you are genuinely interested and when you really just want to show yourself off.
Here are some examples of asshole moves:
Anytime you ask a question starting by saying "when you say blah blah blah do you really mean blah blah blah" and then running off on some tangential aspect of whatever topic was being discussed. No one likes that. Also, ask your question loud enough for everyone to hear will you? And if class has already gone over ten minutes, and you have a question, just go up and ask the lecturer before they leave will you? Don't make us all sit through the answer. If we have the same question, we'll ask the lecturer ourselves, thanks.
It's all well and good to know the answers to questions, and of course in small groups we all want to show that we know the answer. And sometimes, you're like me and you only know the answer once every blue moon and by golly you are going to scream out that answer because damn it you finally know something! That's cool. Filling awkward silences while the facilitator tries to get someone to answer the question, also cool. But sitting in the back (or up front or to the side or wherever) and shouting out every answer "Sarcoidosis!" "Cirrhosis!" "Gentamycin!" before anyone else can get a chance is a douchebag move. Stop. Stop now.
Bringing in an article about something you learned while on a rotation is a good way to show you are interested. But bringing in articles every single day even on topics someone else was supposed to look up to show that you know more than them, that's not cool.
So here is what it really breaks down to. Yes, we all want to shine. Some of us are genuinely interested. Some of us know the answers to everything. But before you do something, think to yourself: How does this make the other students around me look? Am I doing this so that I look good or so that everyone around me looks bad? If you're brown nosing to the point where you know you're actually making everyone else around you, who are also working hard, look like complete idiots just so that you'll look better, you're an asshole. If you're on a team with another student on rotations, yes you want to show that you are dedicated and yes you want that honors, but you don't need to come in on your day off to "help" or stay late even though your resident told you to leave. You don't need to bring in articles for the other student on your team about something they had questions on and show it to them in front of the attending.
It's all about motive here people. Most people can tell when someone is full of shit. You don't need to try and impress everyone. You should just be able to impress people by being yourself. So look at your motive before doing something, gunners. Are you asking that question because you really want to know the answer, and think it will benefit everyone else to hear it, or do you just want to show people you are smart enough to have questions? Did you really need to show up on your day off to check on that one patient because you really honestly were worried about them, or did you want your resident to see that you were there so they think "wow, look how dedicated that medical student is?" Are your fellow classmates rolling their eyes when you answer yet another question that is asked? That's usually a good sign that you have crossed the line into douche-dom, and that people are talking crap about you instead, which means you've failed in your mission to shine.
It's a fine line to balance, between showing your amazing and having your lips permanently sewn to someone's ass. We all find ourselves at one time or another shamelessly showing off our knowledge. But the honest truth is, if you are genuinely and honestly interested in what you are doing, working hard, and being your best, people are going to notice that. You don't have to shove it in their faces.
Remember, we're all in this to help people, not make everyone completely crazy. And also remember that the people you are in medical school with are going to be your collegues one day, and if they hate you, they're not going to refer patients to you, or ask you to consult with them, or ask you to do some kind of awesome research with them. If they can't stand you now, they won't like you later.
I remember first year hating this one gunner in my class so much, and I already hated medical school as it was, and I didn't feel like I was in control of anything, and I didn't have anyone to talk to about my hatred of medical school. So instead I found other people who also hated this kid, and we became friends just because we all would sit and talk shit about what a douchebag overacheiving brown nosing full of shit guy he was. There was not a single thing to like about him, he was constantly trying to make other people feel inferior so that he could have some kind of edge over everyone else. And one day, he's going to be an amazing doctor. But you know what? So am I. And I won't have had to show off and put other people down to get there. And my classmates are going to want to work with me in the future. Well, probably not all of them. I'm sure some of them hate me too, it's how it happens, and is fairly inevitable I would say. But still, no one sneers at me as they call me a gunner. And yes, I failed the boards so maybe I'm not someone to talk. But I've also had residents tell me that I'm working at an intern level already. So put that in your back pocket and sit on it.
Seriously, don't be an asshole...

Living the dream became a nightmare

When I wanted to get into medical school, all I wanted was to get into medical school. It was the end goal, everything I was working towards. It was all I could see and all that mattered. And no one could have told me anything to think otherwise. A lot of soon to be medical students out there are thinking the same thing. And people look at those in medical school and think "wow, they are living the dream." Wrong.
Apparently the dream is actually a nightmare, a waking nightmare that you have to get through in order to live the real dream, which is being a doctor. And all the while you have to hope that that dream doesn't also turn into a nightmare. Medical school is hard, and we all know that going in, but we don't really know just how hard it is to be a medical student because we were working too hard just to get into medical school. And at the time we didn't think anything could possibly be more difficult. Once we got into medical school it would be cake, right? Sure, medical school is hard, but who would have known it would be this hard?
We are all overacheivers. It is what we do and how we got here. We are used to juggling 20 credit semesters of advanced science classes, plus shadowing at the local hospital, volunteering at any health organization we can, being president of at least three extra curricular groups (one of which had to do with science or health care), being in the honor societies, tutoring, working, TA-ing, getting straight As, studying for the MCAT, and making sure we were popular enough with our professors to get a good letter of recommendation, all while maintaining some semblance of a social life. And the entire purpose of all of it was to get into medical school. There wasn't anything we did in college that we didn't do so we could put it on our resumes, or talk about it in an interview. We figured once we got into medical school we could finally relax and get to being a doctor.
And that is the sad reality that we lived in until getting into medical school. Even during orientation and the first weeks of school we still had that glitter in our eye. Knowing that we had finally gotten into medical school, and now things were supposed to be good. Because sure, the material is harder than anything we've ever known, but now all we have to do is study. We've already gotten into medical school, we don't need to do all the extra, outside of studying stuff we had to do when we got into medical school. So we can just focus on the learning. And we see other medical students, sitting and studying in coffee shops, wearing their white coats around the hospitals, telling us how great medical school is, and we believe it.
No one ever tells you just how hard it is. And even if they had, we wouldn't have believed it. That's where I come in, and why this blog is being written, because someone needs to tell you what it is really like in here, in this crazy world of medical school. Not so that we deter people from going into medicine, but so you can understand that really, truly and honestly, this is something you have never experienced before. And it isn't a dream. and please, please, favorite cousin of mine out there, stop telling me I'm living the dream. Because this dream sucks and I'd like to wake up now.
The reality is, that the work is harder, and there is more to learn, but you still have to balance learning and studying with doing things to build up a resume, because residency is just four short years away, and you start to realize that your grades aren't going to matter, and maybe your Step 1 score isn't going to be as great as you thought, so maybe you should join that interest group or start that NPO or work with that professor, and now how are you supposed to fit all that in with the added work of just making it through classes and trying to honor (or just pass) and now with the understanding that EVERYTHING is important in a way it wasn't before. Because while you can tell yourself that all you need to do is pass all your classes (which is true, you just need to pass), you also have to know all of this somehow for something. And all of this gets hammered into your head from the first second you get into medical school, and all the people you were competing against to get into medical school are now in medical school with you competing for residencies! The stress keeps piling on and on and on until you feel like you are going to explode. And once again, the only people who can really understand what you are going through-the other medical students-are the ones pretending it's all okay, the ones you can't talk to, and the ones adding to your stress in the first place.
So no, I'm not living the dream. Please stop telling me I am, it doesn't make me feel better...

History and physical exam

I am starting this blog for myself and any other medical students out there. It's going to be a nasty piece of work, unfortunately, but my intentions are pure. Well, not completely pure. Mostly I am doing this for myself, as a journal of sorts, because I always feel better after telling someone what I'm going through. But part of me is hoping other medical students (or students of any sort) will read this and know that someone else is going through exactly what they are going through.
A little about my journey to get to medical school. I decided in high school that maybe my family was right, I should be a doctor. Sounded like fun, and I could help people, and save people, and blah blah blah. College was a breeze. Sure I studied and worked hard, but I didn't really struggle like I'm struggling now. Not until I started studying for the MCAT. Then I had no clue what was going on. Back in the day when I went to college, the MCAT was only offered twice a year, once in April and once in August. I took the April one my junior year of college, knowing I didn't want to take a year off in between school, I wanted to go straight through and start my life as a doctor. Unfortunately, I suck at standardized tests. I got a 24. Yep, how awesome is that? So I studied again adn took it in August. And got a 25. sweet. I was screwed. And I knew it, but I applied anyway. Needless to say, even with all my extra curricular activities and my straight As from an unknown college and excellent letters of recommendation, I did not get into medical school. And so it went for another two years. I had a blast in those two years, by the way, and for anyone thinking of taking time off between college and grad school, I say hells to the yeah.
Anyway, took the MCAT a third time and finally got a respectable score (a 29, so still not anywhere near my goal), and the univeristy finally decided that I would just keep applying if they didn't let me in and they'd have to keep reading my application every year, so finally they gave in and allowed me to come to medical school. At least that's the way I see it. Maybe had something to do with the fab stuff I did those two years...
Anyway, finally got into medical school, and I was ecstatic. Happiest day of my life. I remember the first day of orientation being terrified, not having a single clue who to sit by or what to do. And I distinctly remember one of the orientation sessions, the director of admissions gave a speech about how in the first year you wonder "did they make a mistake letting me in?" and the second year you wonder about something else and blah blah. But she said "no, we did not make a mistake letting you in. You all deserve to be here."
I think there are three ways to respond to that statement. The first is: hells to the yeah I belong here, I am a rockstar, you are lucky to have me at this school, I'm going to rock this place. Yeah. For those of you out there who respond like that, you're a douche bag. Tone it down a little please. The second is: are you sure? Well I'm glad you said so, because I was wondering about it, but if you say I am, well that's a relief because I guess then I actually do belong here, and now I can relax a bit and calm down. Anxiety attack normal. This is the best way to respond. Then there is the way I responded. It started out with seeing a blaring red sign that said "everyone but YOU." That's how I felt. Like at any second she was going to point to me and say yep, you're the mistake, please leave now. Then it turned into "oh I'll show you. I'll show you that I was a mistake, you'll rue the day you let me in here." That is not a healthy response. But it is how I felt at the time. So full of self doubt, certain a mistake had been made, wondering how I was going to prove myself.
The other session I really remember from orientation was the session when we wrote down our biggest fears about medical school. And I remember wanting to write "I'm afraid I can't do this. I'm afraid I don't know anything, that I won't be smart enough, that I'll fail." But I knew no one else was writing that, so I wrote something like everyone else was "I'm afraid of passing out in anatomy." Because all through orientation we talked about how great we were, and what all we'd done to get where we were, and no one talked about worrying htey weren't cut out for this, or wondering if they made a mistake. Because people in our walk of life do two things: We either are the best at everything, or we tell everyone we are the best at everything. Either way the purpose is to make everyone feel inferior to ourselves. So orientation consists of everyone trying to outdue everyone else, subtly of course, with their accomplishments and how great they are and how confident they are. And it does exactly what it is supposed it. It makes those of us who don't feel so great about ourselves wonder what the hell we were thinking and how the hell we are supposed to do this. But we play the game just as well as anyone else. Everyone thinks I'm calm cool and collected, because that's the face I showed, because that's what I saw in everyone else, and God forbid anyone doubt me or know I doubt myself.
Things got progressively worse from there. Anatomy was a disaster for me. I had no clue what was going on, or how to study, or what to study. It was a shit show, I'm telling you. I remember the second day of class my second year buddy sending me an email introducing herself, welcoming me to medical school, and saying "by the way, if you haven't yet you should head up to the bone room and start memorizing the bones." Second day of school. And I hadn't even cracked a book yet. I spent all of anatomy trying to figure out what the hell was going on and never really learned how to study. I hated every second of it. I hated the lab, the way I smelled after the lab, desecrating someone's body like that, studying before and after. spending my afternoons trapped in there. I hated it, and I struggled so hard in it. Harder than I ever had before, because I didn't know what to study or when to study or why to study or how to study. I had no clue. But I put on my happy face every day, pretended like I knew what was going on, and finally towards the end figured out a system that worked well for me. But it still resulted in me failing the first lab exam.
The best day of medical school still is the day that I was told by a second year that she had failed every lab test and still passed anatomy with the written exam scores. And at first I didn't want to be that person. Sure I'd failed one, but I could pick it up. And I did. I kicked ass in lab for the next two weeks. I knew every bit of that body and everything there was to know about the organ systems. I was teaching other people in the lab. And yet when the lab test came around, I had no clue what was going on. And again, I failed. After all that work, to not have improved by a single point. It was so disheartening. By this point I had about three or four people in school I could talk to, really be open with, about how much I hated anatomy. But I could only say that I hated anatomy, I couldn't really tell anyone that I was struggling, or that I felt helpless and hopeless and lost. Because I couldn't have people see me that way.
That was the day I said fuck it to anatomy. Figured P=MD and I could pass the class without paying attention in lab, and I totally checked out. I think maybe two days out of the last two weeks I actually picked up a scalpel and dissected. I provided comic relief for my group and they let me get away with minimal work.
I passed anatomy with a C+, but at our school it just shows up as a P so it doesn't matter. But I went into the next block with a great attitude. I was so excited, I was going to learn, I was going to excell, I was going to actually be the student I knew I could be. And I was, for one test. I got a 90. Go team. And then the next test I got a 70something, and then I got strep throat and my boyfriend broke up with me. And then I failed the genetics test, but I was okay with that, because I had almost passed and dude I had strep throat, right? So it was okay that I failed, and I ended up passing the class, and went into the next semester ready to rock and roll it and kick some ass and take some names and finally honor a class. Spoiler alert, I did not honor a single block my first two years.
First day of second semester, I got the stomach flu. Next week I had mono. And from that day on, there was not a single day that I made it through the entire day without falling asleep. As a third year I still fall asleep randomly in themiddle of the day.Lectures, conferences, library. I'm asleep. Awesome. I did okay in those classes, but still didn't honor. And then the last block of the year started, and I was so excited because we were finally learning things that mattered to medicine. The heart, lungs, and kidneys. I loved the heart. It is amazing, I could listne to it forever, I love what it does and how it works and everything about it. but apparently I don't understand any of it, because as much as I thought I knew about th eheart, I still only got a C on the test. Are you freaking kidding me? How much do I have to study, how much do I have to learn to be able to do well on a freakin' test? this is how I felt constantly during my first year of medical school. Try as I might, I couldn't do well. Every time I thought something was going to go right for me, something went wrong. And I couldn't take it. But I still, even with my good friend, didn't feel like I could really open up to anyone about how I felt. Every once in awhile I'd have a moment with someone, where I realized that they hated everything as much as I do, and that they felt just as worthless and unsuccessful as I do. And it made me feel better to know that someone else was surviving what I was going through. And I wish I could have had more of that support during the first two years, which is why I'm creating this blog.
So, I passed the first year, barely, and then had a summer off. And my family life at this point was a mess. I hated going home (still lived with the fam), and that contributed to my awful performance in school. And that summer I had all sorts of trouble with insomnia and depression. But I just plugged on through it and moved into the second year.
I thought second year was going ot be so great. We started with neurology. And it seemed so interesting. It still is interesting. But it is very anatomy based, and I did not get that, and so I was lost the entire time. The entire time. It is a block that 50% of the class honors, but I sure as hell did not. And it was frustrating, to think I knew all this stuff but really had no clue. and on top of that I still had my stupid ass family drama to deal with, AND I'd gotten my heart broken by yet another stupid boy (no offense boys). But I pulled through neuro, which everyone loved but me. I hated it. Not because it wasn't a well run block, it was, and not because it wasn't interesting. But because I couldn't figure it out. I didn't know how to sutdy for it, and I felt like I was the only one struggling through it. But I made it.
Then we started the digestive system/metabolic system/biochemistry course, and I was sure I was going to do well. Nope, failed the first test. I was mortified. But, if there is one thing I'm good at, it is picking myself up when I fall down. Apparently only to be pushed down harder, because I failed the second test too. So now here I am, a second year medical student, failing a block. And how the hll am I supposed to become a doctor if I can't pass a block? And it isn't like undergrad, where if you hate a block or don't know something you can always say "oh well, when am I ever going to need this?" Medical school is a whole new ball game, where everything you learn is somehow important and everything you learn may save a life some day, but you can't know all of it. You juts can't. And there isn't a good way to realize that, and deal with that, and fully understand that you are only human and cannot get through all of this.
It was around this time that a friend of mine told me she was going to therapy. And I signed up for that. I never ever would have if someone else hadn't told me they were doing it. So for those of you out there who are like me, sign up for therapy. I did it. And then I pulled myself together and FINALLY figured out a good way to study and managed to kick ass in the rest of the block. Came back to the final two blocks before the dreaded boards.
Oh the USMLE. heard about it from the day we walked into school. I've never heard of a test so built up in my entire life. From the start of first year people are talking about studying for the boards, and getting the books to study, and Lord Almighty that just made me feel worse about everything, because I was barely keeping up with class and people were talking about studying for the boards on top of class, and how was I supposed to manage all of that? I could barely handle passing each class and keeping some semblance of sanity. This was about hte time I started on anti-depressants. Life savers. And the only reason I was convinced to do it, another class mate said they were on them. I think about half my class is on them by now. And a doctor I know todl me she was on anti-depressants throughout residency and fellowship. Because by this point, I was crying every day. I woke up in the morning crying. I held it together through class. I went to hte bathroom in the afternoon and cried, and I went to sleep crying. I couldn't be alone in a study room. I always had to be studying with someone. My poor friends were constantly harassed to spend time with me and study with me. Every waking second I had to be around someone else or I'd burst into tears and have a panic attack. It was awful.
Then I started dating this guy, and things started feeling better. Was still struggling with school, but at least my social life was happy finally. And then he broke up with me. And I fell apart again. noticing a pattern? Not only am I a complete crazy pants, but you have to remember that medical school is already hard, and hten on top of that you still have your life. And it makes it SO MUCH HARDER to do what needs to be done. And I'm here to tell you, I've been there! I know how you feel. You are not alone.
And then, boards studying time. Started feeling pretty good, thought I was doing okay. Felt overwhelmed. and constantly like everyone else knew so much more than me. That is the state I've been in for hte past two years. Everyone knows so much more than me, and I am not good enough to be here, and I am completely overwhelmed by everything I have to do and know and be and I cannot live up to the expectations people have of me. Sound familiar? I think we all feel this way, just no one is willing to admit it.
And then I took the boards, and everything started looking good. Third year started, I moved into a townhouse with a classmate, I was in internal medicine, I loved it and everyone loved me. Until two days into rotations, when I found out I FAILED THE USMLE! Who does that? Apparently 9 peopel in my class, and I was one of them. And all that hard work, all those hours I'd put in, all that sutdying I did, just like that, had been for nothing. I saw my dreams vanish before my eyes. And I have to honestly tell you, that if I had taken a year off between second and third year, or I had not been enjoying my rotation, I would have dropped out of medcical school on finding I'd failed the boards. And everyone telling me "oh it was just a fluke, there is no way you could have failed, we never would have thought you failed, oh youwere so close to passing" did not help. None of it made me feel better. The only thing that made me feel better was finding out two of my friends had failed as well. not because I wish anyone to be in my position, but because hwen you find someone else in your position it makes it easier to deal with.
I got to finish my rotation in internal medicien and Iloved it. Renewed my spirit to be a doctor. It was just the experience I needed. But to be honest, it was the first good experience I've had in two and a half years of schooling.
So here I am now, pulled out of rotations to restudy for the board exam everyone else managed to pass, and back to hating my life. So I've started this blog for several reasons 1) to get it all out there, 2) to give some advice to incoming/current medical students, and 3) to let you all know that there is someone out there who feels like you do. Because I know I'm not alone. And I know that every time I talk to someone about this, they say "yeah, I feel the exact same way, and you know what? It makes it easier to know that someone else feels this way too." So I will tell you my humiliating story, hopefully it will have a happy ending, and will give you the true insights of medical school life as I go through it.
I've just covered two years in one blog. The rest hopefully won't be so long. But for now, I am going to sleep. It is past my bed time.
Good luck to all of you out there. May you be having better days than I am