I happen to have a slight tremor in my hands, which is making my surgery rotation quite difficult. However, I recently heard of this "third year tremor" and it made me wonder, where does it come from? Is it from the late nights, lack of sleep, increased coffee that comes with third year? The stress of trying to impress residents, attendings, patients, classmates, residency directors, the whole wide world? The fear of making a mistake? Or is it from holding so many damned instruments for long periods of time during your surgery rotation? Either way, after third year you are never the same.
I often wonder what other medical conundrums you get from third year. Is there a return in incidence of nightmares or sleep terrors? Or is that just me. Has anyone else noticed a fake plastic smile stapled to their face? Is that going to eventually cause some twitching in my cheeks? Is there an adverse effect from trying to hold back tears and hold your face perfectly still so that your attending doesn't realize that he is getting to you? How about GI upset from all the coffee, stress, fast eating, hours of not eating, dehydration etc etc and so forth? I know I've got narcolepsy that is definitely enhanced by third year. Has anyone else noticed a total lack in concentration? I've got ADHD up the wazoo, I think it is from too many hours of rounding on patients. The more I try to pay attention the more trouble I have. I'm starting to think I have absence seizures. How about the neurological signs like like word finding difficulty? Not only do I have trouble figuring out what I'm trying to say when I'm presenting a patient, but I've also noticed that in general conversation I now lack the ability to express myself, because I can never remember the word, and I can't figure out how to use another word to describe what I need to say. I also stop abruptly in the middle of sentences, probably because my brain is busy trying to multitask.
What other symptoms have come along with third year? Of course hanging out around sick people all the time can make anyone start to think they are sick as well, but there are certain things most medical students notice about themselves as they go through the year. Many of us become more hardened and apathetic. Our trust in what a patient (or anyone) is telling us decreases as we go through a year of lying and manipulating patients. Our social awkwardness increases secondary to a lack of normal social interactions. Things stop surprising us, because we've heard and seen worse. And the strangest, little things horrify us while large things that would horrify others no longer affect us. How many other medical students have heard a story about someone getting hit by a car and been more worried about the person's dog that wsa also hit than about the patient. "Oh the guy died? What about the puppy? Oh thank goodness he is fine! He lost a leg?! That is the saddest thing I've ever heard. Poor puppy." What is that about? Priorities definitely change.
The worst thing third year brings about is also the one that most people won't talk about, and that is the increased depression. Third year is fucking hard. I still prefer it to the other two years,and find myself a bit happier than I was second year. I'd rather go through my toughest days of third year over again than any day of second year. But third year comes with its own bag of insecurities and sadness. An overwhelming feeling of insignificance and incompetence surrounds me daily, even when I'm doing well on a rotation. I have noticed a complete lack of interest in anything not related to pediatrics, to the point where I'd skip out on surgeries if I could, and I have to muster up all my energy just to go to rotations every day. I find that things that excite other students do nothing for me. I couldn't care less about procedures. I'd rather not be responsible for doing them. I don't want to scrub into a surgery. I don't want to round on my patients. Especially now that I'm at the end of my third year, I don't want to do any of this stuff anymore. Where did this apathy come from? What happened to my passion? All I want to do all day is go home. And once home, I don't have anything to do, nor is there anything I really want to do. I could look forward to a bike ride all day but then get home and decide not to go out on my bike. And I keep telling myself that it is just because I am not interested in anything but pediatrics, and everything will be better once fourth year starts, but what if it isn't? What if medical school has taken my passion away completely? All of my interests are gone, partially because I don't have time for anything. And some times are better than others, but this rotation has been especially hard. And I'm worried it isn't going to go away. What if, even though I love pediatrics, I'm forever this uninterested, bored, tired, and lonely. I sure hope not.
I hope that when I get into something I enjoy a little more, or finally find my niche in life, my passion and interest and love of life will return. Until then, I'm just trying to muck through these ridiculous assignments and rotations, jump through the flaming hoops and land on my feet at the end of all of this. Now I just have to figure out when "the end of all this" is going to be. Because these third year symptoms my never go away...
