There are a lot of things that are difficult about third year. The hours, the stress, the lack of knowledge, the trying to figure out what you want to do for the rest of your life. But by far the hardest thing to do is pretend and show that you are interested in EVERYTHING. The beginning of the year you ARE interested in everything. Or at least you think you are going to be. You start the third year thinking that even if you don't want to go into surgery, or neurology or whatever, you are still really going to enjoy the rotation, and you'll learn something great in each one. And while it is true that you will learn something in every rotation, I have found it very difficult to keep up a level of interest in things I couldn't possibly care less about. Unfortunately, this is an integral part of the game. A game I suck at.
Somehow I grew up thinking that I masked all of my emotions very well and no one could ever tell what I was thinking. I'm still convinced of this, even though repeated it has been pointed out to me that I am wrong. My mother, for instance, has always said she can tell when I'm upset about something because it is written all over my face. And classmates constantly tell me they love watching my facial expressions during classes/lectures when I am not happy about what is going on. Apparently I am their source of entertainment in really boring moments. And at least three times this year I've been told that I lack enthusiasm and don't appear interested. One resident told me she could always tell when I'm bored. This is no good, because quite honestly, I'm bored a lot of the time. My attention span just doesn't last very long. And I don't know how to fix that.
This is my great challenge of third year, which is now almost over. Trying to figure out how to convince people that I'm interested. Because even when I am interested apparently I look bored. Much of it is my lack of ability to play the damn game. The bring in articles, ask a million questions, show off my knowledge randomly, suck up entirely and always be working hard, or appearing to work hard. I can't play that game, I'm tired and burnt out. If I don't know something one day, I'll look it up that evening, but I'm rarely able to then track down my attending and tell him everything I learned about the topic I didn't know anything about before. Not because they aren't around, but because I literally cannot bring myself to be such a suck up. But that apparently makes me look uninterested and unwilling to learn. So sometimes I bring in an article, but that doesn't seem to impress anyone either.
And sometimes I'm just a quiet learner. I don't like to ask questions during a surgery. I like to watch and concentrate on holding what I'm holding or retracting what I'm retracting. I don't want to spew out bits of information about the surgery unless asked. And I don't want to find "interesting" surgeries to go to, because those are long, and I can't handle long. Last week I saw an open heart surgery. Coolest thing I've ever seen IN MY LIFE and I was still bored in the middle of it, wanting it to end, and unable to concentrate on the whole thing. And super glad I wasn't scrubbed in, because I could not have stood for that long. But I was totally fascinated and enthralled by the surgery. I doubt the surgeon could tell though, because I wasn't asking a million questions and pointing out all the stuff I know. I was just watching in awe of his magnificance and the fact that you can stop a beating heart and keep a person alive.
So now I've had three evaluations that say I don't seem interested. And this surgery one will probably be the same. So how do I counter this attack? I've tried a couple of things. I've tried being that annoying student who brings in a bunch of articles and STILL one of the residents wrote I didn't appear interested. It's because I phase out when someone is talking to me for too long. I just can't deal.
Does this make me a bad doctor? I sure as hell hope not. And I don't think so. Is anyone really interested in everything that happens around them during the day at all times? Does that make them bad people? I care about my patients, how come that doesn't come up in my evaluations often enough? Sure I'm bored with neurology, but I sat with a patient for ten minutes comforting her over her diagnosis. Yeah, maybe I don't ask questions while in surgery, but I sure as hell make sure when he comes out of surgery that patient gets a warm blanket right away, and that he isn't in pain. And maybe I don't look up articles about some seizure disease a baby has, but I'll sit there with the parents holding their baby while they cry and pray with the pastor after finding out that their baby might not live. And I don't do any of that for the fucking show of it. I do that because that is why I went into medical school. I didn't go into medicalschool to be a suck up, to be fake, or to prove anything to anyone. I went into medical school to become a fucking doctor, someone who cares about others and helps them through hard times.
Maybe I'm not like the other students and doctors. Maybe all of them really are legitimately interested and excited about everything. Maybe they all just love learning so damned much that they never take a second off from learning to be a real person. Maybe I'm not cut out for all this crap that it takes to become a doctor. Maybe I won't be as great of a doctor because I don't have a lot of interest in everything. But I get the job done. I learn. I care. I try. I know I'm going to work hard for hte rest of my life and I'm okay with that, excited for the challenge even. But I have no attention span and I look uninterested. So I may not make it through this year. And I guess that is just the way it is. My original goal for third year was to pass everything, just pass, and hopefully high pass or honor a couple of blocks. And I've managed that thus far. But my new goal is to not get any more evaluations that said "student looked like she was uninterested." Unfortunately, I am just that, uninterested.
Is this over yet? I just want to be a doctor...
