Hopefully I will be able to get over this soon. The past seven weeks I've been in adult ambulatory medicine and I will let you know, I am not studying. Occasionally I have busted out my book and tried to read a few chapters, but that usually results in me staring off blankly into space or falling asleep. It always ends in me putting away the book not sure I've actually learned anything.
But, Friday is test time, and I'm starting to get a little anxious. However, my anxiety is not of the type that will help me study. Instead it is that crippling "I don't want to study I don't give a shit about this" type of anxiety. This is bad news. I know I'm not smart enough to just do well on a test without studying. But I also can't seem to get into my head that studying is going to have any impact whatsoever on my grade. For someone with such low self esteem I sure do have a lot of faith in my ability to kick ass on tests, even though I have repeatedly shown myself that I am not good at tests. You'd think this would lead me to study, but instead I get trapped in this half-panicked half-defeated frame of mind that is not conducive to studying. "I should study so I can do well on this test," I'll say to myself. Followed quickly with "why? I can't honor the block anyway, why bother? I'll just pass this one." Which is closely followed by "but what if I don't pass the test? I suck at tests! I should study." That usually results in me at least picking up the book and opening it. But that then leads to me staring blankly at the pages, arguing with myself about how important this is even if it is super boring and no I don't know everything in the book as much as I try to convince myself I do and just reviewing right before the test has never worked out to my advantage before so why should it now?
But the worst of it, worse than the pure disinterest and dislike of studying is the depression that comes along with studying. I've been in a bad mood all day and finally figured out it's not because I'm lonely here in Montrose (I only have two days left here, I can get over it), and it's not because so and so didn't call me today or return my texts, and it's not because I am tired of my host mom, or no one emailed me today, or any of those other things I can usually attribute my bad mood to. It's not PMS because it's not that time of the month. It really is just a severe depression that comes with studying. I forgot that I get it, because the past seven weeks I've been convincing myself that I'm learning enough in clinic without studying, and that my time is better spent riding my bike and enjoying the beautiful weather. So last Thursday was the first day I actually sat down with my book in a coffee shop and studied. And it sucked and brought back horrible memories of the past two years. So I stopped, mostly because I didn't care but I blamed it on the fact that my mom was in town and we had an adventure planned.
Yesterday I was so proud of msyelf, I went for a bike ride AND managed to get to the coffee shop to study. And I studied for like three hours. Okay, I sat in the coffee shop for three hours. I'm not sure how long I actually studied. Because within minutes of oepning my book I wanted to close it back up again. But yesterday I just felt bored. Probably because the stress of the fact that the test is days away hadn't quite caught up with me yet.
That stress caught up with my today, and I've been on the verge of tears all day, and I couldn't figure it out for the life of me. What was wrong with me? Why am I in such a bad mood? I should be in a good mood, I'm almost done with this rotation, I get to go home soon, I only have one more day of work. But I guess that slowly the realization that on Friday I have a test that I am not prepared for but cannot seem to make myself become prepared for. I know I need to study, I'm stressed out about the test, I'm worried that I'm going to fail it, I don't feel confident, I know a panic attack is in the makings, but I cannot sit down with my book. Instead I just sit around thinking about how stressed out I am and should study, but when I try to study I want to cry, so I stop studying just to get stressed about studying again.
This is why I failed the boards. More than any of the other crap, it was this, this feeling of knowing I need to study but not having the ability to do it. I simultaneously care and don't care about this test and my need to study for it. I'm defeated, I know I can't honor, I know I'm barely going to pass, but for some reason I can't convince myself that I need to study because I might not barely pass. I might not pass at all. And I don't want to remediate anything. I don't want to fail another test. I just want to move on with my life. But I can't. I cannot study, and I don't know how to fix this problem. I can hope it gets better with other blocks, and with the cold since I won't want to play outside. But what if I'm like this forever?
It worries me that I have no desire to study or learn. All I want to do is treat patients, but I don't have the knowledge to do so, and I can't seem to drum up the enthusiasm to learn things. I don't know what medication I should use for diabetes management. I don't know what labs I want to run on a patient. I don't know what to do if a patient goes into cardiac arrest. All this information is at my finger tips, but I don't give a damn enough to look up the answer. I keep thinking that I'll learn it, but when will I learn it if I won't study? It doesn't make any sense.
I need some kind of motivation pill or something. Something that gets me focused and excited to learn. Something to help me succeed. But until I find this magical pill that doesn't exist, I am going to have to figure something else out. Maybe just sitting with my book long enough, reading one word at a time, one sentence at a time, not trying to get too ahead of myself, and eventually I'll learn something. Right? Let's hope so.
I'd like to say I'm going to go back to studying now, but really I'm going to get ready for bed. I'll then probably lie in bed for an hour worrying about how I didn't study enough today and won't have time to study tomorrow, I'll get no sleep, but I won't get out of bed to study, I'll just lie there freaking out. At least I know myself well enough to know this is how my night is going to go...That's progress right?
